Greetings Dear Ones! Mermaid is basking in the glow of this absolutely beautiful day in the Lagoon ~ would you believe in the middle of October, with Halloween just a few short weeks away ~ the weather forecast is for a high of 97 degrees? This means that Mermaid won't need to put a bikini top on to dispel the cold just yet! And I see the unseasonably warm weather has brought some visitors! Well, cozy up everyone, and have a look at the original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2271005/pagenum/all/#p2
And then ~ let's dive right in, shall we?
***
Hello Vivisected. Mermaid is pleased to see you sign your name this way ~ it says to me that something has finally reached you deep inside ~ perhaps for the very first time. Prudie is right about one thing ~ it's not often we see the other side of the equation ~ a letter from the person who is about to be the one cut from her family is a rarity, and a chance for Mermaid to explain some things to you that you appear to be woefully oblivious to.
You claim that you don't know where the truth lies regarding the rest of your family's opinion of you ~ but a clue can be found in the fact that they expect you to do the making up to your sister. You were in the wrong, and it apparently follows a long string of being in the wrong. You know very well it wasn't just "one mistake" that has led to this rift, and you're fooling yourself if you allow yourself to think otherwise. And it would be very easy to cut your family out of your life ~ but that's the coward's way out and you know it. Your problem is larger than with your family. You can cut them out to "avoid causing them hurt" ~ and who will that leave to deal with your untreated self? Your family, your co-workers, your ever-dwindling circle of friends? I know you want to crawl into a hole and pull it in over you, but that will only leave you ~ alone and in a hole of your own making.
The only advice Mermaid can give you is that the amends you make must be as large as the hurt you've caused. You should take this one chance (perhaps the last you'll ever be given) and say to your family that your sister's reaction was a real wake-up call for you, and you know that you have indeed been toxic to all. In this case, actions speak louder than words. If you can all manage it, you should seek professional help for whatever it is inside you that tortures you. You need it. And I would recommend this to you even without the consideration of your family, as those who live and work closest to you are likely suffering in silence. I would write one heartfelt, but brief, letter to your sister. I would tell her that she's absolutely right about what she said (whether you feel it in your heart right at the moment) and I would tell her that you're going to respect her space, and that you hope she will give you another chance once you have taken steps to heal yourself. For the rest of your family, you should tell them something similar ~ and have each conversation accompanied by a very large apology.
Mermaid feels for you. I know you don't want to be this way. You can't possibly be happy with yourself ~ and the way you have been treating the people who should be nearest and dearest to you is evidence of that. We sometimes treat people the way we feel we deserve to be treated ~ and I'm sad for you that you don't feel you deserve any better.
***
Welcome, Fixed Smile! My goodness ~ you've been through the mill, haven't you? Well, Mermaid's take on your situation might be a little different than you've heard so far. So, swim a little closer and listen to what I have to tell you.
I don't believe your friend. I don't believe a word he says. I don't believe you did the things he says you did ~ at least not to the extent he claims. So, why would someone do something like this? For the same reason mean girls cozy up to someone, find out all their deepest secrets, and then tell everyone at school all about them. He is not a nice person. Honestly, even if what he says is true, a real friend would have laughed this off, or at the very least given you a very wide pass on this. The fact that this person dumped you off at the bus station (for heaven's sake!) while claiming that you were so incapacitated makes it pretty clear that this person is not your friend. So why would you believe anything he says?
He is trying to trump up trouble with you ~ and you should be cautious that it does not spill over into the workplace. He is a danger to you. You should avoid talking to him about this at work, and while there, your demeanor should be one of absolute cheerful and oblivious professionalism. There is no relationship worth salvaging here. Let it remain in the bottom of the ocean where it belongs.
***
Dear Anguished! Mermaid is so glad you've come to her! I can tell you are a Feeling person, just like me. I know exactly what it's like to live in a place that has been marred by ugly tragedy. First, on the practical side, you've been given the right advice legally. There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do about the lease, and by your own admission, it is an affordable place to stay. So how do you overcome the knowledge that your landlord is a convicted sex criminal? Well, on a logical note, you can resign yourself to the fact that just about everyone you know has some skeleton in his or her closet ~ you just happen to have been given a long, ugly look at your landlord's. But Mermaid is also of the belief that things happen for a reason ~ and I believe there is a reason You were led to this space.
Mermaid is going to recommend something to you, to help ease your anguish about the space you now inhabit. I am of the opinion that there is residual bad feeling in there, as a result of so many anguished young lives being held against their will. This is manifesting itself within you. You could say the place is haunted. And there are remedies for that.
What you need to do is perform a cleansing ritual of this space. It fairly cries out for it. Those that don't believe in this sort of thing are free to look away while I explain it.
You should obtain three small white candles, and a bundle of sage, which has healing and purifying properties. Most grocery stores carry it these days. You'll want an amount sufficient to fill the space when you make a circle with your forefinger and thumb. Bring it home, and tie a string around the base to hold it together like a bouquet. Hang it in the sunniest window you have ~ an easterly direction is best, but any one will do, as long as it gets plenty of sunshine ~ which dispels darkness. Leave it hang there for one full cycle of the moon. You can look on the internet, and you want to start on the first day of the "new moon". Let the sage hang there, soaking up the sunshine and drying, until the last day before the next new moon. Don't worry if you go over a few days, but it's important to not go under. During this time, you should be choosing some healing words to recite during the ceremony. If you are religious, any words from your faith will do. If you are not, any words that bring you comfort will also be fine. I am not a religious person and I have found the Lord's Prayer is very effective ~ I don't need to believe the words myself ~ but it seems that Things that are beyond us recognize them very well.
On the day or night of your purification ritual (I would pick the time that you seem to feel the most stressed about the place. I'm sure you know what I mean) place the three white candles (that represent the past, the present, and the future) onto a small plate in the centermost area (the heart) of the apartment, and light all three of them. Take the dried sage, and light it also. Most sage extinguishes itself, but if it doesn't just blow it out so that it smolders. With the smoldering sage, walk slowly from the front door, following the right hand wall, all the way through the apartment. As you go through each room, recite your words of comfort. You might want to bring a plate or something to set the sage on, if it begins to burn down too closely. Go slowly and with measure, making sure you can feel each room being cleansed, but pacing yourself. Once you have gone through every room, and are now back at the front door, plunge what is left of the sage into a container of water that you have there for that purpose. Then, walk towards the three candles and first extinguish the one that represents the past, then the present, and leave the one that represents the future to burn itself out.
And with that, the ritual is complete. Doing this will not only help you, it will help all of those poor girls who were trapped there ~ because they may have moved on physically, but their sadness and anguish still reside there. This is what you are feeling. You have a unique opportunity to help them ~ you just don't know it yet. You may never know it or have proof of it, but when you dispel the darkness that resides there, you will be casting it out of their hearts as well, no matter where they are now. Trust Mermaid when she tells you that your spirit will be lighter having completed this ritual also.
***
Hello Frazzled ~ Heavens! It's a wonder you found time to write at all! In answer to your obvious questions ~ no there is no unspoken rule that you must watch your nephews, and no it would not be wrong of you to TELL, not ask, them to find someone else. Do it kindly but firmly with a specific end point in mind ~ say two weeks away ~ to give them time to make other arrangements. Mermaid is of the opinion that it is partially your fault for being in this position, so you have a bit of an obligation and responsibility to end things properly, for the boys' sake if for nothing else.
But Mermaid would like you to ponder how you let yourself get into this situation. Did you quietly volunteer yourself, or did your husband? And exactly where is your husband when his sister's boys are being dropped off? He should be assuming the majority of their care, not you. So ask yourself whether you should be having a little chat with yourself about your inability to say no (which is a problem for many people-pleasers) or your husband, for not recognizing that two children and an infant is quite enough work for anyone.
***
And so ends another week in the Lagoon! Mermaid hopes for all of you that you have the love and happiness you deserve, and that your fondest desires are on the horizon ~ for her, it should be happening Soon, very Soon.
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
On Doing the Right Thing ~ Even When No One Is Watching
Greetings, Dear Ones! It has been a rather stormy week here in the Lagoon, with all sorts of changes on the horizon! But for good or for bad, I'm sure we will weather them all. Would you believe that two days ago, it was 103 degrees, and that yesterday it was only 85? And yet ~ Mermaid is still HOT! Ah well, enough of my lame jokes ~ we've got visitors and those visitors have problems ~ which is the perfect combination for Mermaid. We can have a look at their original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2266604/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello Reluctant Recipient! And congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! And congratulations, too, on the lovely gifts you've already received from family and friends! How fortunate you are ~ and Mermaid does trust that you DO recognize how fortunate you are ~ yes?
And now you have received another gift ~ from your fiancé's former lover ~ and you feel uneasy about accepting it. So don't! Your wording in your letter tells Mermaid everything she needs to know! And yet, you still quibble with doing what you know is the right thing ~ to return the money. Is it because of all those voices telling you you'd be foolish to turn it away? Well, those voices won't have to live with the strings attached to this money, and the constant presence of this woman in you and your husband's and your future as-yet-unborn children's lives, will they? You are right to feel as if she is trying to purchase a bit of your future, since she could not have a part of it on her own with your fiancé. If she gives you a gift with a provisional attachment, it's not really a gift ~ it's a provisional attachment. And even if it was a gift with no strings attached and no demands placed on its use ~ the sheer size of it makes either giving or accepting it inappropriate. And Mermaid thinks you already know that. You must thank her profusely, but tell her that decorum compels you to ask that she instead donate this sum in your name to the children's charity of her choice, and then assure her that any children you have will be taken care of quite well by you and your husband ~ and then make sure you do so.
There is something else you might want to consider. Depending upon the age of your fiancé's former flame, she might be beginning to suffer the first signs of dementia. I'm not saying that someone giving someone they once used to date such an exorbitant amount of money is crazy (much) ~ but Mermaid's conscious would compel her to look out for this woman's interests in a way she seems rather lax about herself.
Mermaid is very proud of you for having a conscience, as well as the first vestigial signs of morals and scruples! And she feels it rather a pity that so few of your land-dwelling brethren have also evolved so. Enjoy your big day, knowing that your future, and your children's future, is still yours and theirs to do with what you wish!
***
Welcome, Disrespected Lady! Now tell Mermaid the truth ~ you just invented a "problem" so you could come visit me here in the Lagoon, didn't you? Well, Mermaid doesn’t mind… she gets that a lot. So, I'll play along, and give your issue the attention it deserves. Can you tell I attempted to say that without even a trace of sarcasm?
It's silly to have this problem. So Mermaid wouldn't have it, not for one hot minute. You have allowed this co-worker to disrespect you long enough. Joking about it has not worked, and in fact, has backfired on you. I do like the advice you've been given about clearing up the misconception that this has been a mutual frolic, and I would advise you to give your co-worker one fair warning. Then, the next time some errant bit of trash lands on your desk, brush it off. The next time some errant bit of trash is thrown on your floor, let it stay there. If your co-worker has a problem with his work not getting done, simply say to him very sweetly that you deal with everything in your in-box in a timely manner and you can't be responsible for anything not in your in-box.
Of course, the cheeky monkey in Mermaid would also be tempted to ask your co-worker if he has *always* had trouble getting it in a lady's box… and that's likely the reason why you don't see very many mermaids working in offices.
***
Hello, My Dear! Mermaid is so glad to have you here ~ and only wishes you could have brought your poor mother for a well-deserved rest! What is happening in our economy has hurt and damaged so many people ~ Mermaid's heart is heavy every day with stories that I never thought I'd live to hear about in all my immortal years.
It warms the cockles of Mermaid's heart to hear that you are concerned about your mother and want to help her, and that you are sensitive to the fact that she may have difficulty asking for, or accepting your help. Like most parents, she may find the idea of taking anything from her children, that she likely still thinks of as "going to school", distasteful. She may be ashamed of her situation, and reluctant to admit that she needs help. How good you are to not assume that her lack of complaint on the matter means she does not!
On a practical note, many people are not aware that some states have a law which compels children to support parents who are unable to work and support themselves. So, in addition to doing the morally right thing, you may also be doing the legally right thing. So kudos on that!
I think you've been given excellent, practical advice on helping your mother look for employment. But, have you considered a bigger sort of fix, for all three of you? Perhaps your mother could relocate closer to you, and the three of you could move in together for a while. This would help all of you financially, and give each of you a live-in support system. Mermaid knows how crucial it is that people not feel as if they could fall through the cracks, especially now, when things are so precarious for us all.
Mermaid feels that what is most important for your mother ~ and for you and your sister ~ is that you keep in constant contact with her. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what. Assure her that you will be her safety net if she should fall on even harder times. She is probably feeling terribly marginalized right now. Reassure her of how important she is to you, and how much you need her in your lives. Mermaid can tell you from personal experience that it is the feeling of being alone in the world that is what makes a person want to leave it.
There will be a special place reserved beside me in the Lagoon, should you all decide to visit me again. Until then, Mermaid holds you in her heart and wishes the best for you ~ and for all of us.
***
Hello, young lady. My goodness! That's an awful lot of "accidental stumbling" that you've done lately! You might want to get that looked at!
All right, all joking aside ~ Mermaid asks you ~ haven't you learned anything about not poking your nose where it doesn’t belong? And it certainly didn't belong wherever it was when you "accidentally stumbled upon" a bottle of pills. I take it from your letter that this is not a room you share with your boyfriend, so you've really got no excuse at all for invading his privacy. And to compound your crime by further sleuthing over something which is none of your beeswax to begin with, is something that Mermaid really finds even more reprehensible.
(Mermaid will share with you a little secret ~ recently she spent several lovely weeks with her gentleman caller. Quite innocently, she stumbled upon something so shocking, that she dare not divulge it here. However, knowing that he had not chosen to share this particular peccadillo with Mermaid on his own, she has kept it to herself, and waits patiently for him to reveal it to her in his own good time. *whistles nonchalantly*)
Mermaid has stringent rules for personal privacy. She does not believe that married persons should open each other's mail, go into each other's purse or wallet without the other person's knowledge, or go anywhere on their spouse's computer that they have not been invited. Mermaid even averts her eyes when her inamorata is online in the same room as her ~ it's none of my business until he chooses to make it so. Therefore, you can imagine the standards that I set for people who are merely dating each other are even higher.
Mermaid does believe that you care about your boyfriend, and may be genuinely concerned with his health. After two years together, surely there is a way to broach the subject without revealing the source. Has he never once mentioned to you going to the doctor? If you really must discover the reason for the pills being in his room, try and be more open and sensitive to the small clues he may be giving you ~ and use them to open a dialogue. Trust Mermaid on this ~ being open and above-board about things will open far more doors than secretly prying them open will ~ and will earn you the kind of trust necessary for a good, healthy relationship.
***
And that's all for this week, Loveys! Things are getting terribly sad and desperate out there with not much relief in sight. Mermaid urges everyone to be kind to each other, and help out wherever and whenever you can.
Many elderly people are having to decide whether to feed themselves or their beloved pets ~ Mermaid thinks it would be a lovely idea to "adopt" such a little family, and help keep them in pet food so they do not have to resort to starving themselves, or turning over their only source of comfort to already overfilled animal shelters.
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
http://www.slate.com/id/2266604/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello Reluctant Recipient! And congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! And congratulations, too, on the lovely gifts you've already received from family and friends! How fortunate you are ~ and Mermaid does trust that you DO recognize how fortunate you are ~ yes?
And now you have received another gift ~ from your fiancé's former lover ~ and you feel uneasy about accepting it. So don't! Your wording in your letter tells Mermaid everything she needs to know! And yet, you still quibble with doing what you know is the right thing ~ to return the money. Is it because of all those voices telling you you'd be foolish to turn it away? Well, those voices won't have to live with the strings attached to this money, and the constant presence of this woman in you and your husband's and your future as-yet-unborn children's lives, will they? You are right to feel as if she is trying to purchase a bit of your future, since she could not have a part of it on her own with your fiancé. If she gives you a gift with a provisional attachment, it's not really a gift ~ it's a provisional attachment. And even if it was a gift with no strings attached and no demands placed on its use ~ the sheer size of it makes either giving or accepting it inappropriate. And Mermaid thinks you already know that. You must thank her profusely, but tell her that decorum compels you to ask that she instead donate this sum in your name to the children's charity of her choice, and then assure her that any children you have will be taken care of quite well by you and your husband ~ and then make sure you do so.
There is something else you might want to consider. Depending upon the age of your fiancé's former flame, she might be beginning to suffer the first signs of dementia. I'm not saying that someone giving someone they once used to date such an exorbitant amount of money is crazy (much) ~ but Mermaid's conscious would compel her to look out for this woman's interests in a way she seems rather lax about herself.
Mermaid is very proud of you for having a conscience, as well as the first vestigial signs of morals and scruples! And she feels it rather a pity that so few of your land-dwelling brethren have also evolved so. Enjoy your big day, knowing that your future, and your children's future, is still yours and theirs to do with what you wish!
***
Welcome, Disrespected Lady! Now tell Mermaid the truth ~ you just invented a "problem" so you could come visit me here in the Lagoon, didn't you? Well, Mermaid doesn’t mind… she gets that a lot. So, I'll play along, and give your issue the attention it deserves. Can you tell I attempted to say that without even a trace of sarcasm?
It's silly to have this problem. So Mermaid wouldn't have it, not for one hot minute. You have allowed this co-worker to disrespect you long enough. Joking about it has not worked, and in fact, has backfired on you. I do like the advice you've been given about clearing up the misconception that this has been a mutual frolic, and I would advise you to give your co-worker one fair warning. Then, the next time some errant bit of trash lands on your desk, brush it off. The next time some errant bit of trash is thrown on your floor, let it stay there. If your co-worker has a problem with his work not getting done, simply say to him very sweetly that you deal with everything in your in-box in a timely manner and you can't be responsible for anything not in your in-box.
Of course, the cheeky monkey in Mermaid would also be tempted to ask your co-worker if he has *always* had trouble getting it in a lady's box… and that's likely the reason why you don't see very many mermaids working in offices.
***
Hello, My Dear! Mermaid is so glad to have you here ~ and only wishes you could have brought your poor mother for a well-deserved rest! What is happening in our economy has hurt and damaged so many people ~ Mermaid's heart is heavy every day with stories that I never thought I'd live to hear about in all my immortal years.
It warms the cockles of Mermaid's heart to hear that you are concerned about your mother and want to help her, and that you are sensitive to the fact that she may have difficulty asking for, or accepting your help. Like most parents, she may find the idea of taking anything from her children, that she likely still thinks of as "going to school", distasteful. She may be ashamed of her situation, and reluctant to admit that she needs help. How good you are to not assume that her lack of complaint on the matter means she does not!
On a practical note, many people are not aware that some states have a law which compels children to support parents who are unable to work and support themselves. So, in addition to doing the morally right thing, you may also be doing the legally right thing. So kudos on that!
I think you've been given excellent, practical advice on helping your mother look for employment. But, have you considered a bigger sort of fix, for all three of you? Perhaps your mother could relocate closer to you, and the three of you could move in together for a while. This would help all of you financially, and give each of you a live-in support system. Mermaid knows how crucial it is that people not feel as if they could fall through the cracks, especially now, when things are so precarious for us all.
Mermaid feels that what is most important for your mother ~ and for you and your sister ~ is that you keep in constant contact with her. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what. Assure her that you will be her safety net if she should fall on even harder times. She is probably feeling terribly marginalized right now. Reassure her of how important she is to you, and how much you need her in your lives. Mermaid can tell you from personal experience that it is the feeling of being alone in the world that is what makes a person want to leave it.
There will be a special place reserved beside me in the Lagoon, should you all decide to visit me again. Until then, Mermaid holds you in her heart and wishes the best for you ~ and for all of us.
***
Hello, young lady. My goodness! That's an awful lot of "accidental stumbling" that you've done lately! You might want to get that looked at!
All right, all joking aside ~ Mermaid asks you ~ haven't you learned anything about not poking your nose where it doesn’t belong? And it certainly didn't belong wherever it was when you "accidentally stumbled upon" a bottle of pills. I take it from your letter that this is not a room you share with your boyfriend, so you've really got no excuse at all for invading his privacy. And to compound your crime by further sleuthing over something which is none of your beeswax to begin with, is something that Mermaid really finds even more reprehensible.
(Mermaid will share with you a little secret ~ recently she spent several lovely weeks with her gentleman caller. Quite innocently, she stumbled upon something so shocking, that she dare not divulge it here. However, knowing that he had not chosen to share this particular peccadillo with Mermaid on his own, she has kept it to herself, and waits patiently for him to reveal it to her in his own good time. *whistles nonchalantly*)
Mermaid has stringent rules for personal privacy. She does not believe that married persons should open each other's mail, go into each other's purse or wallet without the other person's knowledge, or go anywhere on their spouse's computer that they have not been invited. Mermaid even averts her eyes when her inamorata is online in the same room as her ~ it's none of my business until he chooses to make it so. Therefore, you can imagine the standards that I set for people who are merely dating each other are even higher.
Mermaid does believe that you care about your boyfriend, and may be genuinely concerned with his health. After two years together, surely there is a way to broach the subject without revealing the source. Has he never once mentioned to you going to the doctor? If you really must discover the reason for the pills being in his room, try and be more open and sensitive to the small clues he may be giving you ~ and use them to open a dialogue. Trust Mermaid on this ~ being open and above-board about things will open far more doors than secretly prying them open will ~ and will earn you the kind of trust necessary for a good, healthy relationship.
***
And that's all for this week, Loveys! Things are getting terribly sad and desperate out there with not much relief in sight. Mermaid urges everyone to be kind to each other, and help out wherever and whenever you can.
Many elderly people are having to decide whether to feed themselves or their beloved pets ~ Mermaid thinks it would be a lovely idea to "adopt" such a little family, and help keep them in pet food so they do not have to resort to starving themselves, or turning over their only source of comfort to already overfilled animal shelters.
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
On Longing, Liars, Leg Ups, and Loss
Greetings, Dear Ones! The sun shines so brightly on the Lagoon this morning ~ but it's barely a glimmer compared to the glorious night that just passed! But enough of my sly innuendo ~ we've got visitors! And not a moment too soon, it seems. All of them seem to be in need of Mermaid's help, as evidenced here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2265903/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, Longing Lady. Oh, you poor thing. I'm so glad you've come to me today. People just don't understand, do they? Mermaid does.
Mermaid was lucky enough to have one child, but that was not enough for me. I would have liked to have more, and I've known that for a long time. So I understand the longing that does not ever go away, and as difficult as it has been for me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who was not lucky enough to have a child at all to suddenly find themselves wanting one! I also planned never to have children when I was younger, and found myself feeling very differently later on ~ so I also understand how it feels to have your own body, mind, and emotions betray you, and leave you in a position you never thought you'd find yourself in, after you'd already made plans in another direction.
I'm going to give you some practical advice first. Have you been to a doctor? You say you are "at the end of your reproductive years", so it's highly possible that these longings that have suddenly manifested are the result of natural hormonal changes. They can wreak havoc on a woman's body and psyche and turn that biological clock ticking into a sledgehammer inside your head. I would urge you to get a complete physical and have a talk with a trusted physician, who would be able to help you with a course of hormone therapy. I also think you could benefit from some talk therapy with a counselor who can help you deal with this new stage of your life.
Mermaid cannot glean from your letter if you have actually spoken to your husband about this. Is it possible that you are assuming that he is still "dead-set against it" because of his previous stance on the issue, and his vasectomy? Are you afraid to open that Pandora's Box, for fear he will absolutely refuse, thereby leaving a bone of contention between you in your otherwise happy lives? If so, then it's this fear you should be examining.
There is just no easy answer for this, and it breaks Mermaid's heart that she can't give you one. You've been given good advice about how to extrapolate your fantasies into reality ~ what are the odds that you will meet, fall in love with, and marry someone who wants to have children with you in time to have them? I know that you don't really want the bleak future of raising a child on your own, I can tell from your letter. So, you are stuck with either an uncertain future, or the situation you've entered into, for which it seems that your only course of action (after seeing a physician) is to learn how to live with it, and still fill that aching hole in your heart.
What Mermaid knows for certain is that there are more children in this world than love to give them. While you are waiting for your grandchildren to be born, would you and your husband consider foster parenting, for a long or short-term basis? Many elementary schools are hungry for volunteers, especially with the lower grades. Personally, Mermaid has always coveted the title of "Library Lady", and will consider it a grand achievement in her life when she has the opportunity to read "Elizabite" to a group of rapt preschoolers. There are children by the score out there, just waiting for someone like you to make a difference in their life, and Mermaid feels it would be a bit of a shame if you spent so much time focusing on an imaginary child that you fail to see the opportunities to help the ones already here and in need.
I know all these suggestions are not what you want to hear right now, and may even feel like salt in your wounds, because you are not in a frame of mind to accept them, and Mermaid understands that. But I would urge you to begin turning the immense amount of love and sympathy you are having for yourself right now, outward onto others. By your own admission, you are blessed with a wonderful life. Focus on that, and the love you have for your husband and children who are already here, and try to channel all these feelings you are having into helping someone else ~ who really needs you ~ to have a wonderful life, too.
You will come back to the Lagoon and let me know how it worked out for you, won't you? Mermaid will be thinking about you and holding you in her heart until you do.
***
Hello, Young Graduate! (I say "young", not because I assume all students are young, but let's face it ~ I'm immortal, so even your great-grandma's great-grandma is a mere babe in the woods compared to me…)
Mermaid's first thought was that this was a test from your professor! What an ethical dilemma! Will you report the plagiarism, or will you remain silent? Mermaid has the feeling that it's more than the quality of your paper that is being looked at here…
Of course you must tell. It might not have been your business before, but now that you have been given this thesis as the basis for which you should prepare your own, you must call attention to the discrepancy. It will only reflect badly upon you if you don't. Ask yourself what would happen if next semester this professor were to give the same thesis paper to another student as an example ~ and that student reported the plagiarism to the professor, while you hadn't. Now do you see why it's your business?
But please ~ try to be kind. If this is not your professor's doing, what you have found out will likely be devastating for the former student who wrote it. You will try to keep that thought in mind and set your tone accordingly when you meet with your professor, won't you?
Oh ~ and congratulations on finishing your master's thesis! I know what a grand achievement that is, and Mermaid couldn't be happier for you!
***
Hello, Professional Parent! Kudos on having a close relationship with your grown child in both life and work! But ~ my goodness! What's all the fuss about? Unless you've left out some detail, your colleague sounds like a not-very-nice-person! Perhaps he/she is jealous and resentful that when they were starting out in this same business, they did not have anyone to mentor them when they were young? Perhaps your colleague is jealous of the easy time your daughter seems to be having of it compared to him or her? Have you had the habit of talking in overly-glowing terms about your overly-glowingly-talented daughter and people resent it? Mermaid cannot fathom why this person would possibly care enough about this situation to become "incensed" by it. I'll dispense with the advice that this is not a person in whom you should continue to confide the conversations you have with your daughter, because I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to have already realized that on your own.
If everything you've outlined is exactly what happened, then the answer to your question is ~ NO, of course you and your daughter didn't do anything wrong. It's not wrong for a young person in a profession to call a trusted mentor, as long as that's all it was. But you and I both know how hard it can be to separate the parent that wants to help from the professional that wants to raise up other professionals.
Mermaid is going to advise, from both a parenting point of view, and a professional point of view, that you have a talk with your daughter and set some limits on how many times (say, per week or month) she is allowed to call you for professional advice. I would set these limits with an intern or someone I was mentoring, and as a parent, it would be a good idea to set them too. I think you'll find that if she has only a certain number of "tokens in the bank", so to speak, she'll think twice about picking up the phone to use them so quickly, and in this manner, her professional wings will begin to grow and take flight on their own.
***
Hello, My Dear. May I give you a hug? Mermaid offers you her deepest condolences on the passing of your dear husband. I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible blow this has been for you and your children! It pains me to hear that your loss is being further compounded by the hurtful actions of your family.
It's hard for Mermaid to tell you what to do, because I've been given precious little back-story. Did you have an amicable relationship with your in-laws before this, or have things always been strained? I don't mean to judge you when I ask you ~ is there some particular reason your in-laws weren't consulted as to things like the pallbearers and your husband's headstone? The way you phrase "my decisions" it almost seems as if you did not speak to your husband's family about what they might have wanted. I can understand that ~ the need to keep all of your Beloved close to you ~ and I say this not as a reproach ~ but can you understand that you might have compounded your in-laws' feelings of loss by shutting them out of some of the last things they could ever do for their child?
I would urge you to look at things from your in-laws perspective for just a moment. A child is always your child ~ and they have lost theirs, and at a devastatingly young age. Then to have someone else be in charge of deciding if an autopsy should be performed, deciding on who would lay him to rest, deciding his grave marker. I know it's not right, but sometimes the human heart cannot help but feel things so viscerally that it wipes out all reason. Of course you cannot cater to your in-laws, nor allow them to hurt you ~ but you will try to have a little compassion for their loss, won't you?
Now, having said that, I will also say that I admire you for wanting to maintain a relationship with your in-laws, in light of their recent actions, especially for your children's sake. You've been given good advice about a third-party intermediary, given the tender feelings of all involved, and about support groups for you and your children. I would advise further, however, that for a while, future visits with the grandparents are monitored in your presence, or that of someone you trust, to make sure there are no lingering words or deeds or innuendo of resentment levied towards you, their daughter-in-law, over the passing of their son.
Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the very best for you and your children for a happy future. And the next time you visit the Lagoon, you will bring the little ones, won't you? (In case you haven't heard ~ Mermaid loves children!)
***
Well, that's it for this week, Loveys! You know ~ school is back in session, which is a reminder that Fall is just around the corner, with Winter fast on its heels. With that in mind, Mermaid would like to urge everyone to think about donating their children's outgrown coats and sweaters to their local elementary school. Most have, or are happy to implement, a program that provides warm outerwear to students that might otherwise go without during the cold months of the year. Mermaid would send you a great big hug and kiss if you do!
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
http://www.slate.com/id/2265903/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, Longing Lady. Oh, you poor thing. I'm so glad you've come to me today. People just don't understand, do they? Mermaid does.
Mermaid was lucky enough to have one child, but that was not enough for me. I would have liked to have more, and I've known that for a long time. So I understand the longing that does not ever go away, and as difficult as it has been for me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who was not lucky enough to have a child at all to suddenly find themselves wanting one! I also planned never to have children when I was younger, and found myself feeling very differently later on ~ so I also understand how it feels to have your own body, mind, and emotions betray you, and leave you in a position you never thought you'd find yourself in, after you'd already made plans in another direction.
I'm going to give you some practical advice first. Have you been to a doctor? You say you are "at the end of your reproductive years", so it's highly possible that these longings that have suddenly manifested are the result of natural hormonal changes. They can wreak havoc on a woman's body and psyche and turn that biological clock ticking into a sledgehammer inside your head. I would urge you to get a complete physical and have a talk with a trusted physician, who would be able to help you with a course of hormone therapy. I also think you could benefit from some talk therapy with a counselor who can help you deal with this new stage of your life.
Mermaid cannot glean from your letter if you have actually spoken to your husband about this. Is it possible that you are assuming that he is still "dead-set against it" because of his previous stance on the issue, and his vasectomy? Are you afraid to open that Pandora's Box, for fear he will absolutely refuse, thereby leaving a bone of contention between you in your otherwise happy lives? If so, then it's this fear you should be examining.
There is just no easy answer for this, and it breaks Mermaid's heart that she can't give you one. You've been given good advice about how to extrapolate your fantasies into reality ~ what are the odds that you will meet, fall in love with, and marry someone who wants to have children with you in time to have them? I know that you don't really want the bleak future of raising a child on your own, I can tell from your letter. So, you are stuck with either an uncertain future, or the situation you've entered into, for which it seems that your only course of action (after seeing a physician) is to learn how to live with it, and still fill that aching hole in your heart.
What Mermaid knows for certain is that there are more children in this world than love to give them. While you are waiting for your grandchildren to be born, would you and your husband consider foster parenting, for a long or short-term basis? Many elementary schools are hungry for volunteers, especially with the lower grades. Personally, Mermaid has always coveted the title of "Library Lady", and will consider it a grand achievement in her life when she has the opportunity to read "Elizabite" to a group of rapt preschoolers. There are children by the score out there, just waiting for someone like you to make a difference in their life, and Mermaid feels it would be a bit of a shame if you spent so much time focusing on an imaginary child that you fail to see the opportunities to help the ones already here and in need.
I know all these suggestions are not what you want to hear right now, and may even feel like salt in your wounds, because you are not in a frame of mind to accept them, and Mermaid understands that. But I would urge you to begin turning the immense amount of love and sympathy you are having for yourself right now, outward onto others. By your own admission, you are blessed with a wonderful life. Focus on that, and the love you have for your husband and children who are already here, and try to channel all these feelings you are having into helping someone else ~ who really needs you ~ to have a wonderful life, too.
You will come back to the Lagoon and let me know how it worked out for you, won't you? Mermaid will be thinking about you and holding you in her heart until you do.
***
Hello, Young Graduate! (I say "young", not because I assume all students are young, but let's face it ~ I'm immortal, so even your great-grandma's great-grandma is a mere babe in the woods compared to me…)
Mermaid's first thought was that this was a test from your professor! What an ethical dilemma! Will you report the plagiarism, or will you remain silent? Mermaid has the feeling that it's more than the quality of your paper that is being looked at here…
Of course you must tell. It might not have been your business before, but now that you have been given this thesis as the basis for which you should prepare your own, you must call attention to the discrepancy. It will only reflect badly upon you if you don't. Ask yourself what would happen if next semester this professor were to give the same thesis paper to another student as an example ~ and that student reported the plagiarism to the professor, while you hadn't. Now do you see why it's your business?
But please ~ try to be kind. If this is not your professor's doing, what you have found out will likely be devastating for the former student who wrote it. You will try to keep that thought in mind and set your tone accordingly when you meet with your professor, won't you?
Oh ~ and congratulations on finishing your master's thesis! I know what a grand achievement that is, and Mermaid couldn't be happier for you!
***
Hello, Professional Parent! Kudos on having a close relationship with your grown child in both life and work! But ~ my goodness! What's all the fuss about? Unless you've left out some detail, your colleague sounds like a not-very-nice-person! Perhaps he/she is jealous and resentful that when they were starting out in this same business, they did not have anyone to mentor them when they were young? Perhaps your colleague is jealous of the easy time your daughter seems to be having of it compared to him or her? Have you had the habit of talking in overly-glowing terms about your overly-glowingly-talented daughter and people resent it? Mermaid cannot fathom why this person would possibly care enough about this situation to become "incensed" by it. I'll dispense with the advice that this is not a person in whom you should continue to confide the conversations you have with your daughter, because I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to have already realized that on your own.
If everything you've outlined is exactly what happened, then the answer to your question is ~ NO, of course you and your daughter didn't do anything wrong. It's not wrong for a young person in a profession to call a trusted mentor, as long as that's all it was. But you and I both know how hard it can be to separate the parent that wants to help from the professional that wants to raise up other professionals.
Mermaid is going to advise, from both a parenting point of view, and a professional point of view, that you have a talk with your daughter and set some limits on how many times (say, per week or month) she is allowed to call you for professional advice. I would set these limits with an intern or someone I was mentoring, and as a parent, it would be a good idea to set them too. I think you'll find that if she has only a certain number of "tokens in the bank", so to speak, she'll think twice about picking up the phone to use them so quickly, and in this manner, her professional wings will begin to grow and take flight on their own.
***
Hello, My Dear. May I give you a hug? Mermaid offers you her deepest condolences on the passing of your dear husband. I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible blow this has been for you and your children! It pains me to hear that your loss is being further compounded by the hurtful actions of your family.
It's hard for Mermaid to tell you what to do, because I've been given precious little back-story. Did you have an amicable relationship with your in-laws before this, or have things always been strained? I don't mean to judge you when I ask you ~ is there some particular reason your in-laws weren't consulted as to things like the pallbearers and your husband's headstone? The way you phrase "my decisions" it almost seems as if you did not speak to your husband's family about what they might have wanted. I can understand that ~ the need to keep all of your Beloved close to you ~ and I say this not as a reproach ~ but can you understand that you might have compounded your in-laws' feelings of loss by shutting them out of some of the last things they could ever do for their child?
I would urge you to look at things from your in-laws perspective for just a moment. A child is always your child ~ and they have lost theirs, and at a devastatingly young age. Then to have someone else be in charge of deciding if an autopsy should be performed, deciding on who would lay him to rest, deciding his grave marker. I know it's not right, but sometimes the human heart cannot help but feel things so viscerally that it wipes out all reason. Of course you cannot cater to your in-laws, nor allow them to hurt you ~ but you will try to have a little compassion for their loss, won't you?
Now, having said that, I will also say that I admire you for wanting to maintain a relationship with your in-laws, in light of their recent actions, especially for your children's sake. You've been given good advice about a third-party intermediary, given the tender feelings of all involved, and about support groups for you and your children. I would advise further, however, that for a while, future visits with the grandparents are monitored in your presence, or that of someone you trust, to make sure there are no lingering words or deeds or innuendo of resentment levied towards you, their daughter-in-law, over the passing of their son.
Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the very best for you and your children for a happy future. And the next time you visit the Lagoon, you will bring the little ones, won't you? (In case you haven't heard ~ Mermaid loves children!)
***
Well, that's it for this week, Loveys! You know ~ school is back in session, which is a reminder that Fall is just around the corner, with Winter fast on its heels. With that in mind, Mermaid would like to urge everyone to think about donating their children's outgrown coats and sweaters to their local elementary school. Most have, or are happy to implement, a program that provides warm outerwear to students that might otherwise go without during the cold months of the year. Mermaid would send you a great big hug and kiss if you do!
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
On Assaults of the Body and Spirit...
Greetings Dear Friends! The sun seems to have risen particularly early and bright in the Lagoon this morning ~ and with it, Mermaid's spirits! I ask you ~ is there anything more wonderful than having someone with the patience to understand you when you're having trouble understanding yourself?
Speaking of understanding ~ the Lagoon seems to be filled this morning with people seeking just that. We can read their original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2265082/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, my dear. Mermaid is terribly distressed to hear of your situation, for everyone involved. First let me start out by telling you that, unfortunately, yours is not unique. Men don't get hit less than women ~ they are simply more inclined to hide it when it happens.
If you were sitting in front of me in my office, I would first ask you to write down and document the previous incident of domestic violence. Should it ever happen again, this will be instrumental in helping to prove that this is an ongoing situation which is precipitated by your wife. Please understand that I am trained to think of the worst-possible scenario and plan accordingly. Hopefully, you need never use it, but if the issue of your child's custody and well being ever comes up, you will be glad you had it.
I fear there is much more to your situation than Mermaid can help you with in one visit to the Lagoon. In addition to having your wife evaluated for post-partum depression, I think a counselor is in order for the both of you, and each separately. Your wife needs help to understand where her insecurities stem from, and you need help understanding why you were attracted to such a person in the first place. I would urge you to seek both immediately before outside forces compel it.
The best advice I can give you right now is to be prepared, and be proactive. Keep a baby bag in your car at all times (or with a trusted person) and an overnight bag for yourself. Should the situation begin to look like it's escalating at your house, try and remove yourself and the baby to a safe location. I must warn you that this will likely make her lose control (taking the baby) but you must remember that the child is as much yours as hers, and you cannot remove yourself and leave this helpless child to the mercy of an angry woman who has lost her one outlet (you). If the situation escalates over the removal of the child, get away from her as fast and calmly as you can, and walk out to the front yard and call the police. When they arrive, explain the situation. You must be prepared for your wife to go to jail, although if there has been no physical violence, they will likely advise one of you to simply leave for the night.
Here is where it is tricky ~ Mermaid would strongly urge you to insist that your wife be the one to leave for the night. It would be very easy for her to manipulate this situation into a "battered wife" scenario and call an attorney while you're out of the house to initiate a kick-out order based on you "having to be removed" by the police. I have seen this happen more than once, and once the label of "abuser" is heaped upon a person, it's very hard to remove. Don't put yourself in the position of being seen as the bad guy, or you'll have a hard time changing that perception. Do not allow yourself to be "shamed" by the police into leaving. Remain calm in the face of your wife's hysteria. Stand your ground, stay in your house, and protect your child. Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the best for all of you.
***
Ah, my Little Turtle Lover ~ Personally, Mermaid thinks it's rather perverse that he won't say "I love you." I know people will say "it's the thought that counts" and "look at the way he treats you, not what he says", and while that's true to a certain extent, this is very like the argument we had about the man who would not buy his girlfriend flowers even though she expressed that it's the *one thing* she'd really love most of all. I think there's something wrong with a person who would hold out on the *one thing* that would make their SO happy ~ but that's just Mermaid, not understanding what would make a person not absolutely *jump* at the chance to make their SO happy.
***
Ah, my little Freshman! Welcome to high school ~ aren't you excited? Mermaid certainly would be if she were in your shoes ~ mostly because it would mean I'm a hell of a lot younger than I really am now and probably wearing damn cute shoes!
Your question is ~ should you tell your parents. Well, the short answer is "yes" you should. How you bring it up is with the careful documentation that should be easy to a budding novelist such as yourself. Print out everything you've found on Asperger's, and write down all the incidents in your past where you think your condition came into play. (For instance, all the times you didn't recognize sarcasm.) This will help your parents understand and relate this condition to you.
You must be prepared for the fact that they might brush you off out of fear or misunderstanding (and I think you are.) You'll be happy to know that your school should be able to help you with your concerns. Talk to the nurse or your guidance counselor about what you've found out. There may be treatment options available that need not even involve your parents or require their permission. For example, my home life was so bad that during my Senior year, my school allowed me to fulfill my requirement for psychology class by seeing the school psychologist every day for an hour, to help me learn coping skills to deal with it ~ and my mother never even knew about it! The point is, in a few years you will be responsible for your own well-being ~ it's time to take that responsibility right now!
***
Oh, my heavens! My condolences on the loss of your uncles! And further condolences for the rift caused by your treatment of their passing…
Are you really a bad person? No, Mermaid doesn't think so. A little insensitive perhaps, but not bad. It's hard to say exactly, not knowing how close you were to these uncles. Only you know that ~ so only you know the depth to which you must dive to redeem yourself.
My advice to you would be an immediate showering of mea culpas upon your family. Even if you don't really think you did anything wrong, you must act as if you do! Your family will want to see regret and an admission of insensitivity ~ which luckily you seem to have. You have been given good advice about making amends ~ now go do it! (Though you might want to wait until your tan fades a little before any personal visits...)
***
Aren't you sweet? Come here so Mermaid can give you a big hug! I think it's very nice that you want to help this older gentleman ~ the world could use more people like you!
But the advice you've been given is right! What happens when you leave this temporary position? You should go to your supervisor and explain the situation. It may be that the man is truly eccentric and just enjoys having pretty young things bring him groceries. It may be that he's lonely and enjoys the regular interaction. It may be that he's truly handicapped and needs the help. Whatever it is ~ Mermaid is delighted that you want to be of assistance. Now let's just make sure it's real, ongoing help that he receives and not just a bandage on a situation that needs more acute care.
And if you still feel like picking him up the occasional bag of fruit or loaf of bread at the store if you happen to be there, Mermaid thinks that would be a lovely and kind gesture also.
***
I declare ~ it's been a scorcher here in the Lagoon lately! Would you believe my local weather called for temperatures of 113 degrees? This sort of thing makes Mermaid rather nervous ~ as the line between bathwater and poaching water becomes dangerously blurred! I shall have to dive deep and dark where it's cooler until it passes ~ but not to worry! ~ there's always a lot of fun to be had whenever Mermaid goes down!
And so, until nest week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Speaking of understanding ~ the Lagoon seems to be filled this morning with people seeking just that. We can read their original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2265082/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, my dear. Mermaid is terribly distressed to hear of your situation, for everyone involved. First let me start out by telling you that, unfortunately, yours is not unique. Men don't get hit less than women ~ they are simply more inclined to hide it when it happens.
If you were sitting in front of me in my office, I would first ask you to write down and document the previous incident of domestic violence. Should it ever happen again, this will be instrumental in helping to prove that this is an ongoing situation which is precipitated by your wife. Please understand that I am trained to think of the worst-possible scenario and plan accordingly. Hopefully, you need never use it, but if the issue of your child's custody and well being ever comes up, you will be glad you had it.
I fear there is much more to your situation than Mermaid can help you with in one visit to the Lagoon. In addition to having your wife evaluated for post-partum depression, I think a counselor is in order for the both of you, and each separately. Your wife needs help to understand where her insecurities stem from, and you need help understanding why you were attracted to such a person in the first place. I would urge you to seek both immediately before outside forces compel it.
The best advice I can give you right now is to be prepared, and be proactive. Keep a baby bag in your car at all times (or with a trusted person) and an overnight bag for yourself. Should the situation begin to look like it's escalating at your house, try and remove yourself and the baby to a safe location. I must warn you that this will likely make her lose control (taking the baby) but you must remember that the child is as much yours as hers, and you cannot remove yourself and leave this helpless child to the mercy of an angry woman who has lost her one outlet (you). If the situation escalates over the removal of the child, get away from her as fast and calmly as you can, and walk out to the front yard and call the police. When they arrive, explain the situation. You must be prepared for your wife to go to jail, although if there has been no physical violence, they will likely advise one of you to simply leave for the night.
Here is where it is tricky ~ Mermaid would strongly urge you to insist that your wife be the one to leave for the night. It would be very easy for her to manipulate this situation into a "battered wife" scenario and call an attorney while you're out of the house to initiate a kick-out order based on you "having to be removed" by the police. I have seen this happen more than once, and once the label of "abuser" is heaped upon a person, it's very hard to remove. Don't put yourself in the position of being seen as the bad guy, or you'll have a hard time changing that perception. Do not allow yourself to be "shamed" by the police into leaving. Remain calm in the face of your wife's hysteria. Stand your ground, stay in your house, and protect your child. Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the best for all of you.
***
Ah, my Little Turtle Lover ~ Personally, Mermaid thinks it's rather perverse that he won't say "I love you." I know people will say "it's the thought that counts" and "look at the way he treats you, not what he says", and while that's true to a certain extent, this is very like the argument we had about the man who would not buy his girlfriend flowers even though she expressed that it's the *one thing* she'd really love most of all. I think there's something wrong with a person who would hold out on the *one thing* that would make their SO happy ~ but that's just Mermaid, not understanding what would make a person not absolutely *jump* at the chance to make their SO happy.
***
Ah, my little Freshman! Welcome to high school ~ aren't you excited? Mermaid certainly would be if she were in your shoes ~ mostly because it would mean I'm a hell of a lot younger than I really am now and probably wearing damn cute shoes!
Your question is ~ should you tell your parents. Well, the short answer is "yes" you should. How you bring it up is with the careful documentation that should be easy to a budding novelist such as yourself. Print out everything you've found on Asperger's, and write down all the incidents in your past where you think your condition came into play. (For instance, all the times you didn't recognize sarcasm.) This will help your parents understand and relate this condition to you.
You must be prepared for the fact that they might brush you off out of fear or misunderstanding (and I think you are.) You'll be happy to know that your school should be able to help you with your concerns. Talk to the nurse or your guidance counselor about what you've found out. There may be treatment options available that need not even involve your parents or require their permission. For example, my home life was so bad that during my Senior year, my school allowed me to fulfill my requirement for psychology class by seeing the school psychologist every day for an hour, to help me learn coping skills to deal with it ~ and my mother never even knew about it! The point is, in a few years you will be responsible for your own well-being ~ it's time to take that responsibility right now!
***
Oh, my heavens! My condolences on the loss of your uncles! And further condolences for the rift caused by your treatment of their passing…
Are you really a bad person? No, Mermaid doesn't think so. A little insensitive perhaps, but not bad. It's hard to say exactly, not knowing how close you were to these uncles. Only you know that ~ so only you know the depth to which you must dive to redeem yourself.
My advice to you would be an immediate showering of mea culpas upon your family. Even if you don't really think you did anything wrong, you must act as if you do! Your family will want to see regret and an admission of insensitivity ~ which luckily you seem to have. You have been given good advice about making amends ~ now go do it! (Though you might want to wait until your tan fades a little before any personal visits...)
***
Aren't you sweet? Come here so Mermaid can give you a big hug! I think it's very nice that you want to help this older gentleman ~ the world could use more people like you!
But the advice you've been given is right! What happens when you leave this temporary position? You should go to your supervisor and explain the situation. It may be that the man is truly eccentric and just enjoys having pretty young things bring him groceries. It may be that he's lonely and enjoys the regular interaction. It may be that he's truly handicapped and needs the help. Whatever it is ~ Mermaid is delighted that you want to be of assistance. Now let's just make sure it's real, ongoing help that he receives and not just a bandage on a situation that needs more acute care.
And if you still feel like picking him up the occasional bag of fruit or loaf of bread at the store if you happen to be there, Mermaid thinks that would be a lovely and kind gesture also.
***
I declare ~ it's been a scorcher here in the Lagoon lately! Would you believe my local weather called for temperatures of 113 degrees? This sort of thing makes Mermaid rather nervous ~ as the line between bathwater and poaching water becomes dangerously blurred! I shall have to dive deep and dark where it's cooler until it passes ~ but not to worry! ~ there's always a lot of fun to be had whenever Mermaid goes down!
And so, until nest week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On knowing when to feel guilty, and when to let it go.
Greetings, Dear Friends! How lovely it is to be with you again, here in the Lagoon! Mermaid does hope you'll forgive her for the fey creature she is. Being in one place ~ even as beautiful a place as our Lagoon ~ is sometimes too much for one born to ride the currents and move with the tides. I do hope you've all been getting up to an appropriate level of mischief while I've been gone! I see we have some newcomers this week ~ let's first take a look at the originals here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2264417/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, Youngster! You are so hidden in the kelp bed, Mermaid can't tell if you are a boy or a girl ~ not that it matters. Oh well! First of all, I'm very sorry about what happened to you when you were little, and sorry that it continues to trouble you. Prudie gave you accurate practical advice as far as trying to rectify this through the legal system. It's highly unlikely you'll find out anything at all, even if there is something to find. I don't believe you will find anything, because I don't believe anything happened of a prosecutorial nature, or you would have remembered more about it than you do. It's likely that at age 6 you would have been expected to testify against this man, or at least give a taped deposition. If you don't remember anything past making a statement to your dad or some police officers, it's not likely that the man could have been convicted of anything. My guess is that this didn't go past a police report and your dad making a few phone calls in your presence that sounded very portentous to you at the time. Forget about it, honestly. Mermaid would tell you if there is something to worry about, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't.
Since I'd advise you to skip over the investigation part of this and get right to balancing out the wheel of karma (which Mermaid thinks is very important, especially for you) I can't get behind Prudie's advice on how to carry out said investigation, but her comment does lead me to another aspect of your situation that troubles me, maybe more than what you think your real problem is. Prudie advises you to go to your father first ~ and actually I think this is where the real problem is. I don't know if you're in contact with your dad, but Prudie seems to think you might be (I won't judge you on that, but Mermaid wouldn't be talking to a former violent alcoholic who so terrified her she felt cornered into doing something desperate as a little girl, no way, no how) but I wouldn't advise involving him at all in your search. Former alcoholics aren't very good at going over details of the past, especially about things that distressed them at the time, and it's likely your dad "won't remember" ~ and there you'll be stuck ~ with something else your Dad Can't Help You With.
Don't get into another situation with him where you go to him for something and he lets you down ~ as he certainly will. The little girl in you has to stop seeking out the same patterns because you find them comforting in their own familiarity. This could easily become an obsession for you, this "quest for justice", but please don't let it. Mermaid would advise you to immediately drop the investigation aspect of your quest, and focus on what good you can put into the world to make up for the bad you feel you've put into it. You've been given good advice on this, too (although personally, if you don't feel entirely comfortable around the mentally challenged after your experience, it's better to let people help them that genuinely do. It's nice that you'd want to help, but don't use them for your aversion therapy. It's okay.) I suggest volunteering with children at the age you were when this happened to you, so you'll develop a more accurate idea of just what a child that age is capable of ~ and what they are not.
And take it from someone who has been there and who knows ~ it never quite happened the way you remember it did.
***
Hello, my little office bee! So, you have a yucky relative who wants to come work where you do, huh? Do you know what your company's policy is on this? Some companies have the policy of not hiring people who are related, and Mermaid believes this is a good idea. Relatives working together, in my experience, sets up an unhealthy power balance, with the company on the losing side. If the parties in question get along, there is always the shadow of collusion, and if they don't get along, well, it's like Thanksgiving at the Bickersons all the time. I'm not sure she could cost you your job if she came aboard, but I do know that the stress on you might affect your performance, and you can't take that risk. In this case, you can't let the fact that you are unfortunately related to this person hold you back from reporting what you know about them as an employee and potential team member. I have no doubt that any nay vote by you, such a valued employee, will be all that your employers need to make their determination. And no, Mermaid does not think this makes you a bad person. As evidenced by the fact that you have already distanced yourself from this person in your personal life ~ it makes you a person with a healthy sense of self-preservation that you would do the same in your professional life as well.
***
O Great Neptune's Trident! Mermaid saw you paddling in and all I wanted to do was put my fingers in my ears and sing "la-la-la-la-la-la-la…" because if I have to hear one more pitiable young thing say the dreaded (and probably copyrighted by now) "he's perfect in every way BUT…" I swear that Mermaid will start towing you all out to sea and dropping you off at The Island of Misfit Girls, where you can all sit around and think of new excuses to make for the abusers in your life, because you all must be running out of fresh ones by now!
Look, Mermaid has had a rough couple of months. I guess you've heard we had a little mess down here? So, it's made me a little raw lately ~ and not in a good way like sushi. And frankly, I'm tired of having my good advice disregarded like so much flotsam and jetsam, instead of passed around like the jewels they are. So let me just try and explain to you, patiently, that any scenario where you find yourself uttering the words "boyfriend" and "vicious" in the same sentence is a scenario you should leave as soon as possible. Without leaving a forwarding address. But you won't. You'll think it's cute that he's so possessive, and you'll think it means he loves you. But you know the truth is he'd think less of you (if that's possible) if he knew ~ which is why you lied. This is not someone who is going to make a good husband for you, so it's cool if you want to keep dating him with that in mind. Just remember that unless you can let someone see your authentic self, and Know that is what he loves you for, you will never have the true love you seek with someone.
Mermaid advises you to tell him the truth. Not because he deserves to know and not because you are afraid he'll find out anyway. I want you to tell him because I want you to see his reaction BEFORE you marry him ~ while you still have time to chart a different course.
***
Ah, I see we've saved the best for last. Well, Little Mother, I think you've certainly come to the right place ~ you'll not get slapped around unduly here, because Mermaid has been in your shoes. I was a single mom with a little boy, all on my own, and I made a lot of mistakes, too. And it wasn't because I didn't love my baby! Completely the opposite ~ I was completely besotted with him, and so enchanted that I barely set him down the first year of his life. But I'm sure I did some things incorrectly, because I just didn't have anyone to help me, and I didn't know any better about some things.
For example, did you know that babies need to have water? I didn't! I nursed my son until he was a year old and he never had anything but milk of mermaid to sustain him! I didn't find out until years later that babies should be given supplemental water ~ can you imagine how awful I felt?! And I'd read books (lotsandlotsandlots of books!) but somehow, I'd missed that! So, everyone has something they could learn about being a parent. The thing is, though ~ you have to WANT to be a parent. And I'm not sure that you do right now.
How old were you when you had your son, honey? Because you sound awfully young. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it does complicate things if you feel you are missing out on your youth. I'm assuming that you have your little boy every other weekend? Well, my son's father had a job that kept him from him for months at a time ~ I had him every single weekend, in addition to every other day. And night. I had no friends who could watch him, nor any family. Try having a social life with that! So, I didn't for a while. And you know what? I lived right through it. I'm not trying to say I'm a superior specimen to you, I'm simply saying it can be done. But don't you worry ~ Mermaid had enough understanding gentlemen callers in her Lagoon from dusk til dawn that I never really felt lacking for anything ~ so she's sure you'll also do just fine with 26 days and nights of the month that are yours to do with what you choose.
Those other four days of the month are for your son, and if you can't start making him feel like you treasure those four days a month as much as you treasure your nights with your boyfriend, your son will stop wanting to come and see you. I'm telling you this as someone who has seen this happen many, many times, from both genders. I further predict that, if that happens, you will blame your son's father, and say he is "turning the child against you" when your son doesn't want to come to your place, and then you'll blame the courts when your ex takes you back to court for more custody and less child support because the boy is with him 100% of the time now. I'd hate to see that happen to you, but I fear your fate is sealed unless you mend your sails quickly.
There is no way to infuse someone with a mothering spirit, so it would be useless to tell you to make your child a priority. If you had it within you, you would already have done so. It would have been instinctive. Your son's dad sounds pretty reasonable ~ most men I know would have just taken you to court already. He sounds like someone you could work with. Maybe you should be having a heart-to-heart with him about having your son once a month for a while, and then working your way up to two times, if having him there for half your weekends is too much for you. You two can agree on any arrangement you want, you know, whatever works for the three of you (and I don't mean your boyfriend!) There's no crime in not being ready to be a mother ~ the crime comes in making your child suffer because you're not.
***
Well, that's all of it for this week, Dear Ones! Mermaid wishes she were in better spirits this week ~ but there are dark clouds over Mermaid's Lagoon that echo the sadness in her heart. It seems that I have returned to find my beloved Submariner and his crew missing ~ and a lonely orange light burning in the window to signal his absence. But never fear! I shall keep my spy-glass handy to scan the horizon for his happy return ~ and in the meantime ~ I send out a siren song to bring the Captain back to the Lagoon where he belongs!
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
http://www.slate.com/id/2264417/
And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?
***
Hello, Youngster! You are so hidden in the kelp bed, Mermaid can't tell if you are a boy or a girl ~ not that it matters. Oh well! First of all, I'm very sorry about what happened to you when you were little, and sorry that it continues to trouble you. Prudie gave you accurate practical advice as far as trying to rectify this through the legal system. It's highly unlikely you'll find out anything at all, even if there is something to find. I don't believe you will find anything, because I don't believe anything happened of a prosecutorial nature, or you would have remembered more about it than you do. It's likely that at age 6 you would have been expected to testify against this man, or at least give a taped deposition. If you don't remember anything past making a statement to your dad or some police officers, it's not likely that the man could have been convicted of anything. My guess is that this didn't go past a police report and your dad making a few phone calls in your presence that sounded very portentous to you at the time. Forget about it, honestly. Mermaid would tell you if there is something to worry about, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't.
Since I'd advise you to skip over the investigation part of this and get right to balancing out the wheel of karma (which Mermaid thinks is very important, especially for you) I can't get behind Prudie's advice on how to carry out said investigation, but her comment does lead me to another aspect of your situation that troubles me, maybe more than what you think your real problem is. Prudie advises you to go to your father first ~ and actually I think this is where the real problem is. I don't know if you're in contact with your dad, but Prudie seems to think you might be (I won't judge you on that, but Mermaid wouldn't be talking to a former violent alcoholic who so terrified her she felt cornered into doing something desperate as a little girl, no way, no how) but I wouldn't advise involving him at all in your search. Former alcoholics aren't very good at going over details of the past, especially about things that distressed them at the time, and it's likely your dad "won't remember" ~ and there you'll be stuck ~ with something else your Dad Can't Help You With.
Don't get into another situation with him where you go to him for something and he lets you down ~ as he certainly will. The little girl in you has to stop seeking out the same patterns because you find them comforting in their own familiarity. This could easily become an obsession for you, this "quest for justice", but please don't let it. Mermaid would advise you to immediately drop the investigation aspect of your quest, and focus on what good you can put into the world to make up for the bad you feel you've put into it. You've been given good advice on this, too (although personally, if you don't feel entirely comfortable around the mentally challenged after your experience, it's better to let people help them that genuinely do. It's nice that you'd want to help, but don't use them for your aversion therapy. It's okay.) I suggest volunteering with children at the age you were when this happened to you, so you'll develop a more accurate idea of just what a child that age is capable of ~ and what they are not.
And take it from someone who has been there and who knows ~ it never quite happened the way you remember it did.
***
Hello, my little office bee! So, you have a yucky relative who wants to come work where you do, huh? Do you know what your company's policy is on this? Some companies have the policy of not hiring people who are related, and Mermaid believes this is a good idea. Relatives working together, in my experience, sets up an unhealthy power balance, with the company on the losing side. If the parties in question get along, there is always the shadow of collusion, and if they don't get along, well, it's like Thanksgiving at the Bickersons all the time. I'm not sure she could cost you your job if she came aboard, but I do know that the stress on you might affect your performance, and you can't take that risk. In this case, you can't let the fact that you are unfortunately related to this person hold you back from reporting what you know about them as an employee and potential team member. I have no doubt that any nay vote by you, such a valued employee, will be all that your employers need to make their determination. And no, Mermaid does not think this makes you a bad person. As evidenced by the fact that you have already distanced yourself from this person in your personal life ~ it makes you a person with a healthy sense of self-preservation that you would do the same in your professional life as well.
***
O Great Neptune's Trident! Mermaid saw you paddling in and all I wanted to do was put my fingers in my ears and sing "la-la-la-la-la-la-la…" because if I have to hear one more pitiable young thing say the dreaded (and probably copyrighted by now) "he's perfect in every way BUT…" I swear that Mermaid will start towing you all out to sea and dropping you off at The Island of Misfit Girls, where you can all sit around and think of new excuses to make for the abusers in your life, because you all must be running out of fresh ones by now!
Look, Mermaid has had a rough couple of months. I guess you've heard we had a little mess down here? So, it's made me a little raw lately ~ and not in a good way like sushi. And frankly, I'm tired of having my good advice disregarded like so much flotsam and jetsam, instead of passed around like the jewels they are. So let me just try and explain to you, patiently, that any scenario where you find yourself uttering the words "boyfriend" and "vicious" in the same sentence is a scenario you should leave as soon as possible. Without leaving a forwarding address. But you won't. You'll think it's cute that he's so possessive, and you'll think it means he loves you. But you know the truth is he'd think less of you (if that's possible) if he knew ~ which is why you lied. This is not someone who is going to make a good husband for you, so it's cool if you want to keep dating him with that in mind. Just remember that unless you can let someone see your authentic self, and Know that is what he loves you for, you will never have the true love you seek with someone.
Mermaid advises you to tell him the truth. Not because he deserves to know and not because you are afraid he'll find out anyway. I want you to tell him because I want you to see his reaction BEFORE you marry him ~ while you still have time to chart a different course.
***
Ah, I see we've saved the best for last. Well, Little Mother, I think you've certainly come to the right place ~ you'll not get slapped around unduly here, because Mermaid has been in your shoes. I was a single mom with a little boy, all on my own, and I made a lot of mistakes, too. And it wasn't because I didn't love my baby! Completely the opposite ~ I was completely besotted with him, and so enchanted that I barely set him down the first year of his life. But I'm sure I did some things incorrectly, because I just didn't have anyone to help me, and I didn't know any better about some things.
For example, did you know that babies need to have water? I didn't! I nursed my son until he was a year old and he never had anything but milk of mermaid to sustain him! I didn't find out until years later that babies should be given supplemental water ~ can you imagine how awful I felt?! And I'd read books (lotsandlotsandlots of books!) but somehow, I'd missed that! So, everyone has something they could learn about being a parent. The thing is, though ~ you have to WANT to be a parent. And I'm not sure that you do right now.
How old were you when you had your son, honey? Because you sound awfully young. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it does complicate things if you feel you are missing out on your youth. I'm assuming that you have your little boy every other weekend? Well, my son's father had a job that kept him from him for months at a time ~ I had him every single weekend, in addition to every other day. And night. I had no friends who could watch him, nor any family. Try having a social life with that! So, I didn't for a while. And you know what? I lived right through it. I'm not trying to say I'm a superior specimen to you, I'm simply saying it can be done. But don't you worry ~ Mermaid had enough understanding gentlemen callers in her Lagoon from dusk til dawn that I never really felt lacking for anything ~ so she's sure you'll also do just fine with 26 days and nights of the month that are yours to do with what you choose.
Those other four days of the month are for your son, and if you can't start making him feel like you treasure those four days a month as much as you treasure your nights with your boyfriend, your son will stop wanting to come and see you. I'm telling you this as someone who has seen this happen many, many times, from both genders. I further predict that, if that happens, you will blame your son's father, and say he is "turning the child against you" when your son doesn't want to come to your place, and then you'll blame the courts when your ex takes you back to court for more custody and less child support because the boy is with him 100% of the time now. I'd hate to see that happen to you, but I fear your fate is sealed unless you mend your sails quickly.
There is no way to infuse someone with a mothering spirit, so it would be useless to tell you to make your child a priority. If you had it within you, you would already have done so. It would have been instinctive. Your son's dad sounds pretty reasonable ~ most men I know would have just taken you to court already. He sounds like someone you could work with. Maybe you should be having a heart-to-heart with him about having your son once a month for a while, and then working your way up to two times, if having him there for half your weekends is too much for you. You two can agree on any arrangement you want, you know, whatever works for the three of you (and I don't mean your boyfriend!) There's no crime in not being ready to be a mother ~ the crime comes in making your child suffer because you're not.
***
Well, that's all of it for this week, Dear Ones! Mermaid wishes she were in better spirits this week ~ but there are dark clouds over Mermaid's Lagoon that echo the sadness in her heart. It seems that I have returned to find my beloved Submariner and his crew missing ~ and a lonely orange light burning in the window to signal his absence. But never fear! I shall keep my spy-glass handy to scan the horizon for his happy return ~ and in the meantime ~ I send out a siren song to bring the Captain back to the Lagoon where he belongs!
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
On the pollution sometimes spewed by mortals into the same waters they swim in... in other words, crapping in your own pool, folks.
Greetings, Dear Friends!
My goodness but the tides seem to have blown in quite a bit of flotsam this week ~ could it have anything to do with the massive spew of pollution off the coast, and the ensuing devastation of our ocean mother that we've all been forced to helplessly witness, and that has Mermaid in a state of mourning? Surely there could be no other explanation for the some of the ugliness found floating in our Lagoon today!
First, let's have a look at the original letters here:
http://fray.slate.com/id/2065896/view/2116427/
And then let's dive right in, shall we?
***
Salutations, young litigator! I think it only fair to warn you that Mermaid just passed her 22nd anniversary (in mortal years) of working with and for attorneys. So, as you might imagine, I know a thing or two about them, least of which is that they do masturbate, and sometimes in their office. This is what private offices, a lot of stress and many hours away from home and loved ones will engender. And that's the mild stuff. I've learned over the years that attorneys do lots of things for which a gentle and trusty assistant ~ who knows when and when not to mind her own goddam business ~ can be most helpful in pointing out the error of their ways. Most recently, one of my bosses had the habit of returning phone calls to clients on his cellular phone whilst sitting on the commode. He said it gave him "private time to think". I told him it gave the person on the other end plenty to think about also, and to visualize ~ and none of it good for the attorney.
Before I give you my advice which basically consists of MYOFB, I'll tell you a story about what being "95% sure" of something will get you (which is mostly a "not guilty by reasonable doubt" verdict).
One of my bosses, a male attorney, was due in court one morning and didn't notice until he'd left the house that his trousers had a tear right in the bottom of the seat. I offered to mend it for him, but he didn't want to be late for court, so he borrowed from this gentle and trusty assistant a small sewing kit, and left for the courthouse. When he arrived there, early enough, he sat in the front seat of the car in the parking lot and attempted to mend the hole himself, by pulling his pants down just enough to get access to the tear, without removing them completely.
We surmise that he was spied by some workers in the high-rise next to the courthouse, concentrating overly long on his crotchular area, because he was soon surrounded by several police squad cars, who demanded that he exit his vehicle. He's a good citizen otherwise, and tried to comply, but you see ~ he'd accidentally stitched his pants to the fabric seat of the car and couldn't move! Now for my advice…
Mermaid is rather upset with you. Is it my imagination, or did you threaten BLACKMAIL of your boss? That's what I would call it when someone points out that "he's not the person who makes the pay decisions so it is not as though I can leverage this in any lucrative way." This, in combination with your greatly mistaken notion that this minor incident involving your boss is worthy of the brain-fart you've expelled on it, means Mermaid is fairly disgusted with you. You are the lowest of lowly creatures, a belly-scraping snake, void of scruples, tact, humility, and humanity ~ and as such, will no doubt make a fine attorney.
***
Ah, hello young mother. Your dilemma strikes a chord with Mermaid, because I am also the mother of a son who used to be 15, and his father and I divorced when he was very small. Thank goodness we've always had a very good relationship, though, and I never had to experience what you've had to with your ex-husband, although in my aforementioned line of work, I see it quite frequently. As an aside, your attorney should be able to help you with the parental alienation aspect of your situation, which is considered child abuse by your ex-spouse. I encourage you to go to his office and speak to him or her. Just make sure you knock first, please.
My initial reaction to your letter was one of dismay ~ why would your son automatically believe his father without even a discussion with you? Mermaid cannot picture a son doing this to his mother without some sort of pre-existing difficulty between the two of you, some sort of break in your relationship that's previously occurred. I hope I'm wrong in this, but the way your son simply accepted this at face value indicates a situation for which counseling for the two of you should have been the first remedy prescribed.
There is a way to circumnavigate the fact that you want to let your son know what you know without letting him know how you came to know. I would raise the subject with him by pointing out that his behavior was different after his last visit with his father ~ and let him know you have some concerns about what his father may have said to him ~ as he's threatened to do in the past. You don't have to let him know that the information is new to you via him via your snooping ~ you can lead him to believe that you've heard these things spouted from his father as soon as the split came and the order for child support followed it. It's common enough. This can open up the dialogue that you badly need to have with your son, and it's important enough that Mermaid will not trouble herself with this little subterfuge if it achieves this goal.
I'm not in favor of snooping ~ but that's easily said by a mother whose child never needed snooping on. The fact is ~ you could have guessed these things without having read your son's private writings ~ they only confirmed for you what you already suspected ~ that your ex is badmouthing you.
After the door has been opened, it's important that you keep your foot in it to prevent it closing again. Your son is at an age when he naturally wants to start separating from you ~ you just don't want your ex-husband's filthy ravings to be the springboard from which he does it.
***
Welcome, young one. My condolences on the loss of your friend, and my sympathy for your own injuries in the accident. My goodness, but your letter has certainly stirred up some interesting speculation ~ mostly from Mermaid, I'll admit.
The first interesting thing of note is that one cannot tell if you are a male or female ~ not that it makes a difference, it's simply interesting. The second interesting thing is some of your phraseology ~ the way you point out how close you were to this friend and then ask if you are "entitled" to go through her things ~ makes me think that you believe you are ~ entitled ~ for perhaps a deeper reason than you cared to go into. Again, not that it makes any difference in my advice, it's simply interesting.
In answer to your question ~ No, you are not "entitled" to go through her things. Only her heirs are.
What confuses me about your situation is why you have not approached her parents before this ~ or they have not approached you. If I were in their situation, I would have wanted to know everything about my child's last moments on earth ~ and you would be the only source for that. Did you know her parents? Did they come to see you in the hospital? Did you attend her funeral? As it's difficult to know the relationship between you and her parents, I will assume there is none. As such, it would not be inappropriate for you to approach her parents (indeed, in Mermaid's humble opinion, NOT approaching her parents would be inappropriate) to talk about your mutual loss. Try very hard not to do so with the retrieval of her belongings being uppermost in your mind. It has been my personal experience that her parents will eventually want to see that the things they don't keep for themselves go to people that will love and treasure them but it may take a very long time for them to get to that point. It would be appropriate for you to tell her parents anecdotally about where this trinket came from, or how this gift came to pass between you two. It would also be appropriate for you to wait to be offered these things. To you, they are trinkets, mementos, and lent possessions. To them ~ they embody their daughter. They may not be ready to turn these items over to you right away, but the day will come, and the tides will turn, when they are ready to do so ~ and then they will know who to give them to. Mermaid wishes you the best in your continued recovery, and encourages you to linger as long as you like in the healing waters of the Lagoon.
***
Greetings, dear lady! While Mermaid sympathizes with the desire of you and your husband not to constantly "fool" people each time you walk out the door ~ you must remember that you are not deceiving these people ~ they are deceiving themselves. You cannot help that they jump to conclusions and it's not your job to disavow them of their illusions. Your husband can accept all those hugs and thanks for service exactly at face value as they are offered. And Prudie was right ~ he needn't feel compelled to detail how he lost his leg ~ he could think of it as his little good deed for the day if he allows people to believe they brightened the day of a vet who lost his leg in service to our country. (It might take the shine off it for them otherwise. Mermaid doesn't believe in dimming anyone's shine if she can help it.)
Mermaid also thinks that it is a very sad state of affairs if a person can see another person of approximately the right sex and age and assume their physical condition came about as a result of this war. That means there are far too many of them ~ although Mermaid would also point out to herself that even one is one too many.
***
Well, that's it for this week, Dear Friends! Mermaid is in her last two weeks of class for the semester and, following that, hopes to return with more frequent regularity to the waters of our fair Lagoon. For one thing ~ I've missed you all dreadfully! For another thing, there's a certain lonely sea Captain and his crew that Mermaid has been away from for far too long… anyone for a game of Marco Polo? How about Strip Marco Polo? As you can see, Mermaid already has quite a head start… ;)
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
My goodness but the tides seem to have blown in quite a bit of flotsam this week ~ could it have anything to do with the massive spew of pollution off the coast, and the ensuing devastation of our ocean mother that we've all been forced to helplessly witness, and that has Mermaid in a state of mourning? Surely there could be no other explanation for the some of the ugliness found floating in our Lagoon today!
First, let's have a look at the original letters here:
http://fray.slate.com/id/2065896/view/2116427/
And then let's dive right in, shall we?
***
Salutations, young litigator! I think it only fair to warn you that Mermaid just passed her 22nd anniversary (in mortal years) of working with and for attorneys. So, as you might imagine, I know a thing or two about them, least of which is that they do masturbate, and sometimes in their office. This is what private offices, a lot of stress and many hours away from home and loved ones will engender. And that's the mild stuff. I've learned over the years that attorneys do lots of things for which a gentle and trusty assistant ~ who knows when and when not to mind her own goddam business ~ can be most helpful in pointing out the error of their ways. Most recently, one of my bosses had the habit of returning phone calls to clients on his cellular phone whilst sitting on the commode. He said it gave him "private time to think". I told him it gave the person on the other end plenty to think about also, and to visualize ~ and none of it good for the attorney.
Before I give you my advice which basically consists of MYOFB, I'll tell you a story about what being "95% sure" of something will get you (which is mostly a "not guilty by reasonable doubt" verdict).
One of my bosses, a male attorney, was due in court one morning and didn't notice until he'd left the house that his trousers had a tear right in the bottom of the seat. I offered to mend it for him, but he didn't want to be late for court, so he borrowed from this gentle and trusty assistant a small sewing kit, and left for the courthouse. When he arrived there, early enough, he sat in the front seat of the car in the parking lot and attempted to mend the hole himself, by pulling his pants down just enough to get access to the tear, without removing them completely.
We surmise that he was spied by some workers in the high-rise next to the courthouse, concentrating overly long on his crotchular area, because he was soon surrounded by several police squad cars, who demanded that he exit his vehicle. He's a good citizen otherwise, and tried to comply, but you see ~ he'd accidentally stitched his pants to the fabric seat of the car and couldn't move! Now for my advice…
Mermaid is rather upset with you. Is it my imagination, or did you threaten BLACKMAIL of your boss? That's what I would call it when someone points out that "he's not the person who makes the pay decisions so it is not as though I can leverage this in any lucrative way." This, in combination with your greatly mistaken notion that this minor incident involving your boss is worthy of the brain-fart you've expelled on it, means Mermaid is fairly disgusted with you. You are the lowest of lowly creatures, a belly-scraping snake, void of scruples, tact, humility, and humanity ~ and as such, will no doubt make a fine attorney.
***
Ah, hello young mother. Your dilemma strikes a chord with Mermaid, because I am also the mother of a son who used to be 15, and his father and I divorced when he was very small. Thank goodness we've always had a very good relationship, though, and I never had to experience what you've had to with your ex-husband, although in my aforementioned line of work, I see it quite frequently. As an aside, your attorney should be able to help you with the parental alienation aspect of your situation, which is considered child abuse by your ex-spouse. I encourage you to go to his office and speak to him or her. Just make sure you knock first, please.
My initial reaction to your letter was one of dismay ~ why would your son automatically believe his father without even a discussion with you? Mermaid cannot picture a son doing this to his mother without some sort of pre-existing difficulty between the two of you, some sort of break in your relationship that's previously occurred. I hope I'm wrong in this, but the way your son simply accepted this at face value indicates a situation for which counseling for the two of you should have been the first remedy prescribed.
There is a way to circumnavigate the fact that you want to let your son know what you know without letting him know how you came to know. I would raise the subject with him by pointing out that his behavior was different after his last visit with his father ~ and let him know you have some concerns about what his father may have said to him ~ as he's threatened to do in the past. You don't have to let him know that the information is new to you via him via your snooping ~ you can lead him to believe that you've heard these things spouted from his father as soon as the split came and the order for child support followed it. It's common enough. This can open up the dialogue that you badly need to have with your son, and it's important enough that Mermaid will not trouble herself with this little subterfuge if it achieves this goal.
I'm not in favor of snooping ~ but that's easily said by a mother whose child never needed snooping on. The fact is ~ you could have guessed these things without having read your son's private writings ~ they only confirmed for you what you already suspected ~ that your ex is badmouthing you.
After the door has been opened, it's important that you keep your foot in it to prevent it closing again. Your son is at an age when he naturally wants to start separating from you ~ you just don't want your ex-husband's filthy ravings to be the springboard from which he does it.
***
Welcome, young one. My condolences on the loss of your friend, and my sympathy for your own injuries in the accident. My goodness, but your letter has certainly stirred up some interesting speculation ~ mostly from Mermaid, I'll admit.
The first interesting thing of note is that one cannot tell if you are a male or female ~ not that it makes a difference, it's simply interesting. The second interesting thing is some of your phraseology ~ the way you point out how close you were to this friend and then ask if you are "entitled" to go through her things ~ makes me think that you believe you are ~ entitled ~ for perhaps a deeper reason than you cared to go into. Again, not that it makes any difference in my advice, it's simply interesting.
In answer to your question ~ No, you are not "entitled" to go through her things. Only her heirs are.
What confuses me about your situation is why you have not approached her parents before this ~ or they have not approached you. If I were in their situation, I would have wanted to know everything about my child's last moments on earth ~ and you would be the only source for that. Did you know her parents? Did they come to see you in the hospital? Did you attend her funeral? As it's difficult to know the relationship between you and her parents, I will assume there is none. As such, it would not be inappropriate for you to approach her parents (indeed, in Mermaid's humble opinion, NOT approaching her parents would be inappropriate) to talk about your mutual loss. Try very hard not to do so with the retrieval of her belongings being uppermost in your mind. It has been my personal experience that her parents will eventually want to see that the things they don't keep for themselves go to people that will love and treasure them but it may take a very long time for them to get to that point. It would be appropriate for you to tell her parents anecdotally about where this trinket came from, or how this gift came to pass between you two. It would also be appropriate for you to wait to be offered these things. To you, they are trinkets, mementos, and lent possessions. To them ~ they embody their daughter. They may not be ready to turn these items over to you right away, but the day will come, and the tides will turn, when they are ready to do so ~ and then they will know who to give them to. Mermaid wishes you the best in your continued recovery, and encourages you to linger as long as you like in the healing waters of the Lagoon.
***
Greetings, dear lady! While Mermaid sympathizes with the desire of you and your husband not to constantly "fool" people each time you walk out the door ~ you must remember that you are not deceiving these people ~ they are deceiving themselves. You cannot help that they jump to conclusions and it's not your job to disavow them of their illusions. Your husband can accept all those hugs and thanks for service exactly at face value as they are offered. And Prudie was right ~ he needn't feel compelled to detail how he lost his leg ~ he could think of it as his little good deed for the day if he allows people to believe they brightened the day of a vet who lost his leg in service to our country. (It might take the shine off it for them otherwise. Mermaid doesn't believe in dimming anyone's shine if she can help it.)
Mermaid also thinks that it is a very sad state of affairs if a person can see another person of approximately the right sex and age and assume their physical condition came about as a result of this war. That means there are far too many of them ~ although Mermaid would also point out to herself that even one is one too many.
***
Well, that's it for this week, Dear Friends! Mermaid is in her last two weeks of class for the semester and, following that, hopes to return with more frequent regularity to the waters of our fair Lagoon. For one thing ~ I've missed you all dreadfully! For another thing, there's a certain lonely sea Captain and his crew that Mermaid has been away from for far too long… anyone for a game of Marco Polo? How about Strip Marco Polo? As you can see, Mermaid already has quite a head start… ;)
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
On Vicious Cycles of the Mind and Spirit
Greetings, Dear Friends! And a fine, fine day it is in the Lagoon! Would you believe Mermaid narrowly missed snow last night? To be sure, on my travels home last night there were flurries abundant, but they did not stick, and when Mermaid awoke this morning, everything smelled clean and fresh ~ the Earth was newly washed.
How wonderful it would be if the mortals of your world could wake so easily cleansed and renewed. But then ~ if they could ~ what would be left for Mermaid to do all day? That conundrum has never been more apparent than this week ~ it appears that all of my visitors share the same quality of being trapped in their own ugly thoughts and/or deeds. Before Mermaid renders her particular brand of aid, let's have a look at their original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2251570/
And then let's dive right in, shall we?
***
Hello, Young One! First, Mermaid must warn you that I'm much MUCH older than I look. In fact, I am immortal, which means I've seen many things over many lifetimes. It always especially tickles me to deal with young people and realize I have undergarments that are older than they are ~ so thank you for that.
I'm going to be serious with you, and I'm going to give you serious advice. I don't expect you to take it now ~ your kind never does ~ but rather, print it out, tuck it away, and someday when you're at the advanced age of *horrors!* over 30, and you are sitting alone, friendless, jobless, and without many prospects left, you'll pull this paper out and therein solve the mystery of how your life went so terribly wrong.
The first thing you need to know is ~ people are not going to set you straight because you are the type of person that no one wants to help. You present as very self-centered, rude, mean, condescending, manipulative, underhanded, and conniving ~ among other things ~ and people want to see people like yourself take a fall and disappear rather than improve. You may think people are on your side when you display various of your antics ~ but they are only too kind to tell you what they think (in other words ~ they are not like YOU) and are keeping you at arm's distance while pretending to agree with you because they sense what a nasty cat you are underneath ~ and they don't want your claws turned on them.
You make the mistake Mermaid has seen a few times ~ you enter a job and treat it as an extension of high school ~ your own personal playground and social outlet. You'll skip around all day wreaking havoc, thinking you're cute and charming and everyone loves you ~ and ignoring all those old fuddy-duddies that roll their eyes in irritation and can't wait for you to be on to the next cubicle so they can get back to the real world concerns of trying to earn a paycheck and keep a roof over their family's head.
As to your present "problem" ~ it's glaringly obvious that you're green with envy at the position held by your superior (and yes she is ~ in so many ways) and instead of trying to learn a few things from her so you might earn being where she is in due time ~ you set about badmouthing her and instigating rude pranks against her in an effort to take her down. I'd like to ask you something honestly ~ are you dumb? I mean that very seriously ~ are you one of these people that are really not very bright and only got where she is by manipulating some underling into doing her homework? Or one who goes around causing as much mayhem and upheaval as possible and hopes to emerge victorious when the dust settles? Because you strike me as someone without very clear powers of reasoning and projection. Mermaid cannot fathom how you think your actions are going to play out favorably for the long haul. Do you honestly picture some great uprising by radio listeners as they descend upon the station with pitchforks and torches to slay the decrepit old beast and crown you their new Queen? (Or Princess ~ yes, let's make that a Princess for sure!)
Mermaid holds much pity for you, she really does. I see a very sad life for you if you don't mend your ways ~ most of it being spent blaming other people for blackballing you out of your chosen industry by being jealous of you and resenting your youth and beauty. Notice I never mentioned "talent" ~ because I doubt that it will ever cross your mind that you should work on that as an asset.
***
Oh, my poor Dear. Mermaid is heartbroken to hear of the trauma you've suffered ~ and continue to suffer. It must have been a terrible shock to witness such an accident. You are lucky that you weren't injured or killed yourself! I'd like to find that insulting, insensitive, and cruel bystander and give him a piece of my mind for the hurt he's caused you ~ he should be ashamed of himself.
I can sympathize greatly with what you've been through. Once when Mermaid was a child, she was traveling in a car with her family and witnessed the car directly in front of them inexplicably crash through the railing and fly off the freeway off-ramp into the darkened sky. Shocked and horrified, my father could barely keep control of our own car, he was so badly shaken, and we pulled off as soon as we could to call the authorities. We never found out what happened exactly, but to this day, Mermaid has near panic attacks when driving over similar high off-ramps and will often re-route her whole trip to avoid them. I understand how events like this don't ever really go away, even with help.
Mermaid would like to examine with you why you feel so guilty ~ do you think you could have done something more when the driver of the car tried to "squeeze back in between you and the bus"? Is that where it starts to fall apart for you? Do you torture yourself with thinking that if you'd just sped up a little (I'm assuming you were the lead vehicle) that the driver would have had time to dart back in to safety? Are you thinking subconsciously that you knew you should have pulled over and let faster cars be on their way ~ and you didn't?
Look ~ Mermaid could easily get all mystical on you and talk to you about Fate and when a person's Time is really up ~ but the truth is very simple and much more down-to-earth ~ this young woman made a series of very foolish choices that day, and had likely made them on other days as well, and this day her luck simply ran out ~ and you were the unfortunate witness to it ~ and others were the unfortunate victims.
I know you have heard these words before, likely from your husband and your therapist ~ and the fact that they have had no impact on you and you have not healed means that you need further ~ and deeper ~ help. You were involved in this accident also, and it has injured your psyche. You have internalized this trauma and if you don't get help, it will begin to affect your health. Prudie was right in advising you to seek a therapist that specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder to help you break the vicious cycle, which has now become biochemical, of replaying the horrible incident over and over in your mind. Your present therapist appears unable to do that. You may need some medication to get you over the hump, perhaps hypnotherapy, perhaps some biofeedback ~ perhaps a course of all three treatments plus talk therapy. What you cannot do is give up and allow this young woman's foolish choices to destroy another life besides her own.
Mermaid holds you in her heart until next we meet, and hopes fervently that when we do, this terrible cloud of guilt, and blame, which was not of your making, has been lifted from you.
***
Welcome, Delicate One! You'll forgive Mermaid for a bad case of the giggles ~ I'm picturing all the fun my beloved Submariner is going to have with your situation over on his side of our fair Lagoon. Far be it from me to attempt to out-snark the expert, but I just have to point out that I'm sure there's a very good reason that you weren’t asked to go to the party everyone else went to ~ and that reason is, my little flower, that YOU ARE A TOTAL DRAG.
Two lessons are to be learned here ~ the first is that furniture is never as important as feelings. You saw two people in the midst of making love and all you could think about was the fabric underneath them? Are you one of those that lie there when it's your turn and contemplates the new ceiling color? Or thinks of England? The only rude person in that room that fateful night was the person who interrupted two people in flagrante and had the disgusting nerve to comment on it. Charming.
The second lesson to be learned is ~ people have sex on their furniture. Especially people in your age bracket. You can be sure that each time you have been a guest in one of your friends' homes, you have sat upon, been served food on, or done your laundry in, an item that has had sex consummated upon it. Do you drive a used car? Sexed in! Been to the movies? Sexed in! Taken a walk on the beach? Sexed on! Visited Mermaid's Lagoon? Mind the wet spot! Okay, I think you get the picture.
Oh, and by the way… the younger sister of your boyfriend's close friend? The one who got invited to the party you didn't attend? The one the boys like? You are jealous of her. And it shows. As for worrying how you should act around these people if you ever see them again, I wouldn't. Worry about it, I mean. Mermaid has a feeling that, unless you dislodge that major stick you have up your butt, you'll have your entire house all to yourself before long. To that end, I highly encourage you to post a message on her brother's Facebook page and thereby cement your status as Judgmental Bitch of the Year.
***
It's lovely to see you, Dear Lady! Now, if only Mermaid was as glad to hear about your problem. I sometimes wonder why mortals bother getting married at all if they truly don't enjoy their partner. And by enjoy ~ I don't mean enjoying everything in tandem as if you are two oxen yoked together ~ but rather, enjoy the pleasure and reactions your beloved displays for things that make them happy. Mermaid must ask you ~ don't you take any pleasure at all in your husband's pleasure even if there's nothing directly in it for you? Or must it be about you all the time for you to be happy? That strikes Mermaid as an exceedingly selfish way to run a marriage, and one that can’t be happy for at least one of the parties concerned.
Tell me ~ do you fancy yourself so interesting that you have never bored your husband with things he could really care less about? How kind and loving of him never to have let on. Perhaps you could ask him how he manages it!
You know ~ most women would be delighted that their husband wants to share things with them ~ even solicit their opinions! I hear far more complaints from women whose husbands hide themselves in the basement doing godknowswhat and only emerge to buy more bottles of lotion to put on the skin. But obviously you've rationalized and entrenched your dismissive attitude towards your husband in a way I don't think I can combat ~ so I'll answer your question exactly as you have posed it ~ "Is caring about him sufficient reason to just suck it up and feign interest?" Well, let's see if we can't figure this out together, shall we? Your husband is "baffled" and "upset" that you won't "do something as simple as give him an opinion". And you become "snappish" and "annoyed" when he tries to share things with you. How long do you think he's going to put up with things being this way until he starts to look for someone who can at least feign some interest, if not be outright enthusiastic about his hobbies with him? It's honestly not that hard to just give him an opinion is it? Just pick the *pretty one* and be done with it! Because I promise you, my dear, there are plenty of women out there who would love a husband who was so interested in bringing them into his world ~ and you just might catch the tail end of one as she rides off on that bike she helped him build ~ instead of you.
***
Well, Dear Friends, both old and new, it looks like that's all for this week here in our tranquil Lagoon! Goodness, but Mermaid feels like she needs a dip in these cleansing waters to rid herself of all this week's negativity! And today started with so much shining promise! I tell you ~ it's enough to send me back to my bed, to close my eyes and bury my nose in my beloved's t-shirt and inhale deeply his sweet scent, and once again feel his gentle, strong arms around me ~ and thus emerge cleansed and renewed once more. I ask you Friends ~ can Mermaid have a do-over?
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
How wonderful it would be if the mortals of your world could wake so easily cleansed and renewed. But then ~ if they could ~ what would be left for Mermaid to do all day? That conundrum has never been more apparent than this week ~ it appears that all of my visitors share the same quality of being trapped in their own ugly thoughts and/or deeds. Before Mermaid renders her particular brand of aid, let's have a look at their original letters here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2251570/
And then let's dive right in, shall we?
***
Hello, Young One! First, Mermaid must warn you that I'm much MUCH older than I look. In fact, I am immortal, which means I've seen many things over many lifetimes. It always especially tickles me to deal with young people and realize I have undergarments that are older than they are ~ so thank you for that.
I'm going to be serious with you, and I'm going to give you serious advice. I don't expect you to take it now ~ your kind never does ~ but rather, print it out, tuck it away, and someday when you're at the advanced age of *horrors!* over 30, and you are sitting alone, friendless, jobless, and without many prospects left, you'll pull this paper out and therein solve the mystery of how your life went so terribly wrong.
The first thing you need to know is ~ people are not going to set you straight because you are the type of person that no one wants to help. You present as very self-centered, rude, mean, condescending, manipulative, underhanded, and conniving ~ among other things ~ and people want to see people like yourself take a fall and disappear rather than improve. You may think people are on your side when you display various of your antics ~ but they are only too kind to tell you what they think (in other words ~ they are not like YOU) and are keeping you at arm's distance while pretending to agree with you because they sense what a nasty cat you are underneath ~ and they don't want your claws turned on them.
You make the mistake Mermaid has seen a few times ~ you enter a job and treat it as an extension of high school ~ your own personal playground and social outlet. You'll skip around all day wreaking havoc, thinking you're cute and charming and everyone loves you ~ and ignoring all those old fuddy-duddies that roll their eyes in irritation and can't wait for you to be on to the next cubicle so they can get back to the real world concerns of trying to earn a paycheck and keep a roof over their family's head.
As to your present "problem" ~ it's glaringly obvious that you're green with envy at the position held by your superior (and yes she is ~ in so many ways) and instead of trying to learn a few things from her so you might earn being where she is in due time ~ you set about badmouthing her and instigating rude pranks against her in an effort to take her down. I'd like to ask you something honestly ~ are you dumb? I mean that very seriously ~ are you one of these people that are really not very bright and only got where she is by manipulating some underling into doing her homework? Or one who goes around causing as much mayhem and upheaval as possible and hopes to emerge victorious when the dust settles? Because you strike me as someone without very clear powers of reasoning and projection. Mermaid cannot fathom how you think your actions are going to play out favorably for the long haul. Do you honestly picture some great uprising by radio listeners as they descend upon the station with pitchforks and torches to slay the decrepit old beast and crown you their new Queen? (Or Princess ~ yes, let's make that a Princess for sure!)
Mermaid holds much pity for you, she really does. I see a very sad life for you if you don't mend your ways ~ most of it being spent blaming other people for blackballing you out of your chosen industry by being jealous of you and resenting your youth and beauty. Notice I never mentioned "talent" ~ because I doubt that it will ever cross your mind that you should work on that as an asset.
***
Oh, my poor Dear. Mermaid is heartbroken to hear of the trauma you've suffered ~ and continue to suffer. It must have been a terrible shock to witness such an accident. You are lucky that you weren't injured or killed yourself! I'd like to find that insulting, insensitive, and cruel bystander and give him a piece of my mind for the hurt he's caused you ~ he should be ashamed of himself.
I can sympathize greatly with what you've been through. Once when Mermaid was a child, she was traveling in a car with her family and witnessed the car directly in front of them inexplicably crash through the railing and fly off the freeway off-ramp into the darkened sky. Shocked and horrified, my father could barely keep control of our own car, he was so badly shaken, and we pulled off as soon as we could to call the authorities. We never found out what happened exactly, but to this day, Mermaid has near panic attacks when driving over similar high off-ramps and will often re-route her whole trip to avoid them. I understand how events like this don't ever really go away, even with help.
Mermaid would like to examine with you why you feel so guilty ~ do you think you could have done something more when the driver of the car tried to "squeeze back in between you and the bus"? Is that where it starts to fall apart for you? Do you torture yourself with thinking that if you'd just sped up a little (I'm assuming you were the lead vehicle) that the driver would have had time to dart back in to safety? Are you thinking subconsciously that you knew you should have pulled over and let faster cars be on their way ~ and you didn't?
Look ~ Mermaid could easily get all mystical on you and talk to you about Fate and when a person's Time is really up ~ but the truth is very simple and much more down-to-earth ~ this young woman made a series of very foolish choices that day, and had likely made them on other days as well, and this day her luck simply ran out ~ and you were the unfortunate witness to it ~ and others were the unfortunate victims.
I know you have heard these words before, likely from your husband and your therapist ~ and the fact that they have had no impact on you and you have not healed means that you need further ~ and deeper ~ help. You were involved in this accident also, and it has injured your psyche. You have internalized this trauma and if you don't get help, it will begin to affect your health. Prudie was right in advising you to seek a therapist that specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder to help you break the vicious cycle, which has now become biochemical, of replaying the horrible incident over and over in your mind. Your present therapist appears unable to do that. You may need some medication to get you over the hump, perhaps hypnotherapy, perhaps some biofeedback ~ perhaps a course of all three treatments plus talk therapy. What you cannot do is give up and allow this young woman's foolish choices to destroy another life besides her own.
Mermaid holds you in her heart until next we meet, and hopes fervently that when we do, this terrible cloud of guilt, and blame, which was not of your making, has been lifted from you.
***
Welcome, Delicate One! You'll forgive Mermaid for a bad case of the giggles ~ I'm picturing all the fun my beloved Submariner is going to have with your situation over on his side of our fair Lagoon. Far be it from me to attempt to out-snark the expert, but I just have to point out that I'm sure there's a very good reason that you weren’t asked to go to the party everyone else went to ~ and that reason is, my little flower, that YOU ARE A TOTAL DRAG.
Two lessons are to be learned here ~ the first is that furniture is never as important as feelings. You saw two people in the midst of making love and all you could think about was the fabric underneath them? Are you one of those that lie there when it's your turn and contemplates the new ceiling color? Or thinks of England? The only rude person in that room that fateful night was the person who interrupted two people in flagrante and had the disgusting nerve to comment on it. Charming.
The second lesson to be learned is ~ people have sex on their furniture. Especially people in your age bracket. You can be sure that each time you have been a guest in one of your friends' homes, you have sat upon, been served food on, or done your laundry in, an item that has had sex consummated upon it. Do you drive a used car? Sexed in! Been to the movies? Sexed in! Taken a walk on the beach? Sexed on! Visited Mermaid's Lagoon? Mind the wet spot! Okay, I think you get the picture.
Oh, and by the way… the younger sister of your boyfriend's close friend? The one who got invited to the party you didn't attend? The one the boys like? You are jealous of her. And it shows. As for worrying how you should act around these people if you ever see them again, I wouldn't. Worry about it, I mean. Mermaid has a feeling that, unless you dislodge that major stick you have up your butt, you'll have your entire house all to yourself before long. To that end, I highly encourage you to post a message on her brother's Facebook page and thereby cement your status as Judgmental Bitch of the Year.
***
It's lovely to see you, Dear Lady! Now, if only Mermaid was as glad to hear about your problem. I sometimes wonder why mortals bother getting married at all if they truly don't enjoy their partner. And by enjoy ~ I don't mean enjoying everything in tandem as if you are two oxen yoked together ~ but rather, enjoy the pleasure and reactions your beloved displays for things that make them happy. Mermaid must ask you ~ don't you take any pleasure at all in your husband's pleasure even if there's nothing directly in it for you? Or must it be about you all the time for you to be happy? That strikes Mermaid as an exceedingly selfish way to run a marriage, and one that can’t be happy for at least one of the parties concerned.
Tell me ~ do you fancy yourself so interesting that you have never bored your husband with things he could really care less about? How kind and loving of him never to have let on. Perhaps you could ask him how he manages it!
You know ~ most women would be delighted that their husband wants to share things with them ~ even solicit their opinions! I hear far more complaints from women whose husbands hide themselves in the basement doing godknowswhat and only emerge to buy more bottles of lotion to put on the skin. But obviously you've rationalized and entrenched your dismissive attitude towards your husband in a way I don't think I can combat ~ so I'll answer your question exactly as you have posed it ~ "Is caring about him sufficient reason to just suck it up and feign interest?" Well, let's see if we can't figure this out together, shall we? Your husband is "baffled" and "upset" that you won't "do something as simple as give him an opinion". And you become "snappish" and "annoyed" when he tries to share things with you. How long do you think he's going to put up with things being this way until he starts to look for someone who can at least feign some interest, if not be outright enthusiastic about his hobbies with him? It's honestly not that hard to just give him an opinion is it? Just pick the *pretty one* and be done with it! Because I promise you, my dear, there are plenty of women out there who would love a husband who was so interested in bringing them into his world ~ and you just might catch the tail end of one as she rides off on that bike she helped him build ~ instead of you.
***
Well, Dear Friends, both old and new, it looks like that's all for this week here in our tranquil Lagoon! Goodness, but Mermaid feels like she needs a dip in these cleansing waters to rid herself of all this week's negativity! And today started with so much shining promise! I tell you ~ it's enough to send me back to my bed, to close my eyes and bury my nose in my beloved's t-shirt and inhale deeply his sweet scent, and once again feel his gentle, strong arms around me ~ and thus emerge cleansed and renewed once more. I ask you Friends ~ can Mermaid have a do-over?
And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!
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