Mermaid's Lagoon

On Those Who Cannot Say No ~ and Those That Should Have

2010-10-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Greetings Dear Ones! Mermaid is basking in the glow of this absolutely beautiful day in the Lagoon ~ would you believe in the middle of October, with Halloween just a few short weeks away ~ the weather forecast is for a high of 97 degrees? This means that Mermaid won't need to put a bikini top on to dispel the cold just yet! And I see the unseasonably warm weather has brought some visitors! Well, cozy up everyone, and have a look at the original letters here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2271005/pagenum/all/#p2

And then ~ let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Hello Vivisected. Mermaid is pleased to see you sign your name this way ~ it says to me that something has finally reached you deep inside ~ perhaps for the very first time. Prudie is right about one thing ~ it's not often we see the other side of the equation ~ a letter from the person who is about to be the one cut from her family is a rarity, and a chance for Mermaid to explain some things to you that you appear to be woefully oblivious to.

You claim that you don't know where the truth lies regarding the rest of your family's opinion of you ~ but a clue can be found in the fact that they expect you to do the making up to your sister. You were in the wrong, and it apparently follows a long string of being in the wrong. You know very well it wasn't just "one mistake" that has led to this rift, and you're fooling yourself if you allow yourself to think otherwise. And it would be very easy to cut your family out of your life ~ but that's the coward's way out and you know it. Your problem is larger than with your family. You can cut them out to "avoid causing them hurt" ~ and who will that leave to deal with your untreated self? Your family, your co-workers, your ever-dwindling circle of friends? I know you want to crawl into a hole and pull it in over you, but that will only leave you ~ alone and in a hole of your own making.

The only advice Mermaid can give you is that the amends you make must be as large as the hurt you've caused. You should take this one chance (perhaps the last you'll ever be given) and say to your family that your sister's reaction was a real wake-up call for you, and you know that you have indeed been toxic to all. In this case, actions speak louder than words. If you can all manage it, you should seek professional help for whatever it is inside you that tortures you. You need it. And I would recommend this to you even without the consideration of your family, as those who live and work closest to you are likely suffering in silence. I would write one heartfelt, but brief, letter to your sister. I would tell her that she's absolutely right about what she said (whether you feel it in your heart right at the moment) and I would tell her that you're going to respect her space, and that you hope she will give you another chance once you have taken steps to heal yourself. For the rest of your family, you should tell them something similar ~ and have each conversation accompanied by a very large apology.

Mermaid feels for you. I know you don't want to be this way. You can't possibly be happy with yourself ~ and the way you have been treating the people who should be nearest and dearest to you is evidence of that. We sometimes treat people the way we feel we deserve to be treated ~ and I'm sad for you that you don't feel you deserve any better.

***

Welcome, Fixed Smile! My goodness ~ you've been through the mill, haven't you? Well, Mermaid's take on your situation might be a little different than you've heard so far. So, swim a little closer and listen to what I have to tell you.

I don't believe your friend. I don't believe a word he says. I don't believe you did the things he says you did ~ at least not to the extent he claims. So, why would someone do something like this? For the same reason mean girls cozy up to someone, find out all their deepest secrets, and then tell everyone at school all about them. He is not a nice person. Honestly, even if what he says is true, a real friend would have laughed this off, or at the very least given you a very wide pass on this. The fact that this person dumped you off at the bus station (for heaven's sake!) while claiming that you were so incapacitated makes it pretty clear that this person is not your friend. So why would you believe anything he says?

He is trying to trump up trouble with you ~ and you should be cautious that it does not spill over into the workplace. He is a danger to you. You should avoid talking to him about this at work, and while there, your demeanor should be one of absolute cheerful and oblivious professionalism. There is no relationship worth salvaging here. Let it remain in the bottom of the ocean where it belongs.

***

Dear Anguished! Mermaid is so glad you've come to her! I can tell you are a Feeling person, just like me. I know exactly what it's like to live in a place that has been marred by ugly tragedy. First, on the practical side, you've been given the right advice legally. There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do about the lease, and by your own admission, it is an affordable place to stay. So how do you overcome the knowledge that your landlord is a convicted sex criminal? Well, on a logical note, you can resign yourself to the fact that just about everyone you know has some skeleton in his or her closet ~ you just happen to have been given a long, ugly look at your landlord's. But Mermaid is also of the belief that things happen for a reason ~ and I believe there is a reason You were led to this space.

Mermaid is going to recommend something to you, to help ease your anguish about the space you now inhabit. I am of the opinion that there is residual bad feeling in there, as a result of so many anguished young lives being held against their will. This is manifesting itself within you. You could say the place is haunted. And there are remedies for that.

What you need to do is perform a cleansing ritual of this space. It fairly cries out for it. Those that don't believe in this sort of thing are free to look away while I explain it.

You should obtain three small white candles, and a bundle of sage, which has healing and purifying properties. Most grocery stores carry it these days. You'll want an amount sufficient to fill the space when you make a circle with your forefinger and thumb. Bring it home, and tie a string around the base to hold it together like a bouquet. Hang it in the sunniest window you have ~ an easterly direction is best, but any one will do, as long as it gets plenty of sunshine ~ which dispels darkness. Leave it hang there for one full cycle of the moon. You can look on the internet, and you want to start on the first day of the "new moon". Let the sage hang there, soaking up the sunshine and drying, until the last day before the next new moon. Don't worry if you go over a few days, but it's important to not go under. During this time, you should be choosing some healing words to recite during the ceremony. If you are religious, any words from your faith will do. If you are not, any words that bring you comfort will also be fine. I am not a religious person and I have found the Lord's Prayer is very effective ~ I don't need to believe the words myself ~ but it seems that Things that are beyond us recognize them very well.

On the day or night of your purification ritual (I would pick the time that you seem to feel the most stressed about the place. I'm sure you know what I mean) place the three white candles (that represent the past, the present, and the future) onto a small plate in the centermost area (the heart) of the apartment, and light all three of them. Take the dried sage, and light it also. Most sage extinguishes itself, but if it doesn't just blow it out so that it smolders. With the smoldering sage, walk slowly from the front door, following the right hand wall, all the way through the apartment. As you go through each room, recite your words of comfort. You might want to bring a plate or something to set the sage on, if it begins to burn down too closely. Go slowly and with measure, making sure you can feel each room being cleansed, but pacing yourself. Once you have gone through every room, and are now back at the front door, plunge what is left of the sage into a container of water that you have there for that purpose. Then, walk towards the three candles and first extinguish the one that represents the past, then the present, and leave the one that represents the future to burn itself out.

And with that, the ritual is complete. Doing this will not only help you, it will help all of those poor girls who were trapped there ~ because they may have moved on physically, but their sadness and anguish still reside there. This is what you are feeling. You have a unique opportunity to help them ~ you just don't know it yet. You may never know it or have proof of it, but when you dispel the darkness that resides there, you will be casting it out of their hearts as well, no matter where they are now. Trust Mermaid when she tells you that your spirit will be lighter having completed this ritual also.

***

Hello Frazzled ~ Heavens! It's a wonder you found time to write at all! In answer to your obvious questions ~ no there is no unspoken rule that you must watch your nephews, and no it would not be wrong of you to TELL, not ask, them to find someone else. Do it kindly but firmly with a specific end point in mind ~ say two weeks away ~ to give them time to make other arrangements. Mermaid is of the opinion that it is partially your fault for being in this position, so you have a bit of an obligation and responsibility to end things properly, for the boys' sake if for nothing else.

But Mermaid would like you to ponder how you let yourself get into this situation. Did you quietly volunteer yourself, or did your husband? And exactly where is your husband when his sister's boys are being dropped off? He should be assuming the majority of their care, not you. So ask yourself whether you should be having a little chat with yourself about your inability to say no (which is a problem for many people-pleasers) or your husband, for not recognizing that two children and an infant is quite enough work for anyone.

***

And so ends another week in the Lagoon! Mermaid hopes for all of you that you have the love and happiness you deserve, and that your fondest desires are on the horizon ~ for her, it should be happening Soon, very Soon.

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Doing the Right Thing ~ Even When No One Is Watching

2010-09-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Ones! It has been a rather stormy week here in the Lagoon, with all sorts of changes on the horizon! But for good or for bad, I'm sure we will weather them all. Would you believe that two days ago, it was 103 degrees, and that yesterday it was only 85? And yet ~ Mermaid is still HOT! Ah well, enough of my lame jokes ~ we've got visitors and those visitors have problems ~ which is the perfect combination for Mermaid. We can have a look at their original letters here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2266604/

And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Hello Reluctant Recipient! And congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! And congratulations, too, on the lovely gifts you've already received from family and friends! How fortunate you are ~ and Mermaid does trust that you DO recognize how fortunate you are ~ yes?

And now you have received another gift ~ from your fiancé's former lover ~ and you feel uneasy about accepting it. So don't! Your wording in your letter tells Mermaid everything she needs to know! And yet, you still quibble with doing what you know is the right thing ~ to return the money. Is it because of all those voices telling you you'd be foolish to turn it away? Well, those voices won't have to live with the strings attached to this money, and the constant presence of this woman in you and your husband's and your future as-yet-unborn children's lives, will they? You are right to feel as if she is trying to purchase a bit of your future, since she could not have a part of it on her own with your fiancé. If she gives you a gift with a provisional attachment, it's not really a gift ~ it's a provisional attachment. And even if it was a gift with no strings attached and no demands placed on its use ~ the sheer size of it makes either giving or accepting it inappropriate. And Mermaid thinks you already know that. You must thank her profusely, but tell her that decorum compels you to ask that she instead donate this sum in your name to the children's charity of her choice, and then assure her that any children you have will be taken care of quite well by you and your husband ~ and then make sure you do so.

There is something else you might want to consider. Depending upon the age of your fiancé's former flame, she might be beginning to suffer the first signs of dementia. I'm not saying that someone giving someone they once used to date such an exorbitant amount of money is crazy (much) ~ but Mermaid's conscious would compel her to look out for this woman's interests in a way she seems rather lax about herself.

Mermaid is very proud of you for having a conscience, as well as the first vestigial signs of morals and scruples! And she feels it rather a pity that so few of your land-dwelling brethren have also evolved so. Enjoy your big day, knowing that your future, and your children's future, is still yours and theirs to do with what you wish!

***

Welcome, Disrespected Lady! Now tell Mermaid the truth ~ you just invented a "problem" so you could come visit me here in the Lagoon, didn't you? Well, Mermaid doesn’t mind… she gets that a lot. So, I'll play along, and give your issue the attention it deserves. Can you tell I attempted to say that without even a trace of sarcasm?

It's silly to have this problem. So Mermaid wouldn't have it, not for one hot minute. You have allowed this co-worker to disrespect you long enough. Joking about it has not worked, and in fact, has backfired on you. I do like the advice you've been given about clearing up the misconception that this has been a mutual frolic, and I would advise you to give your co-worker one fair warning. Then, the next time some errant bit of trash lands on your desk, brush it off. The next time some errant bit of trash is thrown on your floor, let it stay there. If your co-worker has a problem with his work not getting done, simply say to him very sweetly that you deal with everything in your in-box in a timely manner and you can't be responsible for anything not in your in-box.

Of course, the cheeky monkey in Mermaid would also be tempted to ask your co-worker if he has *always* had trouble getting it in a lady's box… and that's likely the reason why you don't see very many mermaids working in offices.

***

Hello, My Dear! Mermaid is so glad to have you here ~ and only wishes you could have brought your poor mother for a well-deserved rest! What is happening in our economy has hurt and damaged so many people ~ Mermaid's heart is heavy every day with stories that I never thought I'd live to hear about in all my immortal years.

It warms the cockles of Mermaid's heart to hear that you are concerned about your mother and want to help her, and that you are sensitive to the fact that she may have difficulty asking for, or accepting your help. Like most parents, she may find the idea of taking anything from her children, that she likely still thinks of as "going to school", distasteful. She may be ashamed of her situation, and reluctant to admit that she needs help. How good you are to not assume that her lack of complaint on the matter means she does not!

On a practical note, many people are not aware that some states have a law which compels children to support parents who are unable to work and support themselves. So, in addition to doing the morally right thing, you may also be doing the legally right thing. So kudos on that!

I think you've been given excellent, practical advice on helping your mother look for employment. But, have you considered a bigger sort of fix, for all three of you? Perhaps your mother could relocate closer to you, and the three of you could move in together for a while. This would help all of you financially, and give each of you a live-in support system. Mermaid knows how crucial it is that people not feel as if they could fall through the cracks, especially now, when things are so precarious for us all.

Mermaid feels that what is most important for your mother ~ and for you and your sister ~ is that you keep in constant contact with her. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what. Assure her that you will be her safety net if she should fall on even harder times. She is probably feeling terribly marginalized right now. Reassure her of how important she is to you, and how much you need her in your lives. Mermaid can tell you from personal experience that it is the feeling of being alone in the world that is what makes a person want to leave it.

There will be a special place reserved beside me in the Lagoon, should you all decide to visit me again. Until then, Mermaid holds you in her heart and wishes the best for you ~ and for all of us.

***

Hello, young lady. My goodness! That's an awful lot of "accidental stumbling" that you've done lately! You might want to get that looked at!

All right, all joking aside ~ Mermaid asks you ~ haven't you learned anything about not poking your nose where it doesn’t belong? And it certainly didn't belong wherever it was when you "accidentally stumbled upon" a bottle of pills. I take it from your letter that this is not a room you share with your boyfriend, so you've really got no excuse at all for invading his privacy. And to compound your crime by further sleuthing over something which is none of your beeswax to begin with, is something that Mermaid really finds even more reprehensible.

(Mermaid will share with you a little secret ~ recently she spent several lovely weeks with her gentleman caller. Quite innocently, she stumbled upon something so shocking, that she dare not divulge it here. However, knowing that he had not chosen to share this particular peccadillo with Mermaid on his own, she has kept it to herself, and waits patiently for him to reveal it to her in his own good time. *whistles nonchalantly*)

Mermaid has stringent rules for personal privacy. She does not believe that married persons should open each other's mail, go into each other's purse or wallet without the other person's knowledge, or go anywhere on their spouse's computer that they have not been invited. Mermaid even averts her eyes when her inamorata is online in the same room as her ~ it's none of my business until he chooses to make it so. Therefore, you can imagine the standards that I set for people who are merely dating each other are even higher.

Mermaid does believe that you care about your boyfriend, and may be genuinely concerned with his health. After two years together, surely there is a way to broach the subject without revealing the source. Has he never once mentioned to you going to the doctor? If you really must discover the reason for the pills being in his room, try and be more open and sensitive to the small clues he may be giving you ~ and use them to open a dialogue. Trust Mermaid on this ~ being open and above-board about things will open far more doors than secretly prying them open will ~ and will earn you the kind of trust necessary for a good, healthy relationship.

***

And that's all for this week, Loveys! Things are getting terribly sad and desperate out there with not much relief in sight. Mermaid urges everyone to be kind to each other, and help out wherever and whenever you can.

Many elderly people are having to decide whether to feed themselves or their beloved pets ~ Mermaid thinks it would be a lovely idea to "adopt" such a little family, and help keep them in pet food so they do not have to resort to starving themselves, or turning over their only source of comfort to already overfilled animal shelters.

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Longing, Liars, Leg Ups, and Loss

2010-09-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Ones! The sun shines so brightly on the Lagoon this morning ~ but it's barely a glimmer compared to the glorious night that just passed! But enough of my sly innuendo ~ we've got visitors! And not a moment too soon, it seems. All of them seem to be in need of Mermaid's help, as evidenced here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2265903/

And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Hello, Longing Lady. Oh, you poor thing. I'm so glad you've come to me today. People just don't understand, do they? Mermaid does.

Mermaid was lucky enough to have one child, but that was not enough for me. I would have liked to have more, and I've known that for a long time. So I understand the longing that does not ever go away, and as difficult as it has been for me, I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who was not lucky enough to have a child at all to suddenly find themselves wanting one! I also planned never to have children when I was younger, and found myself feeling very differently later on ~ so I also understand how it feels to have your own body, mind, and emotions betray you, and leave you in a position you never thought you'd find yourself in, after you'd already made plans in another direction.

I'm going to give you some practical advice first. Have you been to a doctor? You say you are "at the end of your reproductive years", so it's highly possible that these longings that have suddenly manifested are the result of natural hormonal changes. They can wreak havoc on a woman's body and psyche and turn that biological clock ticking into a sledgehammer inside your head. I would urge you to get a complete physical and have a talk with a trusted physician, who would be able to help you with a course of hormone therapy. I also think you could benefit from some talk therapy with a counselor who can help you deal with this new stage of your life.

Mermaid cannot glean from your letter if you have actually spoken to your husband about this. Is it possible that you are assuming that he is still "dead-set against it" because of his previous stance on the issue, and his vasectomy? Are you afraid to open that Pandora's Box, for fear he will absolutely refuse, thereby leaving a bone of contention between you in your otherwise happy lives? If so, then it's this fear you should be examining.

There is just no easy answer for this, and it breaks Mermaid's heart that she can't give you one. You've been given good advice about how to extrapolate your fantasies into reality ~ what are the odds that you will meet, fall in love with, and marry someone who wants to have children with you in time to have them? I know that you don't really want the bleak future of raising a child on your own, I can tell from your letter. So, you are stuck with either an uncertain future, or the situation you've entered into, for which it seems that your only course of action (after seeing a physician) is to learn how to live with it, and still fill that aching hole in your heart.

What Mermaid knows for certain is that there are more children in this world than love to give them. While you are waiting for your grandchildren to be born, would you and your husband consider foster parenting, for a long or short-term basis? Many elementary schools are hungry for volunteers, especially with the lower grades. Personally, Mermaid has always coveted the title of "Library Lady", and will consider it a grand achievement in her life when she has the opportunity to read "Elizabite" to a group of rapt preschoolers. There are children by the score out there, just waiting for someone like you to make a difference in their life, and Mermaid feels it would be a bit of a shame if you spent so much time focusing on an imaginary child that you fail to see the opportunities to help the ones already here and in need.

I know all these suggestions are not what you want to hear right now, and may even feel like salt in your wounds, because you are not in a frame of mind to accept them, and Mermaid understands that. But I would urge you to begin turning the immense amount of love and sympathy you are having for yourself right now, outward onto others. By your own admission, you are blessed with a wonderful life. Focus on that, and the love you have for your husband and children who are already here, and try to channel all these feelings you are having into helping someone else ~ who really needs you ~ to have a wonderful life, too.

You will come back to the Lagoon and let me know how it worked out for you, won't you? Mermaid will be thinking about you and holding you in her heart until you do.

***

Hello, Young Graduate! (I say "young", not because I assume all students are young, but let's face it ~ I'm immortal, so even your great-grandma's great-grandma is a mere babe in the woods compared to me…)

Mermaid's first thought was that this was a test from your professor! What an ethical dilemma! Will you report the plagiarism, or will you remain silent? Mermaid has the feeling that it's more than the quality of your paper that is being looked at here…

Of course you must tell. It might not have been your business before, but now that you have been given this thesis as the basis for which you should prepare your own, you must call attention to the discrepancy. It will only reflect badly upon you if you don't. Ask yourself what would happen if next semester this professor were to give the same thesis paper to another student as an example ~ and that student reported the plagiarism to the professor, while you hadn't. Now do you see why it's your business?

But please ~ try to be kind. If this is not your professor's doing, what you have found out will likely be devastating for the former student who wrote it. You will try to keep that thought in mind and set your tone accordingly when you meet with your professor, won't you?

Oh ~ and congratulations on finishing your master's thesis! I know what a grand achievement that is, and Mermaid couldn't be happier for you!

***

Hello, Professional Parent! Kudos on having a close relationship with your grown child in both life and work! But ~ my goodness! What's all the fuss about? Unless you've left out some detail, your colleague sounds like a not-very-nice-person! Perhaps he/she is jealous and resentful that when they were starting out in this same business, they did not have anyone to mentor them when they were young? Perhaps your colleague is jealous of the easy time your daughter seems to be having of it compared to him or her? Have you had the habit of talking in overly-glowing terms about your overly-glowingly-talented daughter and people resent it? Mermaid cannot fathom why this person would possibly care enough about this situation to become "incensed" by it. I'll dispense with the advice that this is not a person in whom you should continue to confide the conversations you have with your daughter, because I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to have already realized that on your own.

If everything you've outlined is exactly what happened, then the answer to your question is ~ NO, of course you and your daughter didn't do anything wrong. It's not wrong for a young person in a profession to call a trusted mentor, as long as that's all it was. But you and I both know how hard it can be to separate the parent that wants to help from the professional that wants to raise up other professionals.

Mermaid is going to advise, from both a parenting point of view, and a professional point of view, that you have a talk with your daughter and set some limits on how many times (say, per week or month) she is allowed to call you for professional advice. I would set these limits with an intern or someone I was mentoring, and as a parent, it would be a good idea to set them too. I think you'll find that if she has only a certain number of "tokens in the bank", so to speak, she'll think twice about picking up the phone to use them so quickly, and in this manner, her professional wings will begin to grow and take flight on their own.

***

Hello, My Dear. May I give you a hug? Mermaid offers you her deepest condolences on the passing of your dear husband. I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible blow this has been for you and your children! It pains me to hear that your loss is being further compounded by the hurtful actions of your family.

It's hard for Mermaid to tell you what to do, because I've been given precious little back-story. Did you have an amicable relationship with your in-laws before this, or have things always been strained? I don't mean to judge you when I ask you ~ is there some particular reason your in-laws weren't consulted as to things like the pallbearers and your husband's headstone? The way you phrase "my decisions" it almost seems as if you did not speak to your husband's family about what they might have wanted. I can understand that ~ the need to keep all of your Beloved close to you ~ and I say this not as a reproach ~ but can you understand that you might have compounded your in-laws' feelings of loss by shutting them out of some of the last things they could ever do for their child?

I would urge you to look at things from your in-laws perspective for just a moment. A child is always your child ~ and they have lost theirs, and at a devastatingly young age. Then to have someone else be in charge of deciding if an autopsy should be performed, deciding on who would lay him to rest, deciding his grave marker. I know it's not right, but sometimes the human heart cannot help but feel things so viscerally that it wipes out all reason. Of course you cannot cater to your in-laws, nor allow them to hurt you ~ but you will try to have a little compassion for their loss, won't you?

Now, having said that, I will also say that I admire you for wanting to maintain a relationship with your in-laws, in light of their recent actions, especially for your children's sake. You've been given good advice about a third-party intermediary, given the tender feelings of all involved, and about support groups for you and your children. I would advise further, however, that for a while, future visits with the grandparents are monitored in your presence, or that of someone you trust, to make sure there are no lingering words or deeds or innuendo of resentment levied towards you, their daughter-in-law, over the passing of their son.

Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the very best for you and your children for a happy future. And the next time you visit the Lagoon, you will bring the little ones, won't you? (In case you haven't heard ~ Mermaid loves children!)

***

Well, that's it for this week, Loveys! You know ~ school is back in session, which is a reminder that Fall is just around the corner, with Winter fast on its heels. With that in mind, Mermaid would like to urge everyone to think about donating their children's outgrown coats and sweaters to their local elementary school. Most have, or are happy to implement, a program that provides warm outerwear to students that might otherwise go without during the cold months of the year. Mermaid would send you a great big hug and kiss if you do!

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Assaults of the Body and Spirit...

2010-08-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

Greetings Dear Friends! The sun seems to have risen particularly early and bright in the Lagoon this morning ~ and with it, Mermaid's spirits! I ask you ~ is there anything more wonderful than having someone with the patience to understand you when you're having trouble understanding yourself?

Speaking of understanding ~ the Lagoon seems to be filled this morning with people seeking just that. We can read their original letters here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2265082/

And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Hello, my dear. Mermaid is terribly distressed to hear of your situation, for everyone involved. First let me start out by telling you that, unfortunately, yours is not unique. Men don't get hit less than women ~ they are simply more inclined to hide it when it happens.

If you were sitting in front of me in my office, I would first ask you to write down and document the previous incident of domestic violence. Should it ever happen again, this will be instrumental in helping to prove that this is an ongoing situation which is precipitated by your wife. Please understand that I am trained to think of the worst-possible scenario and plan accordingly. Hopefully, you need never use it, but if the issue of your child's custody and well being ever comes up, you will be glad you had it.

I fear there is much more to your situation than Mermaid can help you with in one visit to the Lagoon. In addition to having your wife evaluated for post-partum depression, I think a counselor is in order for the both of you, and each separately. Your wife needs help to understand where her insecurities stem from, and you need help understanding why you were attracted to such a person in the first place. I would urge you to seek both immediately before outside forces compel it.

The best advice I can give you right now is to be prepared, and be proactive. Keep a baby bag in your car at all times (or with a trusted person) and an overnight bag for yourself. Should the situation begin to look like it's escalating at your house, try and remove yourself and the baby to a safe location. I must warn you that this will likely make her lose control (taking the baby) but you must remember that the child is as much yours as hers, and you cannot remove yourself and leave this helpless child to the mercy of an angry woman who has lost her one outlet (you). If the situation escalates over the removal of the child, get away from her as fast and calmly as you can, and walk out to the front yard and call the police. When they arrive, explain the situation. You must be prepared for your wife to go to jail, although if there has been no physical violence, they will likely advise one of you to simply leave for the night.

Here is where it is tricky ~ Mermaid would strongly urge you to insist that your wife be the one to leave for the night. It would be very easy for her to manipulate this situation into a "battered wife" scenario and call an attorney while you're out of the house to initiate a kick-out order based on you "having to be removed" by the police. I have seen this happen more than once, and once the label of "abuser" is heaped upon a person, it's very hard to remove. Don't put yourself in the position of being seen as the bad guy, or you'll have a hard time changing that perception. Do not allow yourself to be "shamed" by the police into leaving. Remain calm in the face of your wife's hysteria. Stand your ground, stay in your house, and protect your child. Mermaid will be thinking of you, and wishing the best for all of you.

***

Ah, my Little Turtle Lover ~ Personally, Mermaid thinks it's rather perverse that he won't say "I love you." I know people will say "it's the thought that counts" and "look at the way he treats you, not what he says", and while that's true to a certain extent, this is very like the argument we had about the man who would not buy his girlfriend flowers even though she expressed that it's the *one thing* she'd really love most of all. I think there's something wrong with a person who would hold out on the *one thing* that would make their SO happy ~ but that's just Mermaid, not understanding what would make a person not absolutely *jump* at the chance to make their SO happy. 

***

Ah, my little Freshman! Welcome to high school ~ aren't you excited? Mermaid certainly would be if she were in your shoes ~ mostly because it would mean I'm a hell of a lot younger than I really am now and probably wearing damn cute shoes!

Your question is ~ should you tell your parents. Well, the short answer is "yes" you should. How you bring it up is with the careful documentation that should be easy to a budding novelist such as yourself. Print out everything you've found on Asperger's, and write down all the incidents in your past where you think your condition came into play. (For instance, all the times you didn't recognize sarcasm.) This will help your parents understand and relate this condition to you.

You must be prepared for the fact that they might brush you off out of fear or misunderstanding (and I think you are.) You'll be happy to know that your school should be able to help you with your concerns. Talk to the nurse or your guidance counselor about what you've found out. There may be treatment options available that need not even involve your parents or require their permission. For example, my home life was so bad that during my Senior year, my school allowed me to fulfill my requirement for psychology class by seeing the school psychologist every day for an hour, to help me learn coping skills to deal with it ~ and my mother never even knew about it! The point is, in a few years you will be responsible for your own well-being ~ it's time to take that responsibility right now!

***

Oh, my heavens! My condolences on the loss of your uncles! And further condolences for the rift caused by your treatment of their passing…

Are you really a bad person? No, Mermaid doesn't think so. A little insensitive perhaps, but not bad. It's hard to say exactly, not knowing how close you were to these uncles. Only you know that ~ so only you know the depth to which you must dive to redeem yourself.

My advice to you would be an immediate showering of mea culpas upon your family. Even if you don't really think you did anything wrong, you must act as if you do! Your family will want to see regret and an admission of insensitivity ~ which luckily you seem to have. You have been given good advice about making amends ~ now go do it! (Though you might want to wait until your tan fades a little before any personal visits...)

***

Aren't you sweet? Come here so Mermaid can give you a big hug! I think it's very nice that you want to help this older gentleman ~ the world could use more people like you!

But the advice you've been given is right! What happens when you leave this temporary position? You should go to your supervisor and explain the situation. It may be that the man is truly eccentric and just enjoys having pretty young things bring him groceries. It may be that he's lonely and enjoys the regular interaction. It may be that he's truly handicapped and needs the help. Whatever it is ~ Mermaid is delighted that you want to be of assistance. Now let's just make sure it's real, ongoing help that he receives and not just a bandage on a situation that needs more acute care.

And if you still feel like picking him up the occasional bag of fruit or loaf of bread at the store if you happen to be there, Mermaid thinks that would be a lovely and kind gesture also.

***

I declare ~ it's been a scorcher here in the Lagoon lately! Would you believe my local weather called for temperatures of 113 degrees? This sort of thing makes Mermaid rather nervous ~ as the line between bathwater and poaching water becomes dangerously blurred! I shall have to dive deep and dark where it's cooler until it passes ~ but not to worry! ~ there's always a lot of fun to be had whenever Mermaid goes down!

And so, until nest week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On knowing when to feel guilty, and when to let it go.

2010-08-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Friends! How lovely it is to be with you again, here in the Lagoon! Mermaid does hope you'll forgive her for the fey creature she is. Being in one place ~ even as beautiful a place as our Lagoon ~ is sometimes too much for one born to ride the currents and move with the tides. I do hope you've all been getting up to an appropriate level of mischief while I've been gone! I see we have some newcomers this week ~ let's first take a look at the originals here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2264417/

And then, let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Hello, Youngster! You are so hidden in the kelp bed, Mermaid can't tell if you are a boy or a girl ~ not that it matters. Oh well! First of all, I'm very sorry about what happened to you when you were little, and sorry that it continues to trouble you. Prudie gave you accurate practical advice as far as trying to rectify this through the legal system. It's highly unlikely you'll find out anything at all, even if there is something to find. I don't believe you will find anything, because I don't believe anything happened of a prosecutorial nature, or you would have remembered more about it than you do. It's likely that at age 6 you would have been expected to testify against this man, or at least give a taped deposition. If you don't remember anything past making a statement to your dad or some police officers, it's not likely that the man could have been convicted of anything. My guess is that this didn't go past a police report and your dad making a few phone calls in your presence that sounded very portentous to you at the time. Forget about it, honestly. Mermaid would tell you if there is something to worry about, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't.

Since I'd advise you to skip over the investigation part of this and get right to balancing out the wheel of karma (which Mermaid thinks is very important, especially for you) I can't get behind Prudie's advice on how to carry out said investigation, but her comment does lead me to another aspect of your situation that troubles me, maybe more than what you think your real problem is. Prudie advises you to go to your father first ~ and actually I think this is where the real problem is. I don't know if you're in contact with your dad, but Prudie seems to think you might be (I won't judge you on that, but Mermaid wouldn't be talking to a former violent alcoholic who so terrified her she felt cornered into doing something desperate as a little girl, no way, no how) but I wouldn't advise involving him at all in your search. Former alcoholics aren't very good at going over details of the past, especially about things that distressed them at the time, and it's likely your dad "won't remember" ~ and there you'll be stuck ~ with something else your Dad Can't Help You With.

Don't get into another situation with him where you go to him for something and he lets you down ~ as he certainly will. The little girl in you has to stop seeking out the same patterns because you find them comforting in their own familiarity. This could easily become an obsession for you, this "quest for justice", but please don't let it. Mermaid would advise you to immediately drop the investigation aspect of your quest, and focus on what good you can put into the world to make up for the bad you feel you've put into it. You've been given good advice on this, too (although personally, if you don't feel entirely comfortable around the mentally challenged after your experience, it's better to let people help them that genuinely do. It's nice that you'd want to help, but don't use them for your aversion therapy. It's okay.) I suggest volunteering with children at the age you were when this happened to you, so you'll develop a more accurate idea of just what a child that age is capable of ~ and what they are not.
And take it from someone who has been there and who knows ~ it never quite happened the way you remember it did.

***

Hello, my little office bee! So, you have a yucky relative who wants to come work where you do, huh? Do you know what your company's policy is on this? Some companies have the policy of not hiring people who are related, and Mermaid believes this is a good idea. Relatives working together, in my experience, sets up an unhealthy power balance, with the company on the losing side. If the parties in question get along, there is always the shadow of collusion, and if they don't get along, well, it's like Thanksgiving at the Bickersons all the time. I'm not sure she could cost you your job if she came aboard, but I do know that the stress on you might affect your performance, and you can't take that risk. In this case, you can't let the fact that you are unfortunately related to this person hold you back from reporting what you know about them as an employee and potential team member. I have no doubt that any nay vote by you, such a valued employee, will be all that your employers need to make their determination. And no, Mermaid does not think this makes you a bad person. As evidenced by the fact that you have already distanced yourself from this person in your personal life ~ it makes you a person with a healthy sense of self-preservation that you would do the same in your professional life as well.

***

O Great Neptune's Trident! Mermaid saw you paddling in and all I wanted to do was put my fingers in my ears and sing "la-la-la-la-la-la-la…" because if I have to hear one more pitiable young thing say the dreaded (and probably copyrighted by now) "he's perfect in every way BUT…" I swear that Mermaid will start towing you all out to sea and dropping you off at The Island of Misfit Girls, where you can all sit around and think of new excuses to make for the abusers in your life, because you all must be running out of fresh ones by now!

Look, Mermaid has had a rough couple of months. I guess you've heard we had a little mess down here? So, it's made me a little raw lately ~ and not in a good way like sushi. And frankly, I'm tired of having my good advice disregarded like so much flotsam and jetsam, instead of passed around like the jewels they are. So let me just try and explain to you, patiently, that any scenario where you find yourself uttering the words "boyfriend" and "vicious" in the same sentence is a scenario you should leave as soon as possible. Without leaving a forwarding address. But you won't. You'll think it's cute that he's so possessive, and you'll think it means he loves you. But you know the truth is he'd think less of you (if that's possible) if he knew ~ which is why you lied. This is not someone who is going to make a good husband for you, so it's cool if you want to keep dating him with that in mind. Just remember that unless you can let someone see your authentic self, and Know that is what he loves you for, you will never have the true love you seek with someone.

Mermaid advises you to tell him the truth. Not because he deserves to know and not because you are afraid he'll find out anyway. I want you to tell him because I want you to see his reaction BEFORE you marry him ~ while you still have time to chart a different course.

***

Ah, I see we've saved the best for last. Well, Little Mother, I think you've certainly come to the right place ~ you'll not get slapped around unduly here, because Mermaid has been in your shoes. I was a single mom with a little boy, all on my own, and I made a lot of mistakes, too. And it wasn't because I didn't love my baby! Completely the opposite ~ I was completely besotted with him, and so enchanted that I barely set him down the first year of his life. But I'm sure I did some things incorrectly, because I just didn't have anyone to help me, and I didn't know any better about some things.

For example, did you know that babies need to have water? I didn't! I nursed my son until he was a year old and he never had anything but milk of mermaid to sustain him! I didn't find out until years later that babies should be given supplemental water ~ can you imagine how awful I felt?! And I'd read books (lotsandlotsandlots of books!) but somehow, I'd missed that! So, everyone has something they could learn about being a parent. The thing is, though ~ you have to WANT to be a parent. And I'm not sure that you do right now.

How old were you when you had your son, honey? Because you sound awfully young. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it does complicate things if you feel you are missing out on your youth. I'm assuming that you have your little boy every other weekend? Well, my son's father had a job that kept him from him for months at a time ~ I had him every single weekend, in addition to every other day. And night. I had no friends who could watch him, nor any family. Try having a social life with that! So, I didn't for a while. And you know what? I lived right through it. I'm not trying to say I'm a superior specimen to you, I'm simply saying it can be done. But don't you worry ~ Mermaid had enough understanding gentlemen callers in her Lagoon from dusk til dawn that I never really felt lacking for anything ~ so she's sure you'll also do just fine with 26 days and nights of the month that are yours to do with what you choose.

Those other four days of the month are for your son, and if you can't start making him feel like you treasure those four days a month as much as you treasure your nights with your boyfriend, your son will stop wanting to come and see you. I'm telling you this as someone who has seen this happen many, many times, from both genders. I further predict that, if that happens, you will blame your son's father, and say he is "turning the child against you" when your son doesn't want to come to your place, and then you'll blame the courts when your ex takes you back to court for more custody and less child support because the boy is with him 100% of the time now. I'd hate to see that happen to you, but I fear your fate is sealed unless you mend your sails quickly.

There is no way to infuse someone with a mothering spirit, so it would be useless to tell you to make your child a priority. If you had it within you, you would already have done so. It would have been instinctive. Your son's dad sounds pretty reasonable ~ most men I know would have just taken you to court already. He sounds like someone you could work with. Maybe you should be having a heart-to-heart with him about having your son once a month for a while, and then working your way up to two times, if having him there for half your weekends is too much for you. You two can agree on any arrangement you want, you know, whatever works for the three of you (and I don't mean your boyfriend!) There's no crime in not being ready to be a mother ~ the crime comes in making your child suffer because you're not.

***

Well, that's all of it for this week, Dear Ones! Mermaid wishes she were in better spirits this week ~ but there are dark clouds over Mermaid's Lagoon that echo the sadness in her heart. It seems that I have returned to find my beloved Submariner and his crew missing ~ and a lonely orange light burning in the window to signal his absence. But never fear! I shall keep my spy-glass handy to scan the horizon for his happy return ~ and in the meantime ~ I send out a siren song to bring the Captain back to the Lagoon where he belongs!

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On the pollution sometimes spewed by mortals into the same waters they swim in... in other words, crapping in your own pool, folks.

2010-06-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Friends!

My goodness but the tides seem to have blown in quite a bit of flotsam this week ~ could it have anything to do with the massive spew of pollution off the coast, and the ensuing devastation of our ocean mother that we've all been forced to helplessly witness, and that has Mermaid in a state of mourning? Surely there could be no other explanation for the some of the ugliness found floating in our Lagoon today!

First, let's have a look at the original letters here:

http://fray.slate.com/id/2065896/view/2116427/

And then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Salutations, young litigator! I think it only fair to warn you that Mermaid just passed her 22nd anniversary (in mortal years) of working with and for attorneys. So, as you might imagine, I know a thing or two about them, least of which is that they do masturbate, and sometimes in their office. This is what private offices, a lot of stress and many hours away from home and loved ones will engender. And that's the mild stuff. I've learned over the years that attorneys do lots of things for which a gentle and trusty assistant ~ who knows when and when not to mind her own goddam business ~ can be most helpful in pointing out the error of their ways. Most recently, one of my bosses had the habit of returning phone calls to clients on his cellular phone whilst sitting on the commode. He said it gave him "private time to think". I told him it gave the person on the other end plenty to think about also, and to visualize ~ and none of it good for the attorney.

Before I give you my advice which basically consists of MYOFB, I'll tell you a story about what being "95% sure" of something will get you (which is mostly a "not guilty by reasonable doubt" verdict).

One of my bosses, a male attorney, was due in court one morning and didn't notice until he'd left the house that his trousers had a tear right in the bottom of the seat. I offered to mend it for him, but he didn't want to be late for court, so he borrowed from this gentle and trusty assistant a small sewing kit, and left for the courthouse. When he arrived there, early enough, he sat in the front seat of the car in the parking lot and attempted to mend the hole himself, by pulling his pants down just enough to get access to the tear, without removing them completely.

We surmise that he was spied by some workers in the high-rise next to the courthouse, concentrating overly long on his crotchular area, because he was soon surrounded by several police squad cars, who demanded that he exit his vehicle. He's a good citizen otherwise, and tried to comply, but you see ~ he'd accidentally stitched his pants to the fabric seat of the car and couldn't move! Now for my advice…

Mermaid is rather upset with you. Is it my imagination, or did you threaten BLACKMAIL of your boss? That's what I would call it when someone points out that "he's not the person who makes the pay decisions so it is not as though I can leverage this in any lucrative way." This, in combination with your greatly mistaken notion that this minor incident involving your boss is worthy of the brain-fart you've expelled on it, means Mermaid is fairly disgusted with you. You are the lowest of lowly creatures, a belly-scraping snake, void of scruples, tact, humility, and humanity ~ and as such, will no doubt make a fine attorney.

***

Ah, hello young mother. Your dilemma strikes a chord with Mermaid, because I am also the mother of a son who used to be 15, and his father and I divorced when he was very small. Thank goodness we've always had a very good relationship, though, and I never had to experience what you've had to with your ex-husband, although in my aforementioned line of work, I see it quite frequently. As an aside, your attorney should be able to help you with the parental alienation aspect of your situation, which is considered child abuse by your ex-spouse. I encourage you to go to his office and speak to him or her. Just make sure you knock first, please.

My initial reaction to your letter was one of dismay ~ why would your son automatically believe his father without even a discussion with you? Mermaid cannot picture a son doing this to his mother without some sort of pre-existing difficulty between the two of you, some sort of break in your relationship that's previously occurred. I hope I'm wrong in this, but the way your son simply accepted this at face value indicates a situation for which counseling for the two of you should have been the first remedy prescribed.

There is a way to circumnavigate the fact that you want to let your son know what you know without letting him know how you came to know. I would raise the subject with him by pointing out that his behavior was different after his last visit with his father ~ and let him know you have some concerns about what his father may have said to him ~ as he's threatened to do in the past. You don't have to let him know that the information is new to you via him via your snooping ~ you can lead him to believe that you've heard these things spouted from his father as soon as the split came and the order for child support followed it. It's common enough. This can open up the dialogue that you badly need to have with your son, and it's important enough that Mermaid will not trouble herself with this little subterfuge if it achieves this goal.

I'm not in favor of snooping ~ but that's easily said by a mother whose child never needed snooping on. The fact is ~ you could have guessed these things without having read your son's private writings ~ they only confirmed for you what you already suspected ~ that your ex is badmouthing you.

After the door has been opened, it's important that you keep your foot in it to prevent it closing again. Your son is at an age when he naturally wants to start separating from you ~ you just don't want your ex-husband's filthy ravings to be the springboard from which he does it.

***

Welcome, young one. My condolences on the loss of your friend, and my sympathy for your own injuries in the accident. My goodness, but your letter has certainly stirred up some interesting speculation ~ mostly from Mermaid, I'll admit.

The first interesting thing of note is that one cannot tell if you are a male or female ~ not that it makes a difference, it's simply interesting. The second interesting thing is some of your phraseology ~ the way you point out how close you were to this friend and then ask if you are "entitled" to go through her things ~ makes me think that you believe you are ~ entitled ~ for perhaps a deeper reason than you cared to go into. Again, not that it makes any difference in my advice, it's simply interesting.

In answer to your question ~ No, you are not "entitled" to go through her things. Only her heirs are.

What confuses me about your situation is why you have not approached her parents before this ~ or they have not approached you. If I were in their situation, I would have wanted to know everything about my child's last moments on earth ~ and you would be the only source for that. Did you know her parents? Did they come to see you in the hospital? Did you attend her funeral? As it's difficult to know the relationship between you and her parents, I will assume there is none. As such, it would not be inappropriate for you to approach her parents (indeed, in Mermaid's humble opinion, NOT approaching her parents would be inappropriate) to talk about your mutual loss. Try very hard not to do so with the retrieval of her belongings being uppermost in your mind. It has been my personal experience that her parents will eventually want to see that the things they don't keep for themselves go to people that will love and treasure them but it may take a very long time for them to get to that point. It would be appropriate for you to tell her parents anecdotally about where this trinket came from, or how this gift came to pass between you two. It would also be appropriate for you to wait to be offered these things. To you, they are trinkets, mementos, and lent possessions. To them ~ they embody their daughter. They may not be ready to turn these items over to you right away, but the day will come, and the tides will turn, when they are ready to do so ~ and then they will know who to give them to. Mermaid wishes you the best in your continued recovery, and encourages you to linger as long as you like in the healing waters of the Lagoon.

***

Greetings, dear lady! While Mermaid sympathizes with the desire of you and your husband not to constantly "fool" people each time you walk out the door ~ you must remember that you are not deceiving these people ~ they are deceiving themselves. You cannot help that they jump to conclusions and it's not your job to disavow them of their illusions. Your husband can accept all those hugs and thanks for service exactly at face value as they are offered. And Prudie was right ~ he needn't feel compelled to detail how he lost his leg ~ he could think of it as his little good deed for the day if he allows people to believe they brightened the day of a vet who lost his leg in service to our country. (It might take the shine off it for them otherwise. Mermaid doesn't believe in dimming anyone's shine if she can help it.)

Mermaid also thinks that it is a very sad state of affairs if a person can see another person of approximately the right sex and age and assume their physical condition came about as a result of this war. That means there are far too many of them ~ although Mermaid would also point out to herself that even one is one too many.

***

Well, that's it for this week, Dear Friends! Mermaid is in her last two weeks of class for the semester and, following that, hopes to return with more frequent regularity to the waters of our fair Lagoon. For one thing ~ I've missed you all dreadfully! For another thing, there's a certain lonely sea Captain and his crew that Mermaid has been away from for far too long… anyone for a game of Marco Polo? How about Strip Marco Polo? As you can see, Mermaid already has quite a head start… ;)

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Vicious Cycles of the Mind and Spirit

2010-04-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Friends! And a fine, fine day it is in the Lagoon! Would you believe Mermaid narrowly missed snow last night? To be sure, on my travels home last night there were flurries abundant, but they did not stick, and when Mermaid awoke this morning, everything smelled clean and fresh ~ the Earth was newly washed.

How wonderful it would be if the mortals of your world could wake so easily cleansed and renewed. But then ~ if they could ~ what would be left for Mermaid to do all day? That conundrum has never been more apparent than this week ~ it appears that all of my visitors share the same quality of being trapped in their own ugly thoughts and/or deeds. Before Mermaid renders her particular brand of aid, let's have a look at their original letters here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2251570/

And then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Hello, Young One! First, Mermaid must warn you that I'm much MUCH older than I look. In fact, I am immortal, which means I've seen many things over many lifetimes. It always especially tickles me to deal with young people and realize I have undergarments that are older than they are ~ so thank you for that.
I'm going to be serious with you, and I'm going to give you serious advice. I don't expect you to take it now ~ your kind never does ~ but rather, print it out, tuck it away, and someday when you're at the advanced age of *horrors!* over 30, and you are sitting alone, friendless, jobless, and without many prospects left, you'll pull this paper out and therein solve the mystery of how your life went so terribly wrong.
The first thing you need to know is ~ people are not going to set you straight because you are the type of person that no one wants to help. You present as very self-centered, rude, mean, condescending, manipulative, underhanded, and conniving ~ among other things ~ and people want to see people like yourself take a fall and disappear rather than improve. You may think people are on your side when you display various of your antics ~ but they are only too kind to tell you what they think (in other words ~ they are not like YOU) and are keeping you at arm's distance while pretending to agree with you because they sense what a nasty cat you are underneath ~ and they don't want your claws turned on them.
You make the mistake Mermaid has seen a few times ~ you enter a job and treat it as an extension of high school ~ your own personal playground and social outlet. You'll skip around all day wreaking havoc, thinking you're cute and charming and everyone loves you ~ and ignoring all those old fuddy-duddies that roll their eyes in irritation and can't wait for you to be on to the next cubicle so they can get back to the real world concerns of trying to earn a paycheck and keep a roof over their family's head.
As to your present "problem" ~ it's glaringly obvious that you're green with envy at the position held by your superior (and yes she is ~ in so many ways) and instead of trying to learn a few things from her so you might earn being where she is in due time ~ you set about badmouthing her and instigating rude pranks against her in an effort to take her down. I'd like to ask you something honestly ~ are you dumb? I mean that very seriously ~ are you one of these people that are really not very bright and only got where she is by manipulating some underling into doing her homework? Or one who goes around causing as much mayhem and upheaval as possible and hopes to emerge victorious when the dust settles? Because you strike me as someone without very clear powers of reasoning and projection. Mermaid cannot fathom how you think your actions are going to play out favorably for the long haul. Do you honestly picture some great uprising by radio listeners as they descend upon the station with pitchforks and torches to slay the decrepit old beast and crown you their new Queen? (Or Princess ~ yes, let's make that a Princess for sure!)
Mermaid holds much pity for you, she really does. I see a very sad life for you if you don't mend your ways ~ most of it being spent blaming other people for blackballing you out of your chosen industry by being jealous of you and resenting your youth and beauty. Notice I never mentioned "talent" ~ because I doubt that it will ever cross your mind that you should work on that as an asset.

***

Oh, my poor Dear. Mermaid is heartbroken to hear of the trauma you've suffered ~ and continue to suffer. It must have been a terrible shock to witness such an accident. You are lucky that you weren't injured or killed yourself! I'd like to find that insulting, insensitive, and cruel bystander and give him a piece of my mind for the hurt he's caused you ~ he should be ashamed of himself.
I can sympathize greatly with what you've been through. Once when Mermaid was a child, she was traveling in a car with her family and witnessed the car directly in front of them inexplicably crash through the railing and fly off the freeway off-ramp into the darkened sky. Shocked and horrified, my father could barely keep control of our own car, he was so badly shaken, and we pulled off as soon as we could to call the authorities. We never found out what happened exactly, but to this day, Mermaid has near panic attacks when driving over similar high off-ramps and will often re-route her whole trip to avoid them. I understand how events like this don't ever really go away, even with help.
Mermaid would like to examine with you why you feel so guilty ~ do you think you could have done something more when the driver of the car tried to "squeeze back in between you and the bus"? Is that where it starts to fall apart for you? Do you torture yourself with thinking that if you'd just sped up a little (I'm assuming you were the lead vehicle) that the driver would have had time to dart back in to safety? Are you thinking subconsciously that you knew you should have pulled over and let faster cars be on their way ~ and you didn't?
Look ~ Mermaid could easily get all mystical on you and talk to you about Fate and when a person's Time is really up ~ but the truth is very simple and much more down-to-earth ~ this young woman made a series of very foolish choices that day, and had likely made them on other days as well, and this day her luck simply ran out ~ and you were the unfortunate witness to it ~ and others were the unfortunate victims.
I know you have heard these words before, likely from your husband and your therapist ~ and the fact that they have had no impact on you and you have not healed means that you need further ~ and deeper ~ help. You were involved in this accident also, and it has injured your psyche. You have internalized this trauma and if you don't get help, it will begin to affect your health. Prudie was right in advising you to seek a therapist that specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder to help you break the vicious cycle, which has now become biochemical, of replaying the horrible incident over and over in your mind. Your present therapist appears unable to do that. You may need some medication to get you over the hump, perhaps hypnotherapy, perhaps some biofeedback ~ perhaps a course of all three treatments plus talk therapy. What you cannot do is give up and allow this young woman's foolish choices to destroy another life besides her own.
Mermaid holds you in her heart until next we meet, and hopes fervently that when we do, this terrible cloud of guilt, and blame, which was not of your making, has been lifted from you.

***

Welcome, Delicate One! You'll forgive Mermaid for a bad case of the giggles ~ I'm picturing all the fun my beloved Submariner is going to have with your situation over on his side of our fair Lagoon. Far be it from me to attempt to out-snark the expert, but I just have to point out that I'm sure there's a very good reason that you weren’t asked to go to the party everyone else went to ~ and that reason is, my little flower, that YOU ARE A TOTAL DRAG.
Two lessons are to be learned here ~ the first is that furniture is never as important as feelings. You saw two people in the midst of making love and all you could think about was the fabric underneath them? Are you one of those that lie there when it's your turn and contemplates the new ceiling color? Or thinks of England? The only rude person in that room that fateful night was the person who interrupted two people in flagrante and had the disgusting nerve to comment on it. Charming.
The second lesson to be learned is ~ people have sex on their furniture. Especially people in your age bracket. You can be sure that each time you have been a guest in one of your friends' homes, you have sat upon, been served food on, or done your laundry in, an item that has had sex consummated upon it. Do you drive a used car? Sexed in! Been to the movies? Sexed in! Taken a walk on the beach? Sexed on! Visited Mermaid's Lagoon? Mind the wet spot! Okay, I think you get the picture.
Oh, and by the way… the younger sister of your boyfriend's close friend? The one who got invited to the party you didn't attend? The one the boys like? You are jealous of her. And it shows. As for worrying how you should act around these people if you ever see them again, I wouldn't. Worry about it, I mean. Mermaid has a feeling that, unless you dislodge that major stick you have up your butt, you'll have your entire house all to yourself before long. To that end, I highly encourage you to post a message on her brother's Facebook page and thereby cement your status as Judgmental Bitch of the Year.

***

It's lovely to see you, Dear Lady! Now, if only Mermaid was as glad to hear about your problem. I sometimes wonder why mortals bother getting married at all if they truly don't enjoy their partner. And by enjoy ~ I don't mean enjoying everything in tandem as if you are two oxen yoked together ~ but rather, enjoy the pleasure and reactions your beloved displays for things that make them happy. Mermaid must ask you ~ don't you take any pleasure at all in your husband's pleasure even if there's nothing directly in it for you? Or must it be about you all the time for you to be happy? That strikes Mermaid as an exceedingly selfish way to run a marriage, and one that can’t be happy for at least one of the parties concerned.
Tell me ~ do you fancy yourself so interesting that you have never bored your husband with things he could really care less about? How kind and loving of him never to have let on. Perhaps you could ask him how he manages it!
You know ~ most women would be delighted that their husband wants to share things with them ~ even solicit their opinions! I hear far more complaints from women whose husbands hide themselves in the basement doing godknowswhat and only emerge to buy more bottles of lotion to put on the skin. But obviously you've rationalized and entrenched your dismissive attitude towards your husband in a way I don't think I can combat ~ so I'll answer your question exactly as you have posed it ~ "Is caring about him sufficient reason to just suck it up and feign interest?" Well, let's see if we can't figure this out together, shall we? Your husband is "baffled" and "upset" that you won't "do something as simple as give him an opinion". And you become "snappish" and "annoyed" when he tries to share things with you. How long do you think he's going to put up with things being this way until he starts to look for someone who can at least feign some interest, if not be outright enthusiastic about his hobbies with him? It's honestly not that hard to just give him an opinion is it? Just pick the *pretty one* and be done with it! Because I promise you, my dear, there are plenty of women out there who would love a husband who was so interested in bringing them into his world ~ and you just might catch the tail end of one as she rides off on that bike she helped him build ~ instead of you.

***

Well, Dear Friends, both old and new, it looks like that's all for this week here in our tranquil Lagoon! Goodness, but Mermaid feels like she needs a dip in these cleansing waters to rid herself of all this week's negativity! And today started with so much shining promise! I tell you ~ it's enough to send me back to my bed, to close my eyes and bury my nose in my beloved's t-shirt and inhale deeply his sweet scent, and once again feel his gentle, strong arms around me ~ and thus emerge cleansed and renewed once more. I ask you Friends ~ can Mermaid have a do-over?

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Premonitions and All Manner of Abuses Being Heaped Upon You Poor Mere Mortals

2010-04-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Friends! And a fine, fine day it is in the Lagoon, don't you agree? And as we all know, Thursday is very close to Friday, which is very close to the weekend! And I don't know about anyone else out there ~ but THIS particular weekend can't come soon enough for Mermaid!

I see we have some new visitors here ~ I can see them paddling in to shore as we speak ~ and I'm sure they've brought their dilemmas with them for Mermaid to help sort out. How lovely! Because that's exactly what Mermaid feels she was put on earth to do! Let's have a look at their original missives here:

http://www.slate.com/id/2250840/

And now let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Welcome, my Dear! Mermaid is so glad you've come to her side of the Lagoon! It's not often I encounter a kindred spirit such as yourself. As some may know, Mermaid has been blessed with the gift of foresight since a child, and has had many precognitive dreams over the years. When you told me of your tale, it reminded me of one in particular that happened during the end of a long, hot summer, many years ago.
My good friend Dana's mother was in the hospital, recovering from a double mastectomy. They thought they'd caught the cancer before it would take her life. The hospital was about 100 miles away, down the winding mountain pass, and Dana was determined to visit her mother as soon as she was out of surgery. She was just 16 years old, and had gotten her driver's license just a few months earlier. She asked me and another mutual friend, both of us a few years older than her, to ride along, and we told her we would.
The night before we were supposed to go, I had a dream. I could see Dana in the car, driving down the winding road. I could see the wind through the open windows, lifting her hair. Suddenly the car started to rise up and fly. Images started to spin in my head ~ earthskyearthskyearthsky ~ and I saw a brilliant flash of white ~ and the strangest phrase popped into my head ~ "All I can see is yellow."
I awoke with a terrible sense of foreboding, and the smell of roses in the room. I loved Dana's mother, and wanted to go see her, but I was afraid to go with Dana in the car that day. I'd long ago learned to listen to my feelings this way ~ but I feared it would not be enough to not offend Dana or her family, who were devoutly religious, so I made an excuse for why I could not go with Dana and my friend. They went without me.
Nothing happened that day. Or the next day. Then, on Sunday, Dana decided to drive by herself to visit her mother. She didn't make it back.
We got the call that she was missing late that night, and my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. Rescue crews were dispatched, her family and friends rallied to search the back roads, hoping to find her and the car. She was finally located ~ the car had gone off the road and landed upside-down in a field.
A few days after they located her, and after we buried her up on the hill without her mother present, my friend and I went to the accident site. It was late afternoon, nearly dusk really, as we crested the top of a small hill and ~ suddenly! ~ a brilliant flash of white! I was so startled I swerved to avoid whatever it was, and nearly went off the road ~ just missing the opening in the barb-wire fence that Dana had made when she and her car flew through it.
It was a nesting mother barn owl that had dive-bombed my car, protecting her territory. And my friend and I had no doubt whatsoever that she had been protecting her territory the night that Dana lost her life.
My friend and I got out of the car, terribly shaken, and walked through the opening in the fence, out into the field of dry grass where Dana's car had been found. We could see the huge gouges in the ground where the car had turned over and over. Earth and sky and earth and sky. In the grass, I saw something sparkling in the fading light and bent down to pick it up. A nearly-empty bottle of Dana's favorite perfume that still held the scent of roses. I inhaled deeply, knowing I'd never again be able to smell that scent and not think of her ~ my beautiful, sweet friend with cornflower blue eyes who liked to eat butter on Saltines while we giggled over movies ~ taken from us too soon by a brilliant flash of white ~ her life slowly ebbing from her in that field of dry grass ~ where all you could see was yellow.
Mermaid believes you should tell your friend of your dream. Is it merely a manifestation of the fear you have of "losing" your "first love" again? Perhaps. Will what you say be enough to dissuade him from taking this job opportunity? Probably not. Will telling him change or avoid the outcome? Maybe. Would you forgive yourself if some sort of accident as you've dreamed about were to befall your friend and you hadn't told him? Never. So, you see, you must tell him ~ kindly, gently, and with as much detail as you can remember ~ so you will know ~ and he will know ~ that the Fates have been alerted and Their intentions have been duly noted. Mermaid believes you have a rare gift that should be respected ~ even by yourself. There is a reason you had this dream ~ you would do well to take heed of it. We cannot alter the wave that intends to pull us out to sea and take us from this world ~ but if we are lucky enough to see it coming ~ sometimes it can be avoided.

***

Dear Friends ~ the writer of the video missive is not here and Mermaid is reluctant to talk about her and her situation in her absence. However, I can tell you that I made her turn around and paddle right back to her brother as quickly as she could, and tell him what their mother did to his child. Then I made her promise never EVER to allow this silence over child abuse again. Then I made her promise to never EVER allow her or another person's child to be left alone with this flaming bitchtard she still calls "mother". Then I made her promise to examine why she still wants to have a relationship with a woman who used weapons upon her small body, including her CLOSED FIST. That's a lot of promises, I realize. Mermaid can only hope she keeps most of them…

***

Hello, young mother, and congratulations on the birth of your newest son. I say that to you, in the kindest way I can muster, to impress upon you some things of which you appear to be woefully ignorant.
This is the worst type of dilemma to present to Mermaid if you want her sympathy ~ for it is all reserved for the small child that has been entrusted to your care. What a horrible and strange and painful disconnect you have with your son's brother! You say he "comes around a few times a month" ~ what? Just randomly wanders in from off the street? Okay, that's sarcastic, but you get my point. I guess nobody told you, so Mermaid will ~ that little boy belongs in that house with his father as much, if not more, than you do. And of all the emotions with which to treat a small child ~ "respect" seems extremely cold and awfully perfunctory. What does that mean exactly? To me it feels as if you are frigidly polite to this child for etiquette's sake ~ and nothing more. Well, Mermaid says ~ shame on you.
I am curious on several points. First, where is your boyfriend in all this? Why is he so oblivious to the fact that you are jealous of and resent and admit to disliking his son so? Are you super-crafty or is he just completely out of it, or a little of both? Why would he have a child with you, knowing this? (It's okay, you don't have to answer that.) And who told you that his ex-wife is jealous of you? And how much better about yourself does it make you feel to believe that?
This child is SIX YEARS OLD. This must mean that you had to first meet him when he was 4 or 5 years old, or even earlier. I don't know how much you know about six-year olds (and lordy I hope you read some parenting books before your own hits that milestone) but it is a rare six-year-old indeed that is capable of the pervasive and ongoing manipulations that you deem him capable of. You do realize that, even if his mother has brainwashed him to the point of hating you (which I don't believe for a moment), no six-year-old is capable of carrying out that emotion for the duration when faced with 48-72 hours of love and attention that's in direct opposition to that which he's been warned against. Their little minds simply can't stay "on task" and with that level of intensity for that long.
What exactly has he done to make you "dislike" him? He does not like to speak to you without his father in the room? Can you blame him? He's probably afraid of you, can feel how you dislike him, and can sense that you really don't want him around. Is it any wonder that he does not warm up to you ~ when you are so obviously cold to him?
As far as practical advice ~ that's easy. You should treat this boy as if he's your own. Children are not perfect, and there will be days when he's quiet and doesn't want to talk. Don't make it a big deal and stop taking everything so personally. I know you've just had a baby, but the world really is not revolving around you all the time. This little boy has a lot to deal with when he comes to his dad's house, much of it having nothing to do with you. As the adult, you have it within your power to change the entire dynamic between the two of you ~ this boy does not. Stop acting as if his every move is designed to be a personal affront to you. Stop seeing him as an extension of your boyfriend's former life that you wish hadn't existed. Try to see the world through his eyes. His mother has a new family and baby ~ his father has a new family and baby. Where does he fit in? Make a place for him to fit in ~ literally (more than "coming around a few times a month") and figuratively, by opening your heart so he can feel there is a place in there for him. Love, given patiently and consistently over time, is the only thing that will change the dynamic between the two of you. That is ~ if you truly want it to change, and are not looking for an excuse to further alienate the boy from what you perceive is the (read ~ "your") nuclear family, by convincing your boyfriend that he's a bad boy out to destroy you and your happiness.
I will give you credit for realizing you must come to terms with your feelings about your boyfriend's son before the two of you marry. A lot of women in your position would be far too eager to establish a superior position by putting a ring on their finger. However, it would be good for you to recognize further that, even if your boyfriend and you never marry ~ this little boy is your son's brother. And in Mermaid's world ~ that makes him your child, too.

***

Ahoy, my little worker-bee! (I hope you didn't take that as an insult ~ you seem like the sensitive type.)
Everyone's a little nervous with the economy being so poopy right now. Companies are doing all they can to shore up that bottom line. Some of their ideas are really dumb, like having a stranger come in and tell their employees that no one wants to see them fat, grey and flakey. I'm sure that if one made a list of all of the less-than-desirable qualities available to mortals ~ all would find themselves with one or two on that list. So why do you feel particularly stung by these observations? And why did you read your superiors' "head-nodding" as anything more than what superiors do when faced with a situation that they paid to have happen? Did you think they would argue with the presenter?
This brings me around to my point. It never ceases to amaze Mermaid how people react when faced with a situation like this. It is too late to have that consultant back in front of you, unfortunately. Why did you not raise your hand and ask her exactly what she meant by "gray hair". How much gray is too much? Can she be specific, please? Likewise, how fat is too fat? And I would have pinned her down on her definition of "bad complexion" for sure. This would have been more than enough for "upper management" to realize that they were treading into very dangerous EEOC waters with presentations such as this.
If this was a one-time presentation, I'd take it with a grain of salt. Maybe you could glean something from it. (Oh, let's face it ~ if you have visible dandruff ~ you probably SHOULD do something about it, yes?) But if this is just the beginning of a campaign to winnow out all the non-gray, non-fat, non-white employees, then your speaking up at the next seminar will definitely put the higher ups on notice that they are asking for trouble with this sort of thing. Because they kinda are, you know.

****

Aaaaah! A chance to relax! Little Bridesmaid ~ you'll forgive me if I react this way to your dilemma, for unlike all the others, it's really the easiest kind to solve, as it's basically an etiquette question wrapped in human drama. So here is Mermaid's advice for you:
You cannot afford to be in your friend's wedding. Period. End of chat. And this is what you'll tell her when you make a date to see her in person, or call her on the phone to tell her. Do not do it via email or any other written means that can be twisted around and passed back and forth amongst catty friends to shred. You will tell her kindly, but firmly, and with enough time to make alternate plans that you simply aren't in a position financially to be involved in her wedding, and you don't see that you will be at any time in the foreseeable future. Practice steeling yourself against tears. It will help. And be prepared to be "uninvited" by this good friend of yours to the entire party, because she seems like the manipulative (read ~ punitive) type. How do I know that, you ask? Well, let Mermaid tell you…
Contrary to popular belief ~ people do not always ask you to be an attendant because you are their very favorite person and simply can't live without you standing by their side while they wed. Many times, the move is simply strategic. Let me give you an example:
Many years ago, I was friends with a girl I worked with. We loved each other's company, spent a lot of time together socializing away from work, and I was flattered and honored when she asked me to be her matron-of-honor after I'd known her all of six months. When I expressed my surprise at being singled out over all of her other female friends and relatives, she freely shared with me her strategy for doing so.
You see, my friend wanted three attendants at her wedding, no more, no less. She had two sisters and three girl cousins. She planned on asking her sisters, but that would have meant having to choose one cousin over two others ~ and a mighty family feud would have ensued. So she chose me, so she could gracefully exclude all three of them equally. And she didn't want to have to choose one sister over another to be her maid-of-honor, so she chose me as her "best friend" so as to not have any hurt feelings from that angle, either.
Well, as the upcoming nuptials grew from a "small intimate wedding" to a "destination extravaganza", I ended up having to do what I advise you to do ~ I had to tell her that, as a single mom, I could not afford the dress, the shoes, the accessories, a new outfit for my son to attend, a babysitter for when his presence would have been inappropriate, the gas to drive 1200 miles round trip, the time off from work, and the hotel fare and meals for 3 days to participate in her wedding. I ended up not going at all ~ and she hasn't spoken to me since I declined her very kind offer to be her m-o-h. But I did this only AFTER I'd already foolishly put half of a non-refundable deposit down on a dress I'd never wear again. So, please don't make the mistake Mermaid did ~ get out while the getting's good!

***

Well, Dear Ones, that's it for this week. It has been a ~ how do you mortals put it? ~ rather TAXING week for Mermaid also. I turned my back for one second and Bret Michaels had to be rushed in for emergency surgery to remove his appendix and I was terrified that the incident would muss his glorious mane of gold. Which is ALL HIS by the way. I'm sure he paid good money for it, too. At any rate, Mermaid has high hopes for him making a full recovery ~ given plenty of the proper TLC of course. As further insult for the week, I have a rash of hives on my forehead from eating, all by myself, 7/8ths of only the most perfectly gorgeous homemade boysenberry pie I've ever baked (from luscious huge berries from vines given to my former in-laws in the 30s by Walter Knott himself) and I don't dare show myself on the other side of the Lagoon with a big daub of calamine lotion lest the Captain and his crew think I'm Michelle Pfeiffer-ing up on them. On the upside, however, this week Mermaid treated herself to these awesomely killer shoes ~ http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/sandals/platform/78596326-starace/66&flagid=wromantic ~ which will come in handy when I cast aside my mermaid's tail and walk amongst you mortals upon the shore to greet my beloved ~ Mermaids can do that only when they've found true love, you know.

*Late breaking news ~ I've just received word that the crew on the other side of the Lagoon is all abuzz about my forehead breakout. They're apparently questioning the source and wondering how I got it ALL THE WAY UP THERE. Hmmm. I wonder who told them about this. You know ~ when those scamps get together, they're worse than a sewing circle…

And so, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Pandora's Grandmother, Exes That Won't Stay Buried, Baby Haters, and Someone Just Bragging About Being Hotter Than Her Coworkers

2010-03-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Dear Ones! Oh, how I have missed you all! Mermaid has just returned from a rather long and arduous journey ~ and it seems just in time! A few of our visitors this week seem as if they could really use Mermaid's firm, yet gentle touch. Which reminds me of some of the adventures I had on that rather long and arduous journey (winkwink) but I'll save that story for another time. All that matters now is that the sun is shining here in our beautiful Lagoon, and the horizon looks clear and promising, and we are all together once again. So, without further ado, I give you this week's original missives:

http://www.slate.com/id/2248716/#add-comment

And then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Oh, my dear. Mermaid is so sorry for what you are going through. Not only for your grandfather's protracted illness, but the collateral damage caused by it. It must be very difficult for your grandmother to be his sole caretaker, and must be causing quite a strain on her. You are a kind grandchild to visit them both.
So ~ your grandmother admitted to you some outside dalliance on her part that means your father is not her husband's biological child? What exactly was her motivation for doing that? Is it possible that your grandmother is also suffering from some form of dementia? I won't make blanket statements about persons of a certain age, but it has been my experience that sometimes, the elderly delight in "stirring the pot", either out of boredom, loneliness, isolation, need for attention because the person they care for seems to get more of it than they, or some fabrication of a fantasy from bygone days that they have allowed to become a full-blown reality in their mind. It may be a mechanism for her to be "close" to you by revealing this secret. As you know her and I do not, you should examine this aspect of it more closely before proceeding.
I would have confronted her immediately upon her slip of the tongue, but since you didn't (I sympathize with how shaken you must have been) you clearly do have a dilemma. But please don't let "medical necessity" be the reason you seek answers from your grandmother. I'll let the experts tell you about the statistics for anyone to become afflicted with Alzheimer's but let me just say ~ it would not be worth it simply for you to be able to say to your father, "Pops, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you won't ever have to worry about Alzheimer's! The bad news is…" because there is every possibility that his biological father, if one exists, has it, too. There's the rub.
Mermaid knows you do not want to hurt your father with the news that the man that raised him is not his father, but if your grandmother has already let it slip to you, then there is every likelihood that she will not be able to resist further "slips" and I would worry about the manner in which this is eventually revealed to him. I would confront her again about what she said. But you must approach this with care. Going to her in an upset fashion will likely cause her to clam up and brush off what she said as a bad joke. If you approach her with concern for your medical history, you probably stand a better chance of her telling you the truth.
Once you know the truth (or what your grandmother says is the truth) I would schedule some quiet time with your father and tell him what your grandmother said, exactly in the context she said it. I feel this is important for two reasons ~ if it was a lie, then your father needs to know that his mother is already exhibiting some signs of dementia which is leading her to spread some pretty ugly stories. If it is the truth, well ~ I know some people will advise you differently, but Mermaid believes people have a right to know who they are, and it would be kinder coming from you than someone less sensitive. You should prepare yourself, however, for the fact that your father may already know.
Memaid knows you will approach this situation with kindness and compassion. Your father is very lucky to have you. I wish you the best of luck, and please do come back to the Lagoon to let me know how it all works out, will you?

***

Greetings, kind Sir! My goodness, but you have been tossed about on choppy seas, haven't you? Mermaid is saddened to see that the nasty effects of a bad marriage still plague you. And I am not simply talking about the actions of your own personal Lilith. No, I am referring to your obviously still low self-esteem, which apparently took quite a beating from your ex-wife. Tell me, dear one, why you would feel that your neighbors would be "eyeing you with contempt" because they received an obviously crazy letter from an obviously unbalanced psychopath? Why did it not leap to your mind that they would feel sympathy and understanding for your situation? Mermaid does so hate for you that you feel this way. Let me see if I can help.
Your neighbors feel sympathy and understanding for you and your girlfriend. Trust me on this. Most of them have been through something similar. Trust me on that, too. Perhaps not to the extent you have, but with the divorce rate being what it is, the chance of any one of your neighbors having a crazy ex (or two) is pretty good.
I do understand your girlfriend's fear, and she is entirely justified in it. For this reason, it is even more imperative that she (and you) reach out to her neighbors. But, of course, you already see that a letter from you would not be the right recourse. No ~ encourage your girlfriend to speak to several that she is close enough to. Start with an apology for the mess, and dragging them into it. Most people at this point will bend over backward in understanding and, frankly, the desire for details. Once she has their understanding, she should move on to enlisting their aid. She should inform her neighbors that your ex continues to be a frightening problem, and that legal remedies (of which you have availed yourself) can only go so far ~ and would they mind letting her know if they see any suspicious activity? Tell her not to be shy about informing them of what type of car she drives and what she looks like (and no, two horns and a tail won't suffice.) Mermaid has always found that when you ask for a person's help in a situation, it gives that person a stake in the outcome ~ and people always want to succeed. In this manner, your happy outcome becomes their happy outcome ~ and isn't that a lovely thing?
Now, just a little bit on the legal aspect. Mermaid is not an attorney and, therefore, cannot give legal advice. Mine is that of a knowledgeable layperson, so please take it as such. The letter that was spread to your neighbors may not be grounds for libel, according to your attorney (although I wonder why it is not, so a second opinion might be in order, and certainly why it is not for your girlfriend, since she seemed to be the scapegoat in it and could, depending on her circumstances, affect the goodwill she has with potential customers, which is considered damage) but of course should be saved as evidence, along with any further contact from her. This is why enlisting the aid of your neighbors is so important.
Mermaid wishes you good luck in this situation, and should you ever return to this happy Lagoon (and Mermaid certainly hopes you do!) please bring along your lady friend. It sounds as if she could use a nice vacation!

***

Hello, new Auntie! Congratulations on the newest member of your family! If only the babe knew what a storm was a'brewin around him or her!
Now, Mermaid does not know all of your family, but I have to assume that you were all on good terms before the birth of the baby? I am wondering why your sister Eileen (I cannot utter that phrase without the Tanya Tucker song "San Antonio Stroll" running through my mind) asked your sister Karen to put her up. Was it because she wanted to spend time with her family, odd as that may seem? *sarcasm* Or was it for economic reasons? Things are pretty tight out there, Mermaid knows.
I could read you the riot act about you and your sister being mean and lacking compassion for your sister and her situation, along with her being absolutely crazy to not want to be able to get her hands on an adorable newborn to love on for a few hours, which is one of Mermaid's ideas of heaven on earth, to be sure! But that's not my style. If you want that, I guess you've come to the wrong side of the Lagoon. I'll ship you across to my beloved Submariner, who will give it to you good ~ as only he can.
What I will tell you is this ~ and you can tell Karen this, whom I am assuming is without children of her own. I hope. You both need to reexamine your thoughts and feelings about infants. They really aren't the spewing human Rainbirds of excreta and voluminous shrieking that people sometimes think they are. Be that as it may, and keeping in mind that it is always unpleasant to be an unwanted guest in someone's home (and I don't want that for Eileen and her new little family) I can *try* and understand why some people would rather not be bothered with their presence, and come up with a compassionate and diplomatic response for your sister, the new mother.
To guard against any hurt feelings, I would come up with a little white lie, something along the lines of, "Eileen, we have just found out that (insert name of husband) has a huge presentation/ court hearing/ delivery/ whatever, that he must be a part of very early the next morning, and we fear that all the excitement of having a new baby under our roof might disrupt the sleep he will need so badly the night before. Would you understand if we put you up at a hotel for the night and paid for it, as our gift to you? We'd love to take you out for dinner beforehand and spend as much time as possible with you, but hubby and I would feel more comfortable, just for this visit, if we could make alternate sleeping arrangements."
Hopefully, Eileen got the graciousness bone that Karen obviously lacks, and she will accept gratefully. Mermaid has a feeling that she will. Mermaid also has a feeling that if she could have afforded a motel in the first place, she wouldn't have bothered asking Karen.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation ~ no hurt feelings please! ~ and if you come back to our lovely Lagoon ~ don't you dare come without bringing that precious baby! Mermaid will teach him or her to swim like a little minnow in no time.

***

Welcome, young and lovely! Congratulations on being the hottest thing in your office! Mermaid understands your dilemma intimately ~ believe me. I know exactly how it feels to be constantly besieged by those that are far less comely than yourself. It can be quite a burden, yes? However, I have learned a few tricks for dealing with these situations. And no, passing out paper bags is not a good idea! (Don’t ask me how I know this.)
What these kind people are doing is called "paying you a compliment" and Mermaid has found that the best way to combat this affront is to fight fire with fire ~ sling a compliment right back at them! Really! When someone has the gall to say "This is what happens when you get old" simply say "Well, I hope it looks as lovely on me as it does on you!" or ogle them appreciatively and say "Oh, I can't wait!!" and just watch the look on their faces! Sweet revenge! It's priceless!
Now, the other situation you describe, all sarcasm aside, Mermaid does have much sympathy for. No one likes to be thought of as the beneficiary of nepotism, and it is unkind of them to imply this, but, Mermaid always likes to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they are simply making kind conversation. When asked "did your mother get you the job?" I would simply say "Why no! Did she get you yours?" or if you really want to have some fun simply say "Yes! Aren't I lucky?" and walk your fine young ass away from them. And wiggle it a little. That'll really show 'em.

***

Well, Dear Ones, so ends another week here in our lovely Lagoon. It is so good to be back with all of you! And in celebration, it just might be time to dust off the ol' barbeque grill and get some sailor-tempting smells wafting from this side of the Lagoon to the other. One never knows what big handsome catch might take Mermaid's special kind of bait…

And so until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Five Troubled Souls In Search of Honesty...

2010-02-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! A powerful series of storms has kept Mermaid hidden in the kelp-bed for safety of late ~ but the sun is now shining and the fish are jumping ~ right from the frying pan and into the fire it would seem! A fair number of new faces (or a new number of fair faces!) present themselves this week here in the Lagoon. So let's have a look at their original queries: http://www.slate.com/id/2244313/

And then let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Well, hello, Sir! And congratulations! You've managed to do something not many people can do and that's irritate the hell out of me. Yes, I'm talking to you, and in a roundabout way, also talking to your ladyfriend there.
Please understand ~ Mermaid passes no judgment on you for what you want to do, and likely have already done. You know how I feel (especially lately!) about the fleeting nature of life ~ and how I feel we must all reach for happiness where we can blah blah blah. What I absolutely cannot tolerate is someone who presents themselves in front of me under the cloak of being a "principled person" and then proceeds to outline exactly how unprincipled they have been, and plan to be in the future, before asking for my blessing to okay that which they intend to do anyway. Frankly, it gives truly principled people a bad name. It is a colossal waste of both of our time if you cannot admit to yourself the truth about your relationship and own it for what it is.
I don't enjoy being played in this manner. I don't enjoy being emotionally manipulated. I didn't need to have the ghosts of unrequited teen romance, or love in the time of war, or all those roads not taken, sprinkled over this story to make it a fairy tale. But perhaps you do, dear sir, to make it palatable enough for you to overcome the obvious.
You and your ladyfriend likely hooked up on Facebook ~ that's where old "teen sweethearts" are hooking up these days, I understand (teen sweethearts with "no sex" meaning you had a crush on her that went unrequited.) It's probably in her profile that she's a "vibrant sensuous woman with a strong sex drive", am I right? You saw your second chance. You two reconnected. (laaaaaaah!) And she tells you about her invalid husband. I have news for you ~ her sleeping with you or not has nothing to do with her husband's Alzheimer's. She would be in the market to sleep with you based solely on the fact that (at her word) he was "not very interested in sex and had problems performing, so sex has been out of her life for many years." The Alzheimer's has simply become a handy excuse, so don't insult my intelligence, please. Snap!
It's very telling to me that your question is "is it permissible for a woman to indulge her sexual needs with a man she loves since she cannot get that satisfaction within the confines of her marriage?" because that question could apply to someone with a spouse with no medical problems at all, but who is just lousy in bed.
Okay, that was mean. And cynical. But, see, you've put me in a bit of a bad mood and that always irritates me!
But it's not as mean or cynical as I could have been, you see. I didn't ask you, for example, if you ever played football for the NFL, or piloted a plane, or if you are a secret millionaire who works in a hardware store. One never knows about these things without checking, does one? And I didn't ask if your girlfriend's husband really has Alzheimer's or is simply some deaf old codger with a healthy pension she thinks she can safely sneak around on. Because that would have been mean to put that bug in your ear. And the day is much too pretty for that.
So I'll give you the advice I would have if you *hadn't* tried to gaslight me with visions of Pearl Harbor 2, all right? I'll tell you to please be careful, and please be respectful. Many people have lived through circumstances very similar to yours and come out happy in the end, but it requires honesty, and tact and diplomacy, and respect for the fact that others will have to be made to understand the situation, and they may have varying degrees of difficulty doing so. How respectfully you treat everyone involved ~ each other, her husband, your family and friends ~ that's what will foretell whether or not there is true and complete happiness waiting for you both on the other side. Now you best swim away, O Great and Principled Man, lest your equally principled girlfriend chastise you for cavorting with O Great Topless One.

***

Hello, young man! Mermaid is delighted to have you here! Now, let's take a little swim so's I can have you all to myself for a bit, yes? What, people? ~ it's just to TALK!
Okay, first off ~ I think it's delightful that you want to be so sweet and romantical for the girl of your dreams. Please don’t ever EVER lose that propensity. Mermaid can tell you a great deal about romance, especially of late, and the one thing I do know is that it is all in the thought and the effort, and not so much the actual execution, that matters to your beloved (well, okay, that's what works for ME.) So, based on my significant experience with male/female/male interactions, here are a few things for you to consider:
People don't really like the secret admirer routine until you're firmly a couple. Leaving a little wrapped box with a "Guess Who?" is only cool if s/he can actually guess who. If someone leaves a note in your locker, it's nice, but it's also kind of creepy, you know what I mean? They had to touch your locker, invade your space. Ew, gross! Are they watching you, watching your reaction right now? That's scary! I mean, how does my hair look right now? I know, right?! So I know you'd like to surprise her, but this is more of a zit-on-prom-night kind surprise rather than a blue-minus-on-the-stick kind of surprise. One's really good and one is really really bad. We'll get to that later.
Another thing ~ Valentine's Day is a loaded day as far as first dates goes. Some people might take it as very significant and put more weight on the date than you want them to and you'll end up with fricassee ~ or they may fa-reak and feel that you are the one who is jumping the gun and you might scare them off. So, again, no dates on VD (lol) until you're firmly boyfriend/girlfriend.
My advice is ~ buy her a Valentine's Day card (not a big goopy one, just a sweet/funny one (maybe with a really good pun ~ girls love puns!) because it's a good excuse to buy her a card without seeming over the top (ooh and a box of the Conversation Hearts!), and how she reacts to the card will tell you whether or not she really likes you. ('Cause you seem a little unsure about that right now.) If she acts like she isn't interested, then oh well, you took a shot and it wasn't meant to be. But if she acts like she is interested ~ well, then you know what to do, right? (No!! Not that ~ I meant practice your "ask-her-out" line (as in "I'd really like to go out with you sometime and get to know you better. Will you go to the movies/mall/monster truck rally with Big Daddy Don Bodean's truck, "The Behemoth", with me this Saturday?" in front of the mirror until it feels comfortable and you know ~ like you *haven't* been practicing in front of a mirror!)
Best of luck to you, young man, and you'll come back to Mermaid's Lagoon again soon to let her know how you're doing, yes? And in the meantime ~ if I ever get any little wrapped packages signed "Guess Who?" ~ shall I assume they're from you?

***

Hello there, smooth operator! Whew! Aren't you a breath of fresh air?! Tell Mermaid the truth ~ did you just come there to brag about your ability to nail more than one babe at a time? In your late 40s even? High five! And have you ever been attracted to mermaids? (jk)
So, I'm guessing that your question boils down to a lack of sophistication when trying to explain to one girlfriend that you can't see her because you're seeing another girlfriend. Am I right? Of course you're not "required" to tell one girlfriend about the other since you have not laid claim to one another exclusively. (Said Mr. Semantics) But that's not the issue ~ trust Mermaid on this ~ they already know about each other, or at least the possibility of each other, and they kind of enjoy watching you squirm when you explain where you are when you're not with them. But every time you squirm ~ their esteem for you tumbles, because at our core, we want our lovers to be as honest as they can be with us.
What you want is to be able to say to one lover "I can't see you this weekend as I'm going to a concert up the coast" and have her be okay with that and stop short of asking "Oh, with who?" something along those lines? And you don't want it to become so casual that they wish to meet each other and become sister wives and you find yourself in an episode of "Big Love"? I get it.
Look ~ you just need to be more socially adept. This is no different than 4th grade when you wanted to do one thing with a friend and another friend found about it. Hurt feelings ensued. You have to practice some lines that will both mollify and explain without gouging the heart of a woman you've just schtupped. Because women do find it hard to schtupp with a gouged heart, you know. (And I know you know, which is why you don't want them to know ~ you know?)
This is hard on your lady friends because they want to have conversations with you about what you're doing in your life ~ and what you're doing is other people. And you're right ~ they may know about and even be okay with it, but they certainly don't want their noses rubbed in it. It's no fun not to be invited to the party.
It seems to me that the only hangup here is that you don't want to admit to some sort of polyamory situation (because that would be "skeevy") ~ as long as nobody knows about the other and can get "okay" with it, you can still maintain the illusion that you're simply a man with multiple girlfriends that you're "juggling". Does that add to the titillation factor for you? Is it their "disapproval" that is the allure? I think this has a lot to do with it. It's sexier to be fought over, vied for, rather than shared, isn't it, and you rather like thinking of yourself as a rake, a naughty boy. It's better without permission, am I right?
I have a feeling that this situation will resolve itself sooner rather than later without much of my help. The truth has a way of rising to the top like bubbles that break upon the surface. These women will eventually confront you and you'll confirm their suspicions and they'll either stay or they won't. Wouldn't it be more respectful, and kinder, to broach the truth to them, in a gentle, natural way, the next time the situation presents itself? But I have a feeling that wouldn't be nearly as much fun for you ~ would it?

***

Well, hello Nancy Drew! My goodness, we've been a busy little beaver, haven't we? No, I'm not mocking you ~ Mermaid simply has an overwhelming desire for privacy and finds the Internet's ability to destroy any semblance of such somewhat creepy in this regard.
I do want to clarify something, though. You say that you became concerned about your friend's fiancé, and your excitement quickly faded, when you "began to hear more about him." Forgive me, but ~ have you ever actually MET Brian? Or is this information all coming secondhand from your friend? Are you sure there even IS a Brian?
Oh, I get that you think he's a sociopath, your mother's friend's boyfriend. And I get that you want to tell her ~ and I get that you're going to. If I were in your shoes, honestly, I'd probably want to do the same thing. But, as she's likely in love with him (or believes she is) I'd start out gently ~ I'd maybe tell her that I didn't find him on the roster in your old alma mater, exactly what year was it again? I certainly wouldn't be printing out any evidence to wave under her nose to support your case like she's the one on trial. Because unless you met this man and he told you these things himself, you'll just be calling your friend on what may be her own fabrications.
Also, see, I'm the type of creature that anything you told me would be tempered by the outrage I'd feel to know you'd spent hours on the computer looking up personal information about me and my boyfriend. But that's just me! I'm part Greek, and you know we shoot our messengers anyway.
This is an unfortunate situation. He may be a dangerous criminal that she needs protection from. He may just be a lonely man who feels he needs to pad his resume to inflate his worth. This may just be the embellishments of a lonely woman who wants her friends to be impressed with her boyfriend. So, Mermaid implores you ~ tread gently in these waters, please.

***

Oh, my dear! Mermaid is distressed to hear about your situation. And distressed to hear the judgments passed against you this week! It's as if you don't know your own mind ~ isn't it? But Mermaid knows ~ the heart wants what it wants.
One thing was missing in your letter, dear ~ LOVE. Do you love him? I'm going to assume you do, for the sake of argument, but you never mentioned it once. Because I think people who really love each other should be able to talk about anything. And the fact that you don't feel as if you can ~ well, use your own well-honed logic.
What we have here is a couple that's been operating under a certain set of rules and now one party wants to talk about changing the rules. I'm trying to apply how this would work if you'd been previously monogamous and one of you approached the other about wanting to become nonmonogmous. The thing is ~ you can allow the other person to do whatever they want ~ but they can't make you reciprocate. If you say to your partner ~ "Okay, let's give nonmonogamy a try" ~ how are you going to feel if your partner is the only one having other lovers? And how are they going to feel?
My advice is of course very simple ~ talk to him ~ but easier said than done in this situation ~ I understand. I can tell you're scared he won't want to move towards monogamy and it will be an ultimatum of sorts. Stay in the relationship as the only monogamous partner ~ or leave. Or have him start feeling so uncomfortable that *you're* suddenly uncomfortable, and he doesn't want to feel like he's "screwing around" on you that he leaves on his own. I get that it's scary. Crossroads are scary like that ~ I understand.
Sweetheart ~ you have to be brave where your heart is concerned. You'll never get what you really want if you are too afraid to ask for it. Mermaid knows how you feel, believe me! Just recently, something similar happened for me. An issue arose, and I was afraid to talk to my beloved about it ~ afraid if I asked for clarification, he'd tell me things I didn't want to hear, and it would mean the end of us. But I knew I had to be brave if I was going to know the reality for us. It was so hard to look right at him ~ I could barely make eye contact! I could see how much me being in pain was hurting him too, which hurt me even more! Yet, I also felt I couldn't get him close enough to me physically as I spoke. I wanted to crawl inside him so he could know how I was feeling without saying anything (but I settled for sitting on his lap with his arms around me, pouring my heart out.) And once he was done listening, and clarifying things for me, I realized the fear and the worry were far worse in my imagination than was the reality ~ and I was put completely at ease.
Now, I can't guarantee that will happen with your boyfriend, unfortunately. Mermaid would wish it for you if I had the power. You may find, happily, that you have misread his comments and your boyfriend wishes the same thing you do and has been afraid to broach the subject himself. You may find that your boyfriend wants to remain nonmonogamous and a decision then will have to be made. What you absolutely cannot do is sit by while this festers inside you because you are too afraid to lose your boyfriend altogether than speak the Truth to him.

***

And so ends another week in the Lagoon! You know it's strange ~ I've smelt the succulent fragrance of cooking fish all week. At first I was afraid it was Me ~ out too long on my tanning rock, using my new bacon suntan oil. But ~ I figure as long as the Submariner and his crew don't show up again with the lemon wedges ~ I'll be just fine!

And so until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Vagina Landlords, Drama Queens, Victim(s) of Stroke, and The Guy Who Wouldn't Even Earn the Steak Knives

2010-02-05T02:24:00.000-08:00

Greetings, Dear Ones! Mermaid is delighted to share these warm and tranquil waters with those that need respite from the fuss on the other side of the Lagoon. My goodness, the waters are choppy over there this week! I could hear the cries of the gulls fighting over the offal all the way from over on the Fray! Or maybe that's just the Submariner's crew on "Monte Cristo sandwich night." It's hard to tell. Those darn things ARE pretty good. Not as good as my Mermaid Chicken ~ I've got it on good authority ~ but good just the same. ;)

Just so we're all up to speed ~ here are the original letters: http://www.slate.com/id/2243578/

And without further ado, let's dive right in ~ shall we?

***

Well! You know ~ normally Mermaid is thrilled to have fresh man-meat in her Lagoon, but you're a bit past your sell-by date, my Friend. You have so many issues; it's hard to know where to begin. But you know me, I like to start out with the good stuff so when I start knocking you around a bit, you still think it's foreplay.
First off ~ I can see why you'd be upset. You finally got confirmation for something you've suspected all along. Because there is no way you'd ask your wife something specific like this without already having suspicions about it. Which sort of explains the fight you were having. Which leads me then to infer that things haven't been very good between you for quite some time.
Nobody can hurt each other the way you two have without a lot of practice. So you can hold on tight to your sense of moral outrage and superiority and blame your crappy marriage and the divorce you're about to file for on your brother and your wife and this long-dead and deeply regretted indiscretion, or you can man up and accept the fact that you don't respect your wife and you never really have, and you hate your brother and you always have. Or you can pretend you now you have concrete reason according to you to divorce her. Or you can stay with her "for the kids' sake" and make her miserable by browbeating her for being a closeted whore until she runs screaming from you when the youngest is 18 ~ if she lasts that long with your miserable self. I have to infer that the way you feel about the women who chose to sleep with your brother is indicative of the way you feel about most women ~ a category your wife has landed in after she fell off the pedestal you had her set up on. Good thing she had all those whores to cushion her fall, am I right?
Mermaid is curious ~ would you have more respect for the women your brother "manipulated" into bed if you knew they'd done it of their own free will just to get laid? No? So just any woman who has slept with your brother is a whore now? Wow! That's some magic wand he has! No wonder he was your mom's favorite!
But seriously (because there are little ones involved, otherwise Mermaid wouldn't bother with your sorry behind) ~ do you love your wife? That's all that matters. If you love her, you'll get through this, because you want to be with her. If you don't ~ you won't. But at least be honest with yourself and her about why it is you'd be so willing to split your family up.
This may be the last straw as far as you're concerned, but there's a whole haystack of issues behind that one ~ and you're one half of every one of them. Mermaid urges you to go see someone about your deep and unresolved issues regarding your brother, your hatred towards women, and your own self-loathing. Because it really is true ~ you cannot love someone else until you love yourself first ~ and there are at least three people in your house that need you to make yourself well and whole.

***

*sigh* Honey ~ do you dislike being happy so much that you have to make yourself unhappy to be happy? You didn't say how old your child is ~ are you in the throes of some sort of post-partum depression? Or is the little one taking a lot of your energy and not enough of your intellect and you have to find ways to inject some spice and drama into your otherwise-perfect world?
Take a tip from Mermaid ~ life will hand you enough problems without creating more for yourself. You have to learn to be more forgiving of yourself and stop manufacturing "issues" out of nothingness! The only possible reason I could see for this ever to arise is if your now-husband ever talks about "that great job you quit for whatever reason" and you feel guilty because you know the reason. Look ~ you paid the penance, you quit the job, and you never spoke to the man again. What was the point of doing all that if you're just going to convict yourself years after the statute has passed? Are you just the proverbial glutton for punishment? Then why don't you just do what everyone else in your position does and have another baby? (just kidding)
Did you love your husband when you accepted his proposal? Did you intend to be faithful and have you held to those intentions? Then you did not trick him into marrying you. Do your child, and him, and yourself a favor, and please stop this nonsense. That's it. Simple as that. Just stop it.

***

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry for your loss. Your entire world has changed, hasn't it? And the rest of the world acts as if there is only one patient in your household. I can see why you would feel a little bitter and resentful. After all, you're working all day to support a man who seems grudgingly grateful to even be alive. And I say "a man" because the man, who used to be your husband doesn't exist any more, does he? This must be a grievous loss for you, and I'm so sorry you are going through it ~ and all alone, apparently.
I wish my friend Kati were here to talk to you. She's somewhat of an expert in these situations! And she's right when she says that you have to take care of yourself first before you're any good to anyone else. You must not allow the two of you to stagnate in the present state you're in ~ nor accept it as the status quo. I know, with the economy being what it is, that is easier said than done. But it must be ~ if you want this situation to change for both of you. He needs your help. He doesn't want to be this way for you or for himself. Mermaid knows how hard you're trying. I know you don't want to give up on him and you are simply venting because you are at your wit's end ~ and rightfully so. But there's hope! Prudie's advice was good, and Kati's was better ~ but I would add something ~
Do you love your husband? Because if you love him, you'll get through this. If you don't, you won't. But don't let the fact that he's had a stroke be the reason you stay with him if you otherwise wouldn't. There is nothing more cruel to someone who is helpless than a resentful caretaker. Better for both of you that your husband should be in a nursing home where he can be properly cared for than receiving less-than-adequate care because you feel it is your "duty" while you spend every waking minute hoping for it to be "over with".

***

Young lady, Mermaid is so delighted you are here! And I suspect it's no coincidence that you have made your way to this particular Lagoon. Mermaid has actually owned several automotive repair facilities and has employed many automotive technicians. So I'm somewhat knowledgeable in this area.
Now, if you want to do it the nice way first ~ your husband should report this to his DM right away. If he has kept careful account of his missing hours, he should ask to be reimbursed with interest. If they're smart, they will pay him and consider themselves lucky they got off so lightly. If not, you can take the other route, which is this ~
Your husband should report immediately to his nearest Labor Board office. He should tell them about his employer's business practices and his lost wages. His employers will then be compelled to produce records to dispute what your husband says. When they cannot, your husband's employer will be forced to reimburse him for lost wages ~ times three. In addition to this, if your husband is fired while his case is before the Labor Board, it will likely fall under the "whistleblower protection" act and be considered an act of retaliation by his employers, and they will be sanctioned and fined accordingly.
Businesses are in the business of making money ~ period. Surely it hasn't passed anyone's notice that this shop is so woefully underperforming. This is something that is scrutinized on a daily basis, I can assure you. In fact, I'll bet that by the time your original letter was published by Prudie, someone from uptown at Mitch & Murray was in that store to have a look at the original paperwork. My guess is that they will find the manager has only been telling the rest of the shop that people are getting work done for free ~ and they've worked out some kind of "payment" with him on the sly, and your husband's manager has been keeping operating costs down at the store so as not to rouse suspicion by shortchanging his employees' payroll. Just a guess ~ don't ask me how I know about these things. *sigh*

***

Mermaid is so pleased to see some friendly faces here in the Lagoon this week. It has been a rather difficult time for me. It is true, what they say about us Pisces ~ that we represent the symbol of Death in the karmic wheel ~ destined to bury all those we love before us ~ because we do not fear Death, but understand It. Someone close to me passed away a few days ago and I have just laid hands on and put to rest everything she ever owned in her long life. And that of her late husband, whose presence still lived with her. Being surrounded by the evidence of the mortality of two people all this week has left me both melancholy and resolved. Melancholy for the time that has slipped away from me, wasted ~ and resolved that no more shall. Life is so very short ~ far too short to live without the happiness of having someone who Knows ~ even for an immortal creature like me.

And so until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On The Repentent Abuser, the Cowardly Beneficiary, the Nutty Neighbor and a Closeted MILF Hunter

2010-01-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! What a gorgeous day it is here in the Lagoon! Mermaid is delighted to have you all here, and very anxious to help right some wrongs, to uplift the downtrodden, and buck up the unbuckable. Because Mermaid doesn't think ANYONE is unbuckable!!

So without further ado, I present the original letters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2242749/ And then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Young man, your type is not often seen in Mermaid's lagoon ~ someone who has seen the error of his ways, wants to change them, and is young enough to fix them. And because so very much is at stake here, Mermaid will be very blunt with you, and you must listen to me, because I knew someone who was just like you, and I wish I would have had the chance to tell him what I am about to tell you before it turned out to be too late for him.
You need to be alone right now. I know you know this yourself because you are already attempting to sabotage this girl you fell too far too fast with away anyway, because you know you really should be alone. So just cut out the middleman and be alone. Do not allow your girlfriend to insist on staying to witness your metamorphosis. If she is attracted to you at all as you say she is, she is damaged herself in some way, that's almost certainly a given. Get thee far away from each other.
You see ~ what is wrong with you is like a cancer, and you've just discovered you suffer from it. You cannot cure this cancer through self-help books, nor advice from the internet lady, and not even from Mermaid (although she's pretty damned miraculous nonetheless), and the only way to cure it is through gathering every resource you can glean from every source you can muster (college boy, hello) and get thyself some intense therapy and possibly medication for these issues that you are merely tamping down to avoid an explosion of epic proportion. I am not shitting you. For real. And that's as close to a practical-world diagnosis as this mythical and topless creature is going to give you. Back to the ether ~
You know what Mermaid finds fascinating? You were under no obligation to tell us about your bad behavior, yet you did, in such specific detail one could not deny the truth of the matter. You've no doubt witnessed how insults and castigations have been heaped upon your head (come on, I know you're watching.). Something tells me you've sat back and lapped this up like a cat with a dish of cream ~ because a) you have a bit of a masochistic streak and b) drama, and being able to think yourself a "monster" is going to get you closer to where you really want to be, which is being seen as a super-loveable being that is the "real you" trapped inside something ugly you can't control ~ a monster. That's very clever of you. Because you know deep down that ladies are attracted to bad boys aka "monsters" because it's something to "fix". They all want to be the one lucky enough to "save" you. Proclaiming that you're "working on it" will get you a lot of mileage, won't it? It's less your fault that way.
Which is why you MUST be alone right now. Until you are fixed and whole and no longer a work-in-progress and no longer a danger to women, (and you are told this by someone with authority to do so), the only women you will attract are broken birds who will see you as both challenge and salvation. And yes, they will love you, and do things they should not because of it, but that love too, is a sort of sickness. Don't be its host.
Mermaid has said her piece to you here today, on her side of the Lagoon. If you have any doubt at all about the advice I've given you today, about availing yourself of therapy and help for your condition as being your top priority right after ending this current relationship and staying far away from the fairer sex for a bit, then I invite you to navigate into the waters on the other side of the lagoon, where you will find my dearest Submariner, himself a font of no-nonsense advice of a particularly pointed variety, waits to have a word with you.

***

My condolences on the loss of your mother. How lovely that she provided for you and your family and made sure to write a very specific letter outlining precisely that she wanted you to have this money and explaining exactly why she wanted you to have this money and further expounding that she expressly did not want your brother to have this money because she'd already given him way more money than he deserved while she and your dad were alive, and she'd probably be really really upset to think this unmitigated assbung would possibly weasel and bully his way into your pockets the way he unfortunately did into hers for all these years and negate her dying wish for your happiness.

I'm sorry, sweetheart ~ what was your question again?

***

My dear lady! I guess you've learned a valuable lesson, yes? Don't treat someone as a very close friend until they actually are one. This has all the earmarks of someone who still misses high school and the thrill of getting to throw spitballs at Betsy during assembly. An old school drama queen, how retro! (Oh, I meant your neighbor, not you of course.)
I believe you have received some very bad advice about how to handle this neighbor who seems to be not quite right in the head. I couldn't help but wonder how people would feel if this were a man doing this to you ~ making a point to slow down and wave and honk at you for several seconds when you have clearly indicted on numerous occasions an unwillingness to engage them. Would you be advised to give in and stop the abuse by waving back and smiling at your abuser? Certainly not! Do not give in to terrorists, hostage takers, or crazy neighbor ladies in lint-covered velour track suits driving Saturn station wagons. Mermaid thinks it quite obvious that this woman is getting a big kick out of bothering you. But do you really think you're the only one in the neighborhood who has witnessed her shrieking and waving at you like a wackjob? Mermaid's advice is: Do not engage her and keep your countenance as calm and reflective as that of a mirror in the face of her assaults ~ and her insanity will eventually be evident for all to see and not just in your head like it is now.

***

Hello, young one. At first I thought a flip answer was in order. This is another one of you land-dweller's "Facebook: questions, after all. Or is it?
What do you WANT to do, little one? You never came out and said you don't want to talk to your ex's mom. I'm pretty sure you'd know what to do if you didn't. (And if you don't, you just might not be bright enough to have a Facebook account, let alone be in a relationship.) In fact, your last sentence, while meant to sound like a reason for why your ex's mom maybe wouldn't be contacting you actually sounds like more of a disclaimer for why it would be okay for you to talk to the ex's mom. So, let's recap: You aren't in contact with your ex. She likes to debate your politics (some guys like that debate-y thing; I know it gives MINE a glorious chubby!) and she likes to give you advice which maybe indicates she cares about you. She also "can't stop" posting on your account, which maybe indicates a level of continued interest towards you.
So again ~ ask yourself what do you WANT to do, little one? ~ and then go do it ~ with Mermaid's blessing.

***

My goodness! What a week it has been in the Lagoon! You would not believe the glorious wonders Mermaid has seen for ~ the very first time! ~ just this past week or so, on her journey through the waves with her Beloved! Why, believe it or not, she's been carried all the way to Atlantis and back, captured the elusive Loch Ness Monster, and been captured in return by the mythical Unicorn. How she was ever able to muster the strength to leave that magical place and return for a time to this Lagoon is but testament to the love she shares with her Beloved ~ a love so pure and divine and true that it allows them to move through walls and water, along the riverfronts and through the mist, to embrace and join one another in a world where they are only seen by each other ~ and invisible to all others.

And so until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Pocket Poolers, Another Perfect Boyfriend But..., Requiem for a Heavyweight Drinker, How to Fire Your Friend, and Prince Charming Never Texts

2010-01-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! And a beautiful day it is here in the Lagoon! Unfortunately for Mermaid (long story) it isn't a sunny day, so certain friskier activities will have to be delayed, but at least I have my new visitors here to rouse me from hiding in the kelp bed, to deliver some gentle advice. Let's have a look at their original letters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2240647/ and then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Oh my! My dear woman ~ you claim to be in the business of private tutoring, and it would seem that you are not performing your duties correctly if so many of your students still present with untutored privates that do not know how to mind themselves!
All levity aside, Mermaid knows it is difficult to know how to react when a young person performs an act that in polite company is not considered appropriate, especially when that young person is not your own. I take it that you haven't been lucky enough to spend much time with the youth of today lately? Mores the pity ~ they really are a unique and enchanting breed of creature with manners and customs all their own, it would seem. Your questions were "Did I handle this in an acceptable manner" (Yes) and "What should I do if it happens again." (Something similar) and "Shouldn't teenage boys already know not to do this?" (YES!)
Certainly it is appropriate to ask a young man to please excuse himself to the lavatory to wash his hands if he has been fondling his privates ~ as appropriate to ask a young girl in similar circumstances. (ew!) It is not unusual in schools and libraries, to prevent the spread of germs, to install at each computer station, a container of sanitizing wipes with a small sign that reads "Please sanitize hands before use." This could be done as a matter of routine so as not to embarrass anyone who may really need to be sanitized.
One of the difficulties you face is that this is a mixed-sex situation, so while it is perfectly acceptable to advise your student that you can't tolerate masturbation in front of you when it occurs, it will eventually swing the pendulum in the opposite direction if you become known as "The Penis Patrol" and react with outrage to every "adjustment" made by a boy who is nervous in your presence and makes an unconscious gesture. In any event, because of its sexual overtones, only the most egregious offenses should be counseled, and then certainly by a male member of the staff ~ and of course, done with kindness and gentleness, in a way that their parents ~ sadly ~ didn't see fit to.

***

Oh dear! This is a very serious problem and Prudie has made too little of it! You say that your boyfriend has been "seething" over something "for a year"? And he only revealed it to you after much "poking and prodding"? First of all, my pet, you have to recognize that as incredibly passive-aggressive. That has "no-flowers-for-a-year" beat hands down! Second ~ I even seriously doubt that you are talking about anything noteworthy in your sleep. Mermaid suspects that this is your boyfriend's way to control you by making you feel guilty for crimes you haven't committed. Is it possible that you told your boyfriend you were "quite ambulatory" (which means only "walking" ~ not "speaking") and that he is using this bit of information against you to gaslight you? Mermaid cautions you in the strongest of terms against further involvement with this man. Simply telling him to "chill out" is not sufficient unless Prudie means he should do that chilling out on your front steps, because he's not getting any further than that after today!

***

Oh, my dear girl. Mermaid extends you her most heartfelt sympathy for what you and your family are going through. I understand the mixed emotions you have ~ the impending death of a family member with whom you only have a passing association.
I must first caution you that your feelings on this matter are likely to change from day to day. You may not feel at this point that you have anything to say about your father, but that may change as his time grows more near to leave you. Give yourself some time.
Here is something Mermaid does know for sure ~ funerals are for the living. I do not know what the relationship is like between you and your mother, but I do know that you likely had your own difficulties with her as a result of how she chose to deal with your father's alcoholism. It is notable to me that you do acknowledge that your mother would be "heartbroken" if you cannot come up with something to say, which indicates a certain level of empathy for her on your part. You don't say that you don't want to give the eulogy ~ just that you can't think of something to say. Well, I would enlist the aid of the person who wants you to think of something ~ your mother. If this eulogy is meant to ultimately comfort her and you have no objection to giving it ~ why not ask your mother what she wishes said about him? Tell her that you are struggling in the midst of your grief (come on, you can do it) and you need her help to be able to talk about your dad. Tell her you've got so much swirling around in your head, you need her help to make sense of it. If it doesn't make any difference to you, why not make a difference for her and simply say the words she'd like spoken about her late husband?
Now, if you simply are uncomfortable giving a eulogy, it is perfectly acceptable to bow out and allow a third party to take over the duty ~ most people understand that relatives are too upset to be able to "perform" at the ceremony and they will simply think the same of you.
(By the by, just so you know, Mermaid's advice if your father had been abusive or mean or if you just plain didn't want to would have been FAR different than what she's given out here!)
Mermaid will keep you and your family in her thoughts during this most difficult time.

***

Well, hello my nimble-fingered nymph! Mermaid makes a little confession to you ~ piano playing is a secret dream of mine. However, teachers took one look at my Vienna-sausage shaped digits and simply chuckled… and my dreams of being the female Jerry Lee Lewis were dashed likes waves against the rocks…
Your problem is very akin to the same one women have bad for years ~ what to do when you find a hairdresser who does a better job than the one you've used for years, and have formed a friendship with? I would take her out to dinner and explain that you've enjoyed more than the lessons the fact that such a wonderful friendship has blossomed from it. I would thank her for the wonderful foundation she's given you, but explain that the very convivial and unpressured nature of your relationship finds you hungering for more of a challenge. If she is a true friend, she will understand that her talents have their limitations and you've simply outgrown what she can teach you and she will gracefully accept your exit line. If she is not a true friend, she will be angry that you don't want to continue paying her for instruction that is no longer of use to you. How convenient you should be able to kill two birds with one stone ~ the hiring of a better teacher and the revelation of the true nature of the friendship between you and your former teacher!

***

Ah, the last visitor of the day in the Lagoon ~ with a particularly modern problem! At first, Mermaid wasn't sure but that you'd just found a clever way to advertise the fact that you get asked out a lot! So much in fact that it's quite annoying! Mermaid congratulates you on garnering so many suitors who express an interest in spending time with you! The reporting from the other side is usually that prospects are so much bleaker than seems to be your experience. So Mermaid would caution you to be careful what you wish for…
Your reasoning for not wanting to be asked out via text was very clearly thought out and very logical. For a moment, Mermaid was afraid it was going to be something silly like, "A real knight in shining armor couldn't possibly text from the back of a white charger!" To you, a man who texts you instead of picking up the phone is exhibiting a lack of confidence ~ and you want a confident man. That's fair enough. But, silly girl ~ you are committing the cardinal sin of applying logic to romance.
I'd like you to picture two scenarios and see if they make you feel any differently. In the first scenario, a lovely envelope arrives in your mailbox with a handwritten note from a man that you've previously met and expressed a mutual interest, asking you for a date. Would you think he was being cowardly by not picking up the phone to ask you out? I know you'll say this is outweighed by the charm of knowing the lengths he'd have to go to accomplish this old-fashioned courtly missive, as opposed to texting, but if your only argument is that the lack of vocal communication indicates cowardice to speak to you, does it matter how that presents itself?
The second scenario I would like you to picture is if you met (in your own estimation) a perfect specimen of land-dwelling male ~ someone who exuded confidence with you, that you gave your phone number to (that IS how they are getting your number, isn't it? You give it to them to use?) ~ someone who made your heart sing in every way possible from the moment you laid eyes on him ~ and he texted you to ask you out. Would you set aside your discomfort to answer, or would you hold fast to your principles and assume he "wasn't really interested" or was "not confident"? Or would you take into account his bearing and begin to question whether your standards should begin to change to fit the times and the man?
Your last sentence was confusing ~ How do I indicate that I find this practice inappropriate without making the man on the other end of the text think I dislike him? ~ Well, you don't. Because you do dislike him as dating potential because you think he is exhibiting lack of confidence. You need to own that.
And that, my dear, is the problem. You fear becoming involved with people who display, in your estimation, a lack of confidence ~ because you lack it yourself. You lack confidence in your opinions, your convictions and your decisions. Work on having confidence in these three things, and then you'll be able to make decisions (even if they vary from situation to situation) without questioning yourself so. That way, when a man texts you to ask you for a date, you'll be confident that, depending on the suitor in question, either ignoring the request or taking a chance and replying to the text ~ was the right thing to do.

And so ends another beautiful day in the Lagoon! Mermaid hopes the New Year bodes well for us all, both here in the Lagoon and out in Prudieville, Land of The Fray. Mermaid also hopes for Prudie's sake that the standards at her daughter's school can be elevated to where it occurs to teachers to speak up if a young man has his hands down in his crotchular area for any longer than it takes time to XYZ! As the kids would say ~ what's up with that? *hair flip*

So, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Another Facebook Casualty, Conjuring the Dead, Bio-Grannies Who Come Bearing Gifts, and The Latest Installment of "He's a Wonderful Guy, But..."

2010-01-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! Oh it's beautiful here in the Lagoon on the first day of the New Year! The sun is shining, the fry are jumping ~ and we've even gotten our Christmas decorations put away before the Gods of the New Year smile upon us! Nope ~ there's no tempting Fate here in Mermaid's Lagoon ever again. I learned my lesson this past Thanksgiving when the spirit of Big Chief Five Pies destroyed my oven after he heard me even think about making less than Five Pies this year. Of note is that the destruction occurred right after I'd made said Five Pies ~ ! Even our gods have their priorities, I see…

As I also see we have some new visitors! First let's take our trusty spy-glass and have a look-see at their original missives here: http://www.slate.com/id/2240260/
And then let's see if we can't help them out, shall we?

***

Hello young one! Welcome to the real world! Is it your first time here? You'll get the hang of it sooner or later, and until you do, consider yourself lucky that you have Mermaid to help you navigate the choppier currents.
It's difficult when there is layer upon layer of crimes and misdemeanors to know what to do when one is both victim and perpetrator. Your girlfriend was presumptuous to think she could dissuade you from a particular plum job she had in mind for herself ~ and very foolish to talk it up in front of you the way she did. What a carrot to dangle! And you know by the way you characterize your application as "secretly" that you were doing something that was going to be hurtful to your friend. And you were equally foolish to advertise your betrayal in such a public way, before you'd had a chance to soften the blow for your "good friend". So we have two equally foolish and presumptuous girls who have done damage to their friendship, and only one of them wishes to save it.
My guess is that the only reason you entertain the desire to keep this friendship at this point is so that it cannot be said that your friendship was destroyed by your betrayal. My guess is that you would keep this friend just long enough for another incident to occur that you can latch on to as the reason for the inevitable split (you DO realize it's inevitable ~ yes?) For she was no friend to you to begin with ~ one who would shackle you with unreasonable demands and petty jealousies and put-downs. And you were no friend to her to take what she wanted for herself after she'd confided this in you, without even a discussion. You'll have to accept your part in this, let it go, admit that you did the wrong thing, and take it as your first grown-up lesson well-learned.
Mermaid wishes the best of luck to you in getting that job. Just don't tell everyone about it beforehand. Hasn't anyone ever told you of the scientifically proven theory of "jinxing" a thing? Mermaid is not very good with computers but you seem to be ~ you could probably Giggle that and read up on it.

***

Oh, my dear! My condolences on the loss of your beloved mother. I know how hard it is to lose someone so close to you. You see ~ Mermaid knows a thing or two about Death, little one.
It is said that Pisces is the symbol of Death (Aries being the symbol of Birth) and that we Pisceans are fated to live long and bury everyone we love before us. I have found this to be painfully true in my case. Over the years I have become bereft of grandparents, parents, siblings ~ all I held dear. So I know what it is like to walk through life with only the memory of those that loved you and that you love to keep you from being alone. And it can be a cold and lonely place at times.
I understand that your loss is very fresh, and the desire to keep your mother "alive" by conjuring her up is very strong. This is normal and natural. In the days since the tides took my brother last year, everything seemed to remind me of him ~ and what would no longer be. It did not seem possible that he no longer WAS, and my mind kept wanting to make him BE. It took me many moons to speak of him in the past tense, and I still struggle with it. And I, too, faced the naturally sad looks from friends and loved ones who understood my grief and loss and were helpless to know what to do.
So I will say this to you in kindness, and hope that you can see the value in my wisdom. There will come a day when your friends will tire of being used as your support group. There will come a day when it is no longer appropriate to preface most conversations about what your late mother would have done or not done. The looks of pained sadness that are natural and appropriate now will turn to looks of exasperated avoidance after a while ~ because it is not natural to conjure up the dead repeatedly in conversation as a way to keep them alive.
When you say you "need to be able to continue as we would any conversation about parents, as opposed to it turning into a pity party" ~ I have to wonder at how many 23-year olds are really sitting around having conversations about their parents. Is it perhaps you that is initiating these conversations, as a way to be able to talk about your mother yet again? Please be sensitive to what is actually taking place as opposed to what you are manifesting yourself as a way to cope. Mermaid wishes the best for you as you learn to live life on your own, and she knows that your mother's love will continue to surround you all the rest of your days and with that, she will always remain in your present.

***

Greetings, young father! Your Christmas must have been especially fun this year! Nothing makes the holidays like little ones around the tree, don't you agree?
But all was not bliss, I take it. Your situation perplexes and vexes me on several different fronts, and I'll start from the beginning.
I should preface this by saying, quite honestly, that while I think adoption is a wonderful thing ~ I am not in favor of "open adoptions." Mermaid feels that if you adopt a child, you become that child's family ~ period. It is confusing for the child otherwise and a continued heartbreak for both sets of parents to live in a sort of parental limbo. This odd business of sending yearly updates and photos to the birth mother, while nice for the birth mother, is to Mermaid a huge invasion of privacy for the child, one that personally I would have been apoplectic had I discovered it perpetrated upon me. But then, Mermaid refused to attend parent-teacher conferences without her son present on the grounds that I would not talk about him behind his back or discuss him with anyone unless he was also privy to the conversation.
I take it that you had no agreement with the birth mother to give her yearly updates on your son's progress? It would seem that the first mistake you made was giving the grandmother your address. What did you think she would do with it but use it? And now that she has ~ you don't know what to do. Well, let's see if we can figure it out.
Do you even know if the grandmother has a good relationship with her daughter? (Your wife's radar was pinging up on something there for a reason.) Do you mean to keep in contact with the grandmother and not the mother now? Because you know, once you start a relationship, however tenuous, with the grandmother ~ you will have to tell your child about it at some point when he asks about his family. Or do you propose to continually lie to him and send the grandmother yearly updates and photos about him, behind his back and without him knowing? I am not in favor of lying to children, so unless you want to open that Pandora's box, and are prepared for him to ask to have a relationship with his grandmother and then perhaps his mother, and so on and so on ~ my advice to you would have been to refuse the gifts in the first place with a kind note that says, "We hope you will understand that we do not feel comfortable establishing a relationship with you until our son is old enough to make that decision on his own. When he is of age, he will be told of your generosity and kindness, and we will assist him fully in seeking you out, should he choose to do so."
It is not too late to box Pandora's gift back up and return it ~ kindly, and gently, and with all due respect, to your son's birth grandmother. Mermaid advises you to defer to your wife in this case. And then go love on that lucky little boy of yours…

***

Well, hello my dear! I see we've saved the best quandary for last this week!
First of all, my apologies to the beating you've taken over there on the Prudie Fray. Why, you've been called everything from a "immature" to "ungrateful" to a "slut" and a "gutter whore." And for what? For opening up to someone who purports to love you and revealing some secret desire for something that would make your romantic heart sing? For the criminal offense of expressing in clear words what you want from your lover? For wanting something as silly as a bouquet of flowers as opposed to something more significant like, say, an attendance at a family church service?
It seems to me that we here in the Lagoon had a rather large discussion the other week about people being clear about expressing something when it was "really important" to them, and the general consensus was… hmmm… hold on a minute, I believe it was my diving buddy, the Submariner who said it exactly, and as he is almost as wise as me, I shall quote him ~

"Why not just ask for what you want?! And yes, you're 100% correct. If she does ask and he refuses, it's asshatty."

So I would have to agree with my beloved Submariner in this, unless he chooses to tell me now that his judgments are subjective. Unless he tells me that it is now not enough for someone to say "it is important to me" to make it incumbent upon the other party to comply or risk being an asshat, but rather now that request must also be of a qualified and vetted nature to be considered. I hope that my Submariner will not tell me these things, because I rather did enjoy the idea that to simply ask a loved one, or tell them of the importance of something, would be enough for them to wish it for you also and Mermaid would be sorrily disappointed to learn otherwise now.
If you have asked him to bring you flowers on occasion, have told them that it really makes you feel loved and cared for, and for an entire year he has not done so, then I would say that would raise a red flag in Mermaid's book. I will never support the viewpoint that you should just sit down and shut up and be grateful for whatever you get from this man, as if the fact that you've been a teenage mother, or been on your own for a while (was it by your own choice perhaps? It would have been mine!) should not entitle you to what you consider your full measure of happiness. I find it very curious that the ONE THING that would elevate him to absolute perfection in your eyes is the ONE THING he steadfastly refuses to do. Something is slightly amiss there, and it strikes me as terribly passive-aggressive verging on perverse to deny you something so simple, so easily done, but that would mean so much to you.
I am not going to pile on you like some others and accuse you of being "ungrateful" or not noticing the nice things he does for you. Clearly, you do notice and do appreciate them, as they are the first things you mentioned about your boyfriend. But your one question ~ should I be concerned ~ is what deserves answering. And I would apply some long-range sight to this situation. It may be all right, and he may have had valid reasons, that for a year he has had many opportunities to surprise you and chosen not to. But how will you feel when you can say that for five years, he has never brought you flowers? How will you feel in ten years? How will you feel if after a lifetime with this man, you would still have to say that, despite knowing how much it would mean to you, he never brought you flowers? At some point, his avoidance and withholding begins to look pathological. So you can see that for someone with a bit of the gift of foresight, it already looks a bit like that to Mermaid.

A slight disclaimer ~ Mermaid thinks that flowers, unless one is flush with cash, are a big, beautiful, gorgeous, generous waste of money, and even though it delights her to receive them, she always feels a little guilty when she does. She would much prefer something that will last through time and tides, if given the choice, be it something tangible or otherwise. So it is not the idea of flowers that Mermaid is defending ~ she is defending the right of everyone to be able to express even their silliest romantic ideals to their one-and-only and to be heard and perhaps even indulged a time or two ~ and not be mocked and belittled.

***

My goodness, what a lively start to this our New Year here in the Lagoon! Mermaid has so much to look forward to in the coming months ~ she can hardly wait for it! So much love and happiness on the horizon ~ each crashing wave to the shore, each dawn of a mist-filled night breaking into day, seems to bring her more joy and contentment than she's ever known in this lifetime. Mermaid wishes the same for all of you, in this the year 2010 (did you ever think you'd see it?)

So, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On The Diaperless Duo, Thieving Aunts, Users Who Are Losers, and the latest installment of "He's a Wonderful Guy But..."

2009-12-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! Well ~ the holidays are in full swing here in the Lagoon! All the happy hustle and bustle, the joyous sights and scents of the season, the enticing packages and stockings stuffed full of goodies ~ surely one of Mermaid's favorite times of the year! And if my Diving Buddy's lovely suggestion to take yet another nap doesn't overtake me with luxurious procrastination, Mermaid might actually get some of her cookies frosted!
I see we have some new arrivals here to share in the festivities on this beautiful day! First, let's get a little idea of their quandaries right here: http://www.slate.com/id/2238852/ And then, let's dive right in, shall we?

***

TWINS!! How marvelous! Oh, congratulations to you both are clearly in order! First, let's tackle your "problem", which really isn't one, you know. Many new parents have specific items they wish (or don't wish) for baby and of course the answer is simple. One simply advises family and friends where one is registered for exactly the items one wants! And if you do receive something that offends your sensibilities, simply thank the person profusely, and then either donate it to a worthy cause or give it to someone you know who can and will use it. There is nothing wrong with this, and there is no need to feel guilty about doing so.
By now you should have caught on to the fact that merely mentioning impending babies seizes anyone who has ever had one themselves with the irresistible urge to impart some piece of wisdom upon the new parents. Well, Mermaid has spent enough time around land-dwellers to have become enamored of this custom as well. And so, unbidden, here is my own person chunklet of advice for you.
There is nothing more charming to me than the ideals of new parents. And I applaud your high ideals for your two very lucky children. Far be it from me to look askance at your plans to raise your tots diaper-free. There are no diapers in the ocean, if you notice! And if you are willing to invest the time and attention to this method ~ then huzzah to you both and best of luck!
Mermaid herself has an aversion to plastic. A more horrible thing was never invented! I dislike the look of it, recoil at the feel of it, and some kinds even make me dizzy to smell it and make me break out in a rash! So when my little one was born, I decided on cloth diapers instead. In addition, my son never had a bottle, or a pacifier. Not once! We didn't even have these items in the house! The idea of sticking a plastic thingamajig in my precious son's mouth filled me with revulsion. My son drank exclusively from the breast or a porcelain sippy-cup until he could drink from a regular cup on his own.
Up until my son was 6 months old, I took him to work with me, nursed him in between clients, and put his little soiled cloth diapers in a (plastic, yes!) zipper bag to take home with me. It was not fun, carrying baby, carrier, briefcase, and bag of soiled cloth diapers up and down a flight of stairs twice a day, four if I went to lunch. And my aversion to disposable diapers held until my son was 6 months old and needed to be put into daycare and could find no provider willing to use cloth diapers. I compromised by finding a brand that most closely resembled cloth in appearance and texture. And drove to the sitter's twice during the day to nurse.
My point is ~ ideals are wonderful and should be cherished ~ until reality and the real world intrudes. Sooner or later, a child in the sandbox will hand your little one a plastic toy. Shall you wrench it from their grasp? (I'm hoping not!) I only hope you will be as kind and understanding to those who don't share your lofty ideals as you have expected them to be towards the both of you in upholding yours, and keep an open heart and mind when the real world begins to intrude on your best-laid plans.
By the by, I do hope you'll bring the small fry to visit Mermaid. I do so love children! And if anyone can understand the joy and benefit of wearing nothing below the waist ~ it's Mermaid!

***

Oh, my dear. I extend my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved mother. And on the loss of your aunt, in a roundabout way. For if what she did is as you suspect, and kept the money for herself that was intended for your mother's care, it was reprehensible. Mermaid should like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she paid for expenses that you do not know about, and of course, that is the first thing you should express to her when you contact her. Let her explain where the money went. If her answer is not satisfactory, explain to her that you will be contacting all of the friends and relatives individually who gave money to your aunt to advise them that their donation did not do what they intended ~ help with your mother's care and funeral expenses. She needs to be made aware of what these ill-gotten gains will cost her in the long run. What your aunt did is not only morally reprehensible, but it is also not legal, and you and your friends and family would have grounds for a suit to recover these misappropriated funds. Something tells me it won't come to that if you confront your aunt in a kindly way, and give her the opportunity to make things right and help you defray some of your mother's costs without resorting to legalities. Resist the urge to take no for an answer ~ you owe it to all the thoughtful souls who gave of themselves so you and your mother should not be unduly burdened.
You've had a difficult year, my dear one. Mermaid hopes the holidays are kind to you. Please come back when the weather is warm, and let us know how things turned out, yes?

***

Heavens! Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Now this is a quandary of the highest order. How unfortunate that your "friend" has entangled you in his web of lies and made you an unwilling participant in his drama.
And it is for that reason that Mermaid would employ a little duplicity of her own, if found in the same situation. You are under no obligation to continue to back his play and it was foolish of this man to expect you would. Here is what I would do: I would erase from my mind the fact that he asked you to lie for him, and the cover-up story that followed, and ask that your wife do the same. That way, if and when his wife asks either of you about the golf trip that never was, you can both reply with complete sincerity and honesty, "What golf trip?" If pressed for details, continue to be as vague as you would be if he'd never drawn you into this mess in the first place, and suggest that she speak to her husband about the matter of which you know nothing about. The rest will take care of itself.
My guess is that after this episode, you'll be rethinking that "good friend" status you've bestowed upon this person, yes? Anyone who would do this to someone is no sort of friend at all.

***

Hello, sweetheart! Congratulations on your (somewhat) impending nuptials! I wish you both every happiness.
But whether or not that happiness is with each other remains to be seen. You have come to Mermaid for her advice, and her advice is what you will receive, but I fear it will not be what you wish to hear, and this pains me.
Mermaid was dismayed to hear of your situation. To me, this has very little to do with religion, and more to do with a partner who, it seems, will never recognize and hear you when you say something is important to you. That is very, very sad, and in the long run, I fear, will make for a very unhappy and unfulfilled union.
I'm sure everyone knows by now that Mermaid was once married to a land-dweller, of a very different faith than hers. We could not have been more passionately diverse in our core beliefs. But equally passionate were we about respecting each other's beliefs ~ and that included participating in rituals and celebrations that held no personal meaning for us, but which meant a great deal to the other. I happily sat through many Passover Seders and my spouse happily helped me decorate the Christmas tree. We strung holiday lights and lit the menorah. And my son played with his driedel underneath the tree right next to our little nativity scene. And ~ yes! ~ we both told our son about the wonder that is Santa Claus! And we were not unique as a couple. But such is possible when love is in your heart and respect guides your actions.
Surely your beloved knows how important the Christmas Eve service is to you and your family, even without you telling him. Your father's performance in it should be indicative to him of that. Telling him that it would mean a lot to you if he would attend as your fiancé and a future member of your family is not "forcing" him ~ it is being honest about your feelings, and this you owe him. You should not hide how you really feel in anticipation of his reaction. Mermaid urges you to think very hard about the gauntlet he is throwing ~ saying that the things that are important to you are "boring" and "awkward" and he would rather be away from you for the duration of them cannot bode well for a marriage in which these very events will occur again and again.
Mermaid urges you to gaze down that long and lonely path he is proposing you walk without him. If you feel you can, then by all means do so. If you feel you cannot, it is best you find these things out now, in time for you both to find other fish in the sea for whom you are each better suited. Whatever path you choose, you have Mermaid's continued best wishes for your every happiness.

***

And so ends another week here in the Lagoon! Mermaid hopes for each of you that you are with the one that you love most in the world this Christmas ~ but even if time and tides should keep you apart ~ that your abiding faith and love for one another will reach through the mists and sustain you both in the most joyous of ways until you find yourselves reunited once again!

So, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Friends Without Money, Lunchables Larceny, Purell Junkies, and Agatha Christie's Heir Apparent

2009-12-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

Greetings dear Friends! It seems ages since we've all convened here in Mermaid's Lagoon! I've missed you all so! I hope everyone enjoyed their Holiday right down to that last bite of pumpkin pecan praline pie, and is ready for a dip into this week's pool of quandaries. First, let's use our trusty spy-glass to have a look-see at this week's letters: http://www.slate.com/id/2237217/

It looks to be a light week here in the lagoon, which is wonderful ~ as it will leave us plenty of time for fun and games later. Shall we dive right in?

***

Well, hello, young lady! I can see you've done half of Mermaid's job for her! It's good that you can see the folly of having friends becoming employees, a dynamic which does not usually bode well for having those employees remain your friends. Mermaid is reminded of a co-worker she once had, who complained about the terrible job her housekeeper did. When questioned why she would keep such a substandard employee, the coworker informed her that her housekeeper was her best friend, that she'd hired because the friend needed the money, the friend "knew she could afford it", and firing her would ruin the friendship because she would have, in effect, had to tell her friend that she's a lousy housekeeper. Since the friend had spent the better part of her adult life being a stay-at-home wife and mother, one can imagine that this would cut to the core of who she was.

Mermaid isn't one to invite trouble, but also not one to ignore several things that bothered her about your letter. One is your assertion that your friends are in the situation they are in because of "less career ambition", which is slightly smug and disparaging in tone, followed by the dichotomy that, although they obviously need the money enough to work scrubbing your floors and bathrooms, you refer to it as "extra cash." Is it impossible for you to admit that your friends are poor?

It is always interesting to me how you land-dwellers miss what is the real issue. I would be less concerned with informing your friends that your boyfriend has made a presumptive mistake in hiring them, and more concerned with why he would make such an offer in the first place without discussing it with you. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that your grousing over your present housekeeper combined with his knowledge that your friends actually need money equaled his offer of a job, but it still adds up to the fact that it should be he who rescinds the offer he made in haste, and on his own. You have a small golden window of opportunity to nip this in the bud and I suggest you do so, before your already down-on-their-luck friends have an opportunity to breed an insurmountable resentment of you and your boyfriend by being made dependent upon your largesse, and surrounded as they will be by the trappings of your "sizable income".

***

My, my, dear one! Mermaid actually thinks this is the most troubling situation of the week. On the surface, it is just some pilfered treats from the refrigerator. Below the surface, it is much more worrisome.

Since it appears obvious that your friend is stealing for a reason other than necessity, much finesse much be used in gently confronting her. And you should ~ as soon as possible. Take her aside and, without alarming her, take it upon yourself to tell her that she's been seen taking food from the refrigerator. Tell her that one other person has seen her, and that person has come to you because she knows you are good friends. I would not shame or humiliate her by letting her know that she is known to be the culprit throughout the entire office just yet ~ and here is why:

Your friend may be an undiagnosed or recovering kleptomaniac. She may be an undiagnosed or recovering bulimic. She may be in dire financial straights that you aren't aware of, so that the office coffee and whatever snacks she can pilfer are what sustain her for the day. She may not even know why she does it. Be a true friend to her, if you can. Offer her whatever help you can to change the situation before she is outed as a thief and her job is put in jeopardy. Offer to help her seek out and accompany her to whatever professional appointment she needs, be it physician, psychologist, therapist, or financial planner. Once you have done these things, you can do no more for her. Mermaid wishes you the very best of luck with this, dear. Please come back and let us know how it turns out, yes?

***

Kind lady, Mermaid does understand your concern, but not your panic. Have you ever wondered how mermaids handle the going-to-the-bathroom and the washing-of-hands issue? Don't ponder it too deeply dear, for it will no doubt send you into a tizzy.

You are only responsible for yourself and your young children, you see. Other adults are off limits to your ministrations. You can do nothing more than govern yourself, and encourage your children to wash their hands after each bathroom break, cover their mouth when they sneeze, and perhaps avoid kissing anyone with a runny nose.

Just be thankful you don't work with a bunch of mermaids all day. Think about it.

***

Well, well! Now isn't that something! Mermaid congratulates you on the completion of your first short work of fiction! I think it's quite excellent for a first attempt! So full of back-story, and tension, family drama, and a rousing murder mystery to boot! Huzzah! Have you found a publisher? Shopped it around to all the best literary magazines? Sent it to the Weinsteins or the Coens for their perusal? I'm delighted that you would share it with all of my friends here at the Lagoon! It's not often we get such a delightful work of fiction here ~ what with SmagBoy's delicious offerings at The Dock being so pitifully few and far between!

You won't forget your old friend Mermaid when you accept that Pulitzer now ~ will you?

***

And so ends another morning in the Lagoon. Well! That was quick! Mermaid is a little disappointed. She usually likes her pleasure to last much longer than that, until she's fairly squirming with delighted frustration. With that in mind, it's time to take a little swim to the other side of the Lagoon and see what fun she can stir up. You see, she knows just the game she wants to play ~ and just whom she wants to play it with…

So, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

~ A Thanksgiving Story ~

2009-11-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

Greetings dear Friends! At this special time of the year, Mermaid would like to share a tale with you ~ a true Classic that she hopes will become a family favorite in your home to rival A Christmas Story. However, as this does not run on endless loop on TBS, you will have to use your imaginations to picture in your mind the tableau I am about to set before you… May I present ~

~ A Thanksgiving Story ~

The year was 1972. I was 9, my brother 7, my sister was 6, and we were on our way with our mom and dad to grandpa's house for Thanksgiving.

I say "grandpa's house" because that's the way it was THAT year; grandpa and grandma being in the middle of one of three divorces from each other. There was a heightened sense of anticipation and trepidation, as my mother had not seen her father for several years, since the last Thanksgiving when everyone was together, sitting at the long table and my grandfather hadn't liked the way uncle (my mother's twin) had asked him to pass the mashed potatoes. So, he hurled the bowl through the air in the general direction of my uncle. My mother says she booked it out of there hearing on the way out her father ask if his son WANTED SOME GRAVY WITH THAT?

It was with this in mind that my parents, especially my stepdad, had reluctantly loaded us up in the Valiant station wagon and made the two-hour trip in our best going-out-to-eat clothes. I remember we had gift-wrapped packages in the way-back and the foresight of my mother makes me laugh even now; that she would instinctively know that she wouldn't be seeing her dad again at Christmas, like this was all my dad was gonna be able to tolerate…

So, quivering from anticipation and the muscle cramps from following my mother's admonishments to sit absolutely perfectly still on the way there lest we wrinkle our clothes and the curl fall out of my Indian-straight hair, not to mention the constant monitoring required to make sure my siblings didn't cross the imaginary line I'd drawn in the upholstery and get more than their fair share of the bench seat ~ we arrived.

I imagine my grandfather must have seen us pull up to the curb because we were still uncrating ourselves when the front door opened. Down the front walk towards us bounded my grandparents' Dalmatian dog, who was delighted to see us. In his exuberance, he jumped on my little sister and knocked her down. Having dogs of our own, she was unfazed and got right back up unscathed.

But my grandfather was not satisfied. He strode down the walk, picked up Denny by the skin on the front of his neck, raised him up to eye level, and PUNCHED HIM IN THE JAW LIKE A MAN!

My father said, quietly, "Kids, get in the car." We got right back in the Valiant and drove away without a word. My father didn't even have to say "I told you so" and my mother didn't even need to hear it. We drove home in complete silence the whole way.

Of course, since we had planned on dinner at my grandfather's there was no Thanksgiving meal waiting for us at home and nothing had been thawed out so we ended up eating macaroni-and-cheese from the blue box.

***

A toast to all of you! ~ To holidays with family that do not involve hurled dinnerware or animal cruelty! May the worst that befalls you is a sister-in-law with a Tupperware fetish or a brood that asks you to "say cheese" for one lousy stinkin' "family" photo!

On Ungrateful Sociopaths, Bluebeard's Wife, (un)Dying Love, and Gunslinging Guests

2009-11-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

Greetings dear Friends! My diving buddy SmagBoy is absolutely correct ~ a wonderful, calming mist has moved in over the lagoon and we could certainly use some of that here today! As you shall learn further on, my pets, it is not only the LWs who have worked themselves up into a fever pitch. Shall we have a look at the original letters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2235694/ and then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

My goodness gracious! Such anger in response to a kind and loving gesture on the part of your fiancé's family! I do wonder how you would feel if you got what you wished for ~ if you had not been asked to be part of the "family picture". Well then, Mermaid has a little tale she'd like to share with you…
I had been living with my fiancé for nigh unto five years, and the wedding was set for the following Summer. One morning in Autumn, he awoke and showered, and I saw him putting on a dress shirt and tie. My fiancé was one of six children and he explained that since his oldest sister was visiting from out-of-state, his parents were taking the opportunity to get all the children together to make a family portrait. I knew the portrait of which he spoke ~ a rather classic pose of all the children standing stair-step in age, with the parents posed proudly in the forefront. "Lovely", said Mermaid.
It was over Thanksgiving when I first saw the portrait, and indeed it was lovely. They had it hung right next to the original in the front room, all six beaming adults in place of where six smiling children had once been. Then, on the way down the hall ~ I saw the other portrait that had been taken that same day.
It was of all 9 of the grandchildren, all 6 of the children, all 4 of their spouses, and Mother and Daddy. The only one who was missing ~ was me. I stood there for a moment in shock, looking at everyone in their Sunday best, and thinking of how much planning had to go into getting everyone there and in place. I tried to think of a reason for why I hadn't been asked to be in the family portrait ~ and I could think of none.
I had known this boy and his family since we were in junior high. His mother had helped me shop for my prom dress when my own mother refused and in so many ways had already been a mother to me. Even as I stood there, she was helping me plan our small wedding for next year and my bridal shower for the Spring.
I asked my fiancé about my omission from the photograph. He got very red in the face and squirmed uncomfortably. I would have liked to have given him the benefit of the doubt that he hadn't known about this beforehand and had only known about the larger portrait upon his arrival at the studio ~ but then I remembered how quickly he tried to leave the apartment that morning, and how he had uncharacteristically brushed off my offers to come along to keep him company.
He explained to me that it had been "agreed" that only married couples would be included in the portrait. Well, that applied only to me ~ and the youngest sister's boyfriend that she'd been dating for less than a month ~ so it really only applied to me. I countered with the fact that I'd been living with him for five years, which were several years longer than two of the children had even been married to their spouses. Was I really not yet considered part of the family because we lacked the proper documentation? Evidently so.
Things were never the same for me, not for how I felt towards his family, not for how I felt towards him. My heart had been broken a little that day in a way that would never be forgotten or mended.
So, to use a well-worn but completely apt cliché, Mermaid urges you to "Be careful what you wish for." Think about how it would have felt to stand up to pose, only to be politely but firmly asked to "step aside" because you aren't really part of the family yet. Think about what it would have felt like not to be asked, not to be included, and to have had it discussed and plotted against you before your arrival.
Well, enough about me ~ As to your own particular situation ~ none of your argumens hold water. What makes you think that being a part of your new family's holiday tradition will prevent you from your own holiday tradition? Are you land folks not allowed to receive more than one cheesy photo Christmas card per year that you should be prevented from creating your own? Are you under some sort of silly impression that your brother-in-law has changed his surname to make him eligible for the Smith family portrait?
The fact that these people want to include you in their family tradition and it's "making you sick" and "filling you with anger" and that you apparently can't picture anything more heinous than having recipients of these cards associate you with this family, suggests to me that you need some deep therapy to deal with your issues ~ would you like for Mermaid to drag you down into it and give you some?

***

Oh, dear lady. This is a serious and delicate matter ~ shall we swim aways from the others to discuss it?
Mermaid is of the opinion that you've had misgivings about your husband before you even sat down at his computer to snoop around ~ for in fact, that's what you did. Something inside must have told you that all was not right with him. Yet ~ when confronted with direct evidence that your worst suspicions are correct, you've continued to spend the following months sharing a bed with him and acting as if nothing is amiss and worse ~ questioning what your rational mind is screaming in answer. The only evidence that anything is awry in your world is the quiet "eating at you ever since". Why have you internalized this so? It is quite evident to me, and to anyone viewing your situation, that your deepest fears have been realized ~ that you were likely preyed upon by someone who recognized your loneliness (it was word #5 in your letter) ~ and the fact that you were raising daughters with no father around to protect them.
Step-daughter status aside ~ he has in his possession photographs he took of another woman in her lingerie that he may have (if you believe his story) specifically altered to be nude photos, which he now keeps for his continued viewing pleasure. Mermaid wonders what would constitute a dealbreaker for you, if this does not? (I do have to wonder at his logic ~ did he think altering them to be nude was preferrable to taking them nude?!) I will give him some benefit of the doubt that he may have never been involved with his step-daughter when she was a child, but you dear lady know the particulars on that. And the way that you leapt to the idea that he is a pedophile on top of being a lecherous scumbag suggests that you know the truth about him already. Just like you did the day you sat down in front of his computer to look for confirmation of it.

***

Well, well, my dear ~ how lovely to have a visitor who is filled with love instead of hate! We can certainly use you in the lagoon this fine morning!
Mermaid first off questions the "social worker" who is spreading around the conversations she has with her patients so that the office staff is privy to the fact that one of them wants to begin dating. But be that as it may…
Mermaid isn't going to be like the others who question your need to be involved in some sort of tragic love affair. The world needs all kinds of love, and without your kind, the Menendez brothers would still be virgins (not that that's a tragedy for anyone but the Menendez brothers, but anyway…)
You should protect yourself by first ascertaining whether or not your pursuit of a patient is in violation of company policy ~ but my guess is you've already done your homework on that. It is too bad that you've had to wait and waste "years" on this unrequited love and are only looking to enter the game in the final inning, but again, you appear to be plunging into things with eyes wide open and Mermaid will not judge something simply because she would not choose it herself. (I should point out to you, though, that being immortal means that all of Mermaid's loves are more or less terminal...) However, you must remember that you have had "years" to think about your own feelings on this matter ~ and his eyes have yet to be opened to them. I would proceed forward gently; with the most innocent of platonic queries ~ and simply leave it at that. You see, dear, my only concern in this is for the terminally ill patient who might find your overtures uncomfortable enough so that coming to your office is something he begins to dread and avoid ~ which is something I know you don't want to have happen.
I know you have only come to Mermaid for validation of that which you've already decided to do ~ and to that end ~ I wish you the very best of luck and to both of you I extend every happiness possible.

***

Happy Holidays, my dear! (And that's said withoug a shred of sarcasm ~ really!)Mermaid thinks you're working yourself up into a froth over nothing, but that appears to be epidemic at this time of the year. So I won't belittle your quandary too much…
Exactly how much time have you spent with this "antisocial" family member that you know exactly what he'll do, save anecdotal evidence? When you say he "likes to carry a gun with him everywhere he goes" are you talking about having one in the glove-compartment of his vehicle, or strapped to a holster on his belt? Given the fact that your boyfriend and his father both know how strongly you feel (and likely feel the same), do you really think he'll get past the front door if he's obviously packing heat?
The most telling line of yours was "I hate the fact that he will be in my home, possibly interacting with my family." Well, unless you plan on locking him out on the back porch for the duration of the day, he will definitely be interacting with your family ~ and that's what is really bothering you, isn't it? The fact that your family might see that the family you may marry into has some members that aren't perfect, don't meet with your (and probably their) approval? The fact that your very first "all grown up" Thanksgiving is going to be ruined by the presence of Uncle Stinky? How very kind and generous and adult of you. Mermaid thinks your one consolation should be that, given how "antisocial" you say he is, he probably won't even mind when you ask him to sit out of the family picture.

***

Ugh! What a lot of bile in the Lagoon this morning! And not all of it was from my visitors I'm afraid. You see dear Friends, Mermaid has spent a little too much time in too close a proximity to one of you land-dwellers who saw fit to bestow upon her a few of your flu germs ~ I'm not naming any names here, but I have my suspicions! I'd like to blame the depravity of the LWs for my lackluster responses this week ~ but the truth is, as of 12 hours ago, Mermaid had a fever of 105 degrees and she was dropping scales like a toddler drops Cheerios.

So, until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Shy Seductresses, A Fish Tale, Fresh Holiday Hell, A Dental Dilemma, and Much Ado About Nothing

2009-11-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! How lovely to see you all here again in Mermaid's lagoon! No matter the time of year, it is always soothing and temperate here. Perfect for lounging about and dispensing advice to some more poor souls who have found themselves in these waters. First let's peruse this: http://www.slate.com/id/2235351/ and then, shall we dive right in?

***

Oh, my dear! You wish to know if you are attractive and what it is that men desire? How lucky you are to have an expert like Mermaid at your disposal!
First off, your looks are not the problem. I've seen some creatures down here that look like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe and they always manage to find a mate ~ sometimes several. No, your problem is not your looks, it is the way you feel about the very creatures you seek to capture.
My lovely, this "men are visually oriented" sounds like something you read in a book you should have thrown out years ago. Certainly, all men are visually oriented in that they must look at you before they can taste you, smell you and touch you. (Well, most anyway ~ although there was this harbor master from Spain… never mind) My guess is that you are losing them, not on the first sense, but the second ~ what they hear coming from your pretty mouth. And comments that diminish a man's worth and reduce him to a drooling imbecile interested solely in a plastic pleasure princess will find you continuing to swim solo.
There is no creature more adept than luring a sailor to the watery depths and capturing his heart than a mermaid, but if you asked me I would say I don't know how to flirt my way out of a wet paper bag. I simply call it "being friendly" and having a genuine interest in everyone around me, and it has worked magic for me lo these many years.
If you want a man, you have to really like men ~ and women! Mermaid is as friendly and engaging to what some would call plain women as she is to what some would call handsome men, and she sees no difference between the two. But then, Mermaid is a bit different in that I see beauty in every one of your land dwellers I meet. It's a little weakness of mine. The next time you are in your local watering-hole, if you are not comfortable approaching men, simply be friendly and engaging with the women you came there with. Men will notice that. They notice someone who has confidence in herself, is open and pleasant to everyone, and this impresses them that you are approachable ~ even for them.
It has been Mermaid's experience(s) that if you are kind, if you show genuine interest in the person you are talking to, if you are friendly and open, if you exude love and life and vitality, you will receive just the same right back from everyone around you. That, my dear, is called "flirting." Trust Mermaid on this.
Of course, the first woman you need to start liking is yourself. If you believe yourself to be plain, that is what others will see. Your friends tell you that you are attractive, and you call them liars! My dear ~ I'm afraid what you don't want to face is that your problem really can't be put down to something as simple as outward appearance ~ it's much more deep within you.

***

To the woman with the live-in laws: Oops! Now this is a little awkward. I'm afraid Mermaid is the wrong one to come to for advice for your predicament, my dear.
You see, there's a reason your husband stays out 'til the wee hours of the morning down at the pier, five nights a week. Oh, he's fishing all right, and hooking himself quite a nice one if I do say so myself. Haven't you noticed he never actually brings anything home yet smells as if he wrestled a large tuna? As your kind would say… My bad!

***

Hello, my pet! Ah, precedent! How easy it begins and how hard it is to break. Would it do any good for Mermaid to tell you that you should have begun your own Thanksgiving tradition from the beginning? Well, hindsight and all… You know ~ if you don't mind a digression for a moment ~ Mermaid is constantly vexed by people who already know the answers to their questions and simply want validation for that which they have already resigned themselves to. What if I were to tell you "NO! You simply MUST attend your husband's family's Thanksgiving! How can you possibly be so low to think otherwise?! You ungrateful wretch! And your s-i-l puts her best Tupperware out for you! Of course you must attend, each and every year until you die! Not to do so would be an offense worthy of walking the plank!" Now ~ doesn't that sound silly?
Before I dispense with the advice ~ let me just say that it doesn't sound as if your s-i-l really enjoys putting on the Thanksgiving meal. She approaches it as if it were a distasteful chore she can't wait to have finished and done with. Could it be that this was a "tradition" that was foisted on her in the beginning of your marriage that she would be just as grateful to be relieved of as you would be grateful to take up?
Seven years married is long enough for you to be over the newlywed game where you fight about whose house you'll try and avoid that year. It's high time you start your own tradition. Now, having said that, courtesy and etiquette (of which Mermaid is a huge proponent) would dictate that it is too late this year and too close to your s-i-l's planned event to announce your own get-together. Either graciously attend with gritted teeth your s-i-l's event, or tell them you've accepted another invitation. Then, sometime next year, announce that your own little family will start their own holiday tradition that you hope they'll all join in on. Plan the Thanksgiving you want (which you already have, in your mind's eye), invite your husband's family to stop by at their leisure, and then prepare to have fun!
But, my sweet, two things ~ one must be careful not to disparage one side of the family's "traditions" no matter how "untraditional" they may appear to you, and don't be surprised if you find more guests at your table than you know what to do with next year. Surely you can't be the only one in the family that would look forward to and appreciate being allowed out of the bedroom long enough to enjoy themselves before they feel the boot on their behind as they're chewing that last bite of pecan pie.

***

Oh dear. Sweetheart, this is a quandary of a serious nature, and Mermaid will approach it as such. The first thing you must do, young lady, is look for another job. Don't tarry. If what you are saying is true, your job will be affected one way or another and it's best to plan now for it.
Let's just assume that what you are saying is true, and not the result of some misplaced crush on Dr. McDreamy. It is foolish to think that the dentist you work for does not know what his wife is doing. Even if he does not know, this is not the sort of thing that you could come to him with and have it turn out well for you. No one likes to be told their spouse is a thief, even if she is, and he will likely eventually shoot the messenger. Don't flatter yourself by thinking he will fall into your arms in gratitude for pointing out what a bottom-feeder he has married.
If it is as I suspect, and he is in cahoots with his wife, then you will be weeded out in a way that will make it seem as if it is your own fault. Either way ~ you will lose.
Here is where you need to protect yourself. If you are in any position to be able to "know" that your boss' wife is up to no good, then you may be accused at some point of being in on the scheme. I understand the need to keep your job right now, but you need to make good Mermaid's advice on looking for another one right away. Once you have secured new employment, you must notify the proper authorities of the offenses. You may wish to remain anonymous ~ and to this end, an old-fashioned letter would work better than an email ~ but Mermaid must warn you of something that you must brace and prepare yourself for, no matter how you notify the authorities.
The authorities will likely wish to question anyone who worked for the doctor and his wife, and you will surely be on that list and your anonymity at that point will be moot. Mermaid herself had federal agents from the FBI/IRS show up in her lagoon to question her about the transgressions of a former employer ~ and Mermaid was not the one who reported her.
It is often not easy to do the right thing, and I am sorry you are caught in the middle of a bad situation. But you know you must do the right thing, you know what it is, and you know you are fully capable of doing it. Mermaid does wish you luck. You'll come back to the lagoon and tell us how it all came out, yes?

***

Oh, you poor dear soul. Mermaid can so completely sympathize with you!
It was two days before Christmas and I was 8 months pregnant when my water broke at work at 8:15 in the morning, and despite lying in a hospital bed all day, being pumped full of pitocin, labor never began.
At 7:00 that night, the doctor rushed in and exclaimed loudly and frantically that a Cesarean section must be performed immediately! The baby was in terrible danger! His heart rate had stopped!
As for my then-husband, who was sitting by my side ~ he had to be elbowed in the chest to get his attention. "I'm sorry… what?" he said. ~ M*A*S*H had started on the telly at 7:00 you see.

***

And so ends another morning in the lagoon. Now we can all have some fun! When will you poor sweet mortals learn that your time here on earth is so pitifully short ~ there is really no room for living a life that is anything less than you wish it to be?

Until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Curious Teens, Unsure Brides, Questionable Sperm and the Regretful Child

2009-11-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

Greetings, dear Friends! ~ As the rising sun casts a soft orange glow across the mists of the lagoon, Mermaid delights that she has found you in here with her ~ did everyone have a pleasant journey? I see we are joined by some new friends who have come to share their troubles with us, as outlined so neatly here: http://www.slate.com/id/2234587/ Shall we dive right in?

***

Hello sweetheart! Mermaid loves young people and is particularly thrilled to find you here! But you seem to have a question of a delicate nature ~ shall we swim aways from the others for a bit?
I do so admire your openness about your own sexuality and your willingness to claim it for your own. Mermaid is of the opinion that young girls should be given a pleasure aid by a thoughtful parent at just your age ~ so there is certainly nothing wrong in you seeking it for yourself. It is important to know how your body works and how it reacts ~ and you want to learn that from yourself ~ not from someone else. Mermaid is proud of you for realizing this for yourself and … taking matters in hand, so to speak.
Now, on to your question. Should you tell your mother? I'm feeling that your question is part necessity for knowledge, part remnant from a childhood in which you confided everything to a parent to whom you are very close. This is perhaps why Mermaid loves young people so much ~ the fascinating mix of child and adult that are sometimes at odds with one another in the same body. On one hand, you want to share this newest experience with your mother and on the other hand ~ something is telling you that she may have a negative reaction to it. When Mermaid is faced with a dilemma such as this, she tries to think of every possible outcome. What if you tell your mother and she disapproves? Just because a person is trained to "like talking about gross stuff", this may not translate favorably to talking about her own daughter's sexuality. What will you do then? Will you buy the aid and not tell her? Or forego your own sexual pleasure to please your mother? And if she approves ~ will she be able to remain neutral and dispassionate about it ~ or will you find yourself at the mercy of ~ heavens! ~ t.m.i. from your mother.
And what if you don't tell her? Will she be angry and upset that you didn't confide this in her? (Mermaid would think unlikely, and a little odd if she did.) The other alternative is that she wouldn't be ~ and would understand that this is a private thing for you alone.
I'm curious what you don't know about your toy or its use that is troubling you ~ and why you think your mother may be the only one who can provide the answers. If it's the mechanics, there are other resources that can give you answers. If it is the emotional aspect of it, then perhaps you are not as ready for it as you think.

***

You poor dear. Mermaid feels for you ~ and what she feels is that you already know the answer to your problem ~ it is simply the reality of it that is too painful for you to deal with.
At first glance of your dilemma, I took you to be a much older person. You say you are 21 and have been engaged for a year; to a man you have been dating for two. That would have made you 19 in human years when you first met. And further, you say that you have always been in long committed relationships. When exactly was this ~ in middle and high school? It sounds as if you've grown up without a chance to fully grow.
Frankly, Mermaid finds your problem completely understandable and absolutely normal. And she can tell you from personal experience that no amount of parental pressure or wedding planning fun or worrying that you are discarding a good catch can make up for the feeling you have deep in your heart. It will rise up again and again and catch you in its net ~ and with devastating results for all concerned. It is sad when two people meet and are otherwise perfect for each other ~ save for their incompatible stages in life. Mermaid thinks it is the worst reason in the world to marry someone because you fear you'll never find someone else if you don't. As I am fond of saying, and as much as you can't fathom it now ~ there really are many other fish in the sea.
Of course you should speak to your fiancé, and right away. Mermaid cautions you that he may not take it well ~ and understandably so. It's not easy to hear that the one you love wishes to be single and swim alone again. But if you are old enough to contemplate marriage, you are old enough to bear the responsibility for its demise ~ even if it comes before the actual vows.

***

Greetings, dear girl, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! But all is not clear on the horizon, is it my lovely?
Before we begin ~ I take it that you are heavy in the planning stages of your wedding? How did I know this, you ask? Let's just say that upcoming nuptials and micromanaging have been known to go hand in hand, my pet, and leave it at that.
Mermaid would be giving you far different advice had you told her that it was essential for you to have your own children with your husband. Although I have never felt that way myself, I understand it when people do ~ and I understand that one would not wish to enter into a marriage if this sort of thing was essential to your happiness.
But since you say that, even if your future husband has been rendered sterile, you would work around it through adoption or sperm donation ~ so the issue is moot. Your problem seems to be one of mere curiosity that is "killing you" not knowing something for which you'll have a natural answer soon enough.
Well, my dear ~ I'm sure there are many things about you that your future husband would like to know before he marries you, and some of them might not be answered soon at all. Have you had, for example, a complete medical workup to insure that you are fertile? Have you had dna testing to see if your backside might become as broad as your forbearer's by your 15th wedding anniversary? That you won't lose your teeth or your hair at a certain point? That you won't suffer from early dementia and may not recognize your own children, even if you do have them? Perhaps it's killing your fiancé not to know these things also ~ but he loves you, sweet thing that you are, and is too kind to ask for such verification before he weds you. Mermaid wishes you could do the same for him ~ and I'll bet he does too.

***

Another visitor with upcoming nuptials! ~ well that makes three today and three is Mermaid's lucky number! (Well, maybe just two, but that's still to be determined…)
Young one, I completely sympathize with your situation. I was in almost exactly the same position you were in, at exactly the same age. My stepfather, who was the only father I ever knew, left our family, and left us in the care of our also certifiably nutty mother, to go start a new life with a new wife and her children. As we were not his biological children, he was not compelled to continue to support us. As such, it was very hard for what remained of our family and we struggled ~ which made going over to my father's new house, with all its rich trappings, even more difficult.
Mermaid did not rebel and act out as you did, but can understand the desire to. Your father should have understood it, too. Frankly, my cockles can't much warm to a man who would hold a grudge towards a troubled child for 13 years ~ and ignore your attempts to reach out to him in apology.
I'm sure it hasn’t passed unnoticed, however, that you are approaching him at time in your life when you want something from him ~ his presence at your wedding (or at least the knowledge that he is present in your life as you walk down the aisle.) Perhaps he is under the impression that it is money you want from him. Even if it is not ~ the fact that you have waited until it was advantageous for you to do so must strike him as a bit disingenuous, and he is reacting naturally to that.
Mermaid wants you to try and separate these two events in your life so their happiness is not so closely dependent upon the other. Plan for and enjoy your wedding, completely separately from the relationship you are trying to rebuild with your father. Begin with a letter filled with the same honest and heartfelt sentiments you expressed to me here. Continue to reach out to him with letters and photos (not too much ~ one doesn't want to be accused of stalking!) but appreciate that he and your stepmother are understandably wary of you and your motives ~ and they have a boy at home that they must protect who is exactly the same age you were when you were so troubled.
One final word of advice from Mermaid, because she knows these things. I can see that you already have found that it is possible to emerge from a terrible home situation with a nutty mother and go on to live a very happy and productive life. I want you to also know this ~ it is possible never to have a relationship with the father you knew and still be able to live that same happy and productive life.

***

Ah, my final visitor! You aren't planning on getting married in the near future are you? That's a relief, because you'll encounter this same problem there also. Let's see if Mermaid can head things off at the pass for you, shall we?
Dear lady, I'm sure your work ethic is that of an octopus with all eight arms engaged and therefore above reproach, your communication skills rival that of the most eloquent porpoise, and your production level would make a grunion blush with shame ~ but your social skills are that of a ill-mannered hermit crab.
To be blunt ~ why you refuse to leave the seat up for your bathroom mate is something Mermaid simply cannot fathom.

***

And so ends another week here in the Lagoon, dear Ones. And it couldn't have happened soon enough! I see my favorite diving buddy has thrown his net overboard and plans for some underwater fun with all of us here. I do so enjoy his clumsy human underwater antics! Tarry at your leisure, Friends of mine ~ I'm sure we can all keep each other amused, yes?

Until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Psychotic Tickler, Soused Mother, Silly Hostess, and The Clueless Adopter

2009-10-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Greetings dear Friends! I see you have found your way into Mermaid's lagoon again! If I could put my arms around you in welcome, I surely would. Some of your kind has arrived here with a whole net-full of troubles, and Mermaid is ready to help. So shall we commence with righting a few wrongs and easing a few burdens? First let's start by reading the original letters which can be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2233828/ and then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

I extend a particularly warm welcome to you, my dear. I'm so glad you could escape, er, get away for a visit with Mermaid. Now, let's you and I swim aways from the others ~ Mermaid has something to share with you that she'd rather the rest not hear about, lest it distress them too greatly.
I had an earthly mother once. She called herself that, anyway. When I was a child, and all through my teens, she used to like to "tickle" me. She would wait until I was on the ground and start with my ribcage. Most mermaids are not ticklish there, and I am no exception, and this would aggravate my mother. She would then start tickling my neck, and by this time she had me completely down on the ground, sitting atop of me on my chest, as her fingers with their long nails dug into my neck. I would try and curl up to where she couldn't get at me and this only increased her fury. Pretty soon, she was choking me and I was crying and red-faced and gasping for air, unable to breathe as her hands were around my neck, her fingers digging into my flesh. If I tried to push her off before I passed out, this would incite the entire force of her wrath and she would slap me full across my face with all her might until I lost count of the blows. The only thing that ever saved me was my brother stepping in to pull her off of me.
I finally escaped her, but not before many many years had passed. Please don't wait as long to escape this man who is abusing you. I don't know what kind of relationships you are used to, but it is not normal for someone who professes to love you to continue doing something after you've asked him to stop ~ on a daily basis no less! ~ not normal that he uses physical force to exact his kind of "fun", and certainly not normal that he turns this upon you and makes it your own problem to solve by learning how to find ways to cope with it. This is the type of man who will torture your pets and then your children and say it is to "teach them a lesson" or "toughen them up". Please, don't allow it to get that far. Inform your boyfriend that the next time he "tickles" you in this manner, he is guilty of domestic violence and "holding you against your will" and you will call the authorities and they will come and arrest him and take him to jail and this will give you enough time to a) remove yourself from the situation, b) remove his belongings from your premises and c) go see an attorney about a kick-out and restraining order. I highly recommend at least two of these options, because when this is a man's idea of "fun" ~ I'd not like to see what happens when he becomes truly angry.
Mermaid knows this won't be easy. You've been beaten down pretty hard, I can see. Rest a while here, and then when you're ready, I'll go with you and make sure you get home safely. You see ~ Mermaid's learned a few things since I was held down as a helpless child about fighting back that I'll be most happy to share with you ~ and your boyfriend.

***

Mermaid does not have video feed down in the Deep, but I've just heard the most amusing story from one of my friends here that, of course, made me think of my own experience with this matter. I, too, knew someone who tried to lie and say that he'd quit smoking. Understand that I didn't care one way or the other whether or not he was smoking ~ but I did care that he felt it necessary to lie about it. I also did care that evidence of his lies was repeatedly found snuffed out in all my best carnival glass and Fenton vases. So, one day, I did not throw away the baggie that I had used to empty his evidence into. I saved it and waited until the next time he asked me if I would make him a travel mug of coffee. It was undoubtedly the most memorable cup of coffee he'd ever had! I told him he insulted me by acting as if he had to lie to me ~ and the next time it would be a cigarette butt omelette for him.

***

Well, hello there, young lady! I understand you recently had a charming lunch with your mother. How kind of her to allot a whole hour in which to recapture that which she so carelessly threw away. You could, of course, have told her from the onset that your adolescence was so traumatic that you can't remember past the sopping up of pools of her vomit. But that would be cruel ~ and just might undermine her sobriety. Mermaid is willing to give her a small pass for her insensitive and presumptuous behavior ~ the effects of years of drinking have likely rendered her brain as full of holes as a coral reef.
What's that you ask, dear? Do you owe her a written manifesto to help her fill in the holes? No, sweetheart, it's she who owes you ~ and just as soon as she's repaid you for everything she's stolen from you (your childhood, your adolescence, your young adulthood, stability and trust to name but a few) then you can begin to worry about her. You've done quite enough of that already in your young life, and it's time you stop and let her face the damage she's caused on her own.
Now, I can hold my breath until that happens. You cannot. What I would like you to work on, with someone qualified to help you beyond my small talents, is ~ why you feel it necessary to keep pleasing your mother. You don't have to be her caretaker any more. You don't have to fix everything or make it right. You don't owe her anything past what you've already sacrificed to her addiction. Tell her what you really want to ~ that you'd rather not share that which you had to create all by yourself. And that you are sorry she missed it the first time around.

***

Oh, you poor little thing! I know how hard it is to grow up and leave friends behind. Mermaid was the type who cried on the last day of school, every year. And this was even though I'd see my friends that very afternoon after the bell rang!
Mermaid isn't going to beat you up for being silly. The world will do that to you soon enough, I fear. If you'll forgive me an observation ~ you don't seem able to handle the niceties involved with proper invitations ~ so how do you think you will be able to handle "grown-up style socializing"? That requires a modicum of tact and diplomacy ~ two things you apparently avoided on your road to higher learning.
Mermaid could give you all sorts of tips on how to handle the "too small space/too many guests" problem ~ but I don't think you really want a solution. You want permission and absolution for being rude to people ~ and I'm afraid you will never find that here in Mermaid's lagoon.

***

I'm glad you came to me last, kind lady, after I have dispensed with the others. I do not want the rest of my guests to hear what I am about to say to you. It is not often that Mermaid comes right out and says something of this nature, but frankly ~ I find your behavior absolutely disgusting in a multitude of ways. And to make it all the worse ~ it's cloaked in the savage veneer of "what's best for the child."
There is far too much of "we" and not enough "she" in your letter. The only person who should have a say in who your daughter sees is your daughter ~ period. I cannot fathom why you would think it within the pale that you should question whether or not your child should continually be forced to visit with people she does not want to see. You seem to take an inordinate amount of pride in sharing the fact that she was adopted "from foster care" ~ as if she were a mongrel dog you took pity on and allowed into your house. Disgusting! I take it that you cannot simply say "adopted" without the appropriate nods of approval from strangers occurring in order to make you feel as if all your efforts to do that which your daughter does not want are justified? It is an absolute outrage that those words ever leave your lips and pass to another person's ears. It is not anyone's business but her own how your daughter's life started out ~ and it is rude, cruel, and presumptuous of you to continue to point it out. Really my dear ~ the first caveat in considering "the best needs of the child" are that ~ you consider the child.
Despite what you think, Mermaid would like you to stay as long as you'd like. You might have imaged that I'd ask you to leave these waters but that would only mean your return home would be all the quicker ~ and I'd like to spare your daughter that.

***

My goodness but I've thrashed these waters into a mighty foam this week! But never fear, dear ones ~ Mermaid's ire disappears as quickly as a ray of sun when the kelp beds pass overhead. And as long as you never hurt someone in the name of "fun", ask someone to give you back that which you've stolen from them, be rude to your friends, or cruel and insensitive to children ~ I promise it shall never be turned in your direction.

Until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

On Sibling Love, Nakey Pictures, Moms Who Fib and Thieving Old Ladies

2009-10-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

Greetings dear Friends! I see you have found your way into Mermaid's lagoon! If I could put my arms around you in welcome, I surely would. Some of your kind has arrived here with a whole net-full of troubles, and Mermaid is ready to help. So shall we commence with righting a few wrongs and easing a few burdens? First let's start by reading the original letters which can be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2233031/ and then let's dive right in, shall we?

***

Hello, young lady! I read with great interest of your concern over your boyfriend (is he your fiance?) and his relationship with his sister. Mermaid must warn you ~ she cannot be objective in this case. You see, my own beloved brother was taken by the tides around this time last year ~ and Mermaid still mourns him dreadfully. No two people were closer than we were. He was the Elvis to my Ann-Margret, the Snow Miser to my Heat Miser ~ and I'll never know another love like his as long as I swim this eternal ocean.
I have every sympathy in the world for you ~ as I had every sympathy for every girl my brother dated who did not understand our playing footsies under the table (which I did once so rambunctiously I left a scar on his shin from pinching him with my toes) and the fact that we'd talk about our love lives and share private jokes that no one else would ever begin to understand. Or want to.
I could see it was painful for some girls and try as I might to minimize it when they were around ~ the hurt, the suspicion, the jealousy ~ was visibly painful and impossible for them to hide. As I see it is painful for you to have to hide your jealousy when your beloved and his sister are together. And jealousy it is, sweetheart ~ the kind of jealousy that will eat away at what you have and eventually kill it ~ and any love he has for you.
To love me always meant to love my brother ~ and vice versa. Some people understood that, and some people didn't. This caused some people to drift away and this was better for everyone. The people who stayed, the people who understood ~ those were the girlfriends (8 of them!) who came to my brother's memorial last year ~ to pay their respects to him ~ but also to comfort me, for they knew the loss I was feeling.
If you stay with this man, no matter what he tells you, you will always feel uncomfortable and resentful of his relationship with his sister. And he will always feel uncomfortable and resentful of the way you feel about her and your accusations towards them both. This is the death knell you should be hearing, should be listening to, already pealing out across the waves.
We have a saying down in the Deep: There are plenty of fish in the sea. You need to find yourself another fish that you are more suited for before you make the mistake of marrying this man, whose beloved sister you don't like, who does not fulfill your desires for complete devotion and intimacy. You both deserve better. Now, rest a while here with Mermaid, and think about things, and when you're feeling strong enough, leave this happy lagoon and seek to find what it is you really want ~ someone whose heart and affections belong only to you.

***

Hello lovely lady! A question about how to properly display nudity! You have come to the right Mermaid for advice, as I'm something of an expert in that area. I have an idea for you. Why not ask your "then boyfriend and still good friend" (oh, how Mermaid soooooo loves those!) to paint another painting for the back of your nude portrait, a la Kandinsky, and then you can flip back and forth as you desire. That way, your nephews, your grandmother, and any repairmen (although Mermaid would have you reconsider that one, wink wink) won't be subjected to your fuzzy clam staring at them from over the fireplace during the holidays. Enjoy!

***

Greetings, little mother. Ah, I'm afraid another warning must be issued by Mermaid here on her inability to be as objective as I'd like in this situation. Dear lady, let's swim aways by ourselves, shall we? I don't want the others to hear what I have to say to you, as I fear it will be unduly harsh.
When I was a beautiful, vibrant, inquisitive 4-year old, I used to ask my mother where my father was. She would tell me that my Daddy was "dead and in heaven." Unfortunately, that was the truth.
Mermaid admits to being a little perplexed by someone who has been single her daughter's entire life, and yet was so wretchedly unprepared for the questions that should have been expected and prepared for. Tsk tsk.
I take a harsh stance on people who feel it is within their right to withhold information from their children about their parentage. Every child has an absolute right to know who their parents are. You know you did the wrong thing in lying to your little girl, and I am so glad you see that and want to make it right. That's the easy part. You take your little girl aside and do all those things that all those parenting books (that I'm sure you'll read now ~ yes?) are going to recommend you do about being honest, and admitting that sometimes grownups make mistakes, too.
I must warn you (if you haven't reached that particular chapter yet) that children identify very strongly with their parents ~ both parents. I caution you against any besmirchment of your daughter's father ~ as it is besmirchment of half of her Self that you will be doing. You must endeavor to tell her only the good things about him that you know, and save the less than savory things for him to tell her himself ~ because it is highly likely she will seek him out for herself someday.
What will be harder for you, and what I want you to work on for your own sake as well as that of your daughter's, are your obvious unresolved feelings of anger towards the man you chose to mate with, who does not share your parenting duties. It is in the way you say "he has never met her and has no interest in doing so", so filled with resentment for the facts that bothers me. This is the risk and responsibility women take when they choose to carry a child to term by a man who does not want to be a father ~ and you cannot blame him for your choices, nor hold him accountable for them.
And telling, too, is your statement that "the only participation he has in her life is through an automatic child-support payment." You realize, of course, that all child support payments are automatic? It is federally mandated that if there is an order for support, an automatic wage garnishment is issued. It is no indication of his lack of caring for his daughter that he does not sit down and write you a check every month, and to imply otherwise is both wrong and hurtful for your daughter.
Mermaid knows you have a lot to think about. Don't beat yourself up about what's happened. When you know better ~ you do better. Rest awhile here, and get your sea-legs back under you again. Once you do, go forth and do the right thing for your daughter. She is counting on you to teach her about truth and trust ~ and you cannot teach her these things by denying them to her.

***

I'm glad you're here, kind soul. So, your mother-in-law does something to annoy you! Forgive me if I cannot even begin to feign surprise at this. This seems to be common among you land-dwellers. But, as it has manifested itself into a sticky problem that bothers you (and I'm not just referring to the pilfered candy), then let's deal with it as if it was important, shall we?
I do know something about annoying mothers-in-law. I was married to a land-dweller whose mother was a former prison matron. She towered over me by a good foot and over a hundred pounds. Talk about not feeling like I had a leg to stand on! (that's a mermaid joke.) My m-i-l used to buy my husband underwear every year for his birthday, as I could not be trusted to buy the kinds her widdle snookums wiked best. I simply said "As you wish" and thereby relieved myself of underwear duty where he was concerned for the rest of his mortal days. Now, that same imposing woman is bent and thin, and cannot walk more than the length of two rooms. She'll never again shop for anything as long as she lives.
On to your dilemma ~ I am not one who is going to tell you to refuse to take your m-i-l out shopping. That would be cruel to a person who is obviously so starved for attention and diversion that she has to make stealing penny candy the highlight of her week. It sounds like it is not physically possible for your m-i-l to be dropped off and left to shop on her own. So, we are down to you and her and the store and all those grapes waiting to be snatched.
There are, of course, many things you could do. You could make a show of gathering like items that your m-i-l has consumed along the way and presenting them to the clerk at the end and asking them to charge them to you, and then return them. But why should your m-i-l be shamed like a recalcitrant child and the store have to put back 3 Starburst mints and an apricot?
Better you should follow another favorite saying of mine: Sometimes the best revenge is to give people exactly what they ask for. Let your m-i-l behave as she wishes and if the store personnel have a problem with her ~ they will deal with her. And when that time comes, and she'd hauled off humiliated to the back room, you can then decide if you want to be by her side ~ or waiting out in the car for her.
This is clearly a power struggle involving someone who is a little bored and getting a big kick out of seeing you so bothered. You feel you are doing her a great service by taking her shopping and she is not showing proper gratitude by adhering to your wishes. One way to end the struggle is to stop fighting and go with the current. And that is Mermaid's suggestion for you.

***

And so dear Friends, another weeks' worth of queries dispensed with. Now we are all free to relax and enjoy the warmth and tranquility of Mermaid's lagoon. I'd love to hear what you all think about… wait a minute… what's that?… I'm being poked by something from below... ~ SmagBoy, is that your periscope again?! You scamp! I'll deal with you later, Diving Buddy!

Until next week, when we all gather again in this convivial and lovely Lagoon, everyone please enjoy themselves and everyone around you to the utmost ~ Mermaid wishes for nothing less than your complete happiness and fulfillment while you are in her tender care. Fair currents and gentle tides to you all!

Greetings from the Deep!

2009-10-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Mermaid has spent the past several weeks, traversing the depths to find her new home, and thankfully I have, in this beautiful Lagoon surrounded by all of my beloved Friends from the Fray, both Old and New (yes, this means You!)

My purpose in this lagoon is simple – I am here to try and understand you, to help you as much as I can, and to make you feel good about it in the process. I have an intuitive knowledge of yesterday, a gentle tolerance of today, and seer-like insight into tomorrow. I can divine things beyond this earthly plane. My memory is legend. If you could swim my Lagoon with me, I could take you by the hand and tell you things about yourself that you barely know or have even began to intuit.

I was born an Old Soul, and have gone through many lives, retaining the wisdom of each. Humor is my secret weapon and often flies so under the sonar that I’ve had friends call to me several days after an exchange to say “I just now got what you said to me.” You may find this out yourself. My advice and counsel (for which, I am neither professional nor responsible and is only for entertainment purposes) is meant to be savored and weighed in your quiet moments, not to be pondered quickly - because there is sometimes meaning beyond the meaning in what Mermaid says.

I know well enough about the sordid side of humanity and I’ve seen a lot in my time. Although this has given me an endless fascination with examining people’s motivations and reasoning, I prefer to live in my own gentle, watery world, where everyone is beautiful and all actions are lovely. Mermaids are, after all, all about the Love. When roused, I can become a shark, with a biting, sarcastic wit to rival the best of them. But, I would much rather flow gently along with the currents, charming the creatures I pass along the way.

If I say something that, on the surface, hurts your feelings, please know that it is never my intention. Mermaid is not capable of lying or being dishonest, and sometimes honesty is painful. Please take what I say to you as a gift meant to enlighten you, as only the truth spoken from an open heart from someone who genuinely cares about you can. Depending upon the nature of your query, the answers I give you may be harsher than you are ready to hear, but I promise to always try to deliver the message with kindness.

I was put on this earth not only to help those that seek it from me, but also to truly understand the hearts of the burdened and the friendless, the failures and the misfits. You simply cannot shock me or shake me. If you seek Mermaid’s advice, you will get no glances of superiority and no lectures. I am absolutely incapable of judging anyone – infidel, thief, murderer, sinner, saint, addict, pervert, liar or adulterer – all will receive the same sympathetic understanding along with whatever practical help I’m able to offer.

What I am capable of is seeing things through your eyes and feeling what you feel about it. Your problems literally become my problems. If it is important to you – it is of the utmost importance to Mermaid. Your friends will be my friends – and your enemies even more so. If I have any snark in me at all, it will likely be reserved for those who would seek to hurt you – and thereby hurt me. The only thing I truly will fight for, unprovoked, is for the weak to be protected and for the right of the underdog to be heard and understood.

It is for this reason that a weekly column examining 4 letters was usually too much for me – I literally feel the gravitas of each person’s burden – no matter how obviously silly and frivolous they may have seemed to others. So while I may occasionally take it upon myself to attempt what my beloved Brothers and Sisters here on The Fly do so much better (the skewering of other Letter Writers) – and of course you’ll see me occasionally skewering them on their blogs - and I will at times be sharing my salty tales from the deep and sending up ruminative bubbles of wisdom in the form of blog posts myself - I would much prefer to hear from YOU.

What would you like to talk about? What can I help you with? Is there something that bothers you, troubles you, and keeps you up at night? Tell Mermaid all about it. Is it something so large and burdensome you fear you’ll break under the weight of it? Come lay it at Mermaid’s feet. Do you feel it so small and insignificant that you fear you’ll be laughed at should you raise it? You are safe with Mermaid. Something on your mind too filthy for mere mortals to understand? Definitely – you must unburden yourself upon Mermaid’s creamy shoulders.

All I would ever ask of you to remember is, unless you specifically ask against it, I reserve the right to publish your letter and my response to you. Of course your secrets are safe with Mermaid; I will never, ever divulge any personal details, e-mail addresses, etc., but, as this is a blog, publishing your lovely words in an attempt to help others is but one of the things I'm here for. I eagerly await your inquiries at mermaid3363@gmail.com.

You see my address here, yes? Please use it; raise a flag on your mast, blow on your conch, sing a verse across my Lagoon – Mermaid is listening. I want this tranquil and happy place to be interactive, entertaining, helpful, and FUN! (Did I mention that my second purpose in life is to have as much wicked, saucy fun as possible? Did you expect anything less from a topless, half-naked Siren of the Deep?)

So welcome my Friends, both Old and New, to my Lagoon. Feel your Mermaid’s cool embrace and her warm kiss upon your brow. I’ve missed all of you so! Come on in and swim awhile with me. The water’s fine. And so are You.